The Psychic Vs. The Revenant

It’s Friday the 13th Round Seven. In this corner we have an undead killing machine, who has survived drowning, burning, chopping, lightning, a crazy mother, and the dancing stylings of Crispin Glover. In the opposite corner we have a woman with a tragic past, a clingy mother, a jerky doctor and telekinesis. Wait what?

Hi everyone, Slick Dungeon here and I have made it through seven of the deadliest slasher films around. Camp Crystal Lake just gets no rest. Jason Voorhees is still out there, this time stronger than ever. But for once, he has a nemesis who has a chance. Heads up, in case you couldn’t have guessed it already but I am going to give out spoilers like they are Halloween candy about Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. You have been fairly warned. Those of you brave enough to have survived the hockey mask wearing, sharp implement bearing, Jason, feel free to trudge on ahead through this review as if you were running through a forest in the dark of night.

This film starts off with yet another clip show of Jason’s greatest kills, and tries to do a decent job of summarizing what you need to know before watching this. I feel like after six previous films, it’s probably okay to just launch into the action but whatever.

Next we see Tina, a little girl who has run out of her house because her mother and father are in an argument. The argument, I should add, sounds physical, at least on the part of the father. Tina goes out on a little boat into Crystal Lake where we last saw Jason chained to a rock. The father comes out to try to get Tina to go back inside but Tina is yelling about the fact that her father hit her mother, and it seems like this wasn’t the first time either. Seconds later, the pier or dock or whatever the guy was standing on collapses and it looks like there is a good chance that happened just because in that moment, Tina wanted it to.

Fast forward a few years and Tina is getting treatment from a doctor for her mental issues. Her mother is encouraging this so that Tina can get over the guilt she feels about her dad. It’s quickly confirmed that Tina totally has psychic powers including telekinesis. A lot of people don’t like this movie because they feel like it’s silly that Tina has these powers. Oh, really? You think it’s silly that she can move stuff with her mind but you can buy into the whole Jason story? I mean, in the first one it’s his mother, okay fine. In the second one, it’s him and for the most of the rest it is him. But this guy dies over and over and he comes back relentlessly, including in one instance being resurrected by a graveyard fence stuck in his chest being struck by lightning. But you are going to say psychic powers are silly? Okay, they are kind of silly, but I didn’t really have a problem with them in this. It equalizes the playing field for Tina and that works for me. Also, they somehow seem to free Jason from the lake in the first place so without Tina, you don’t get the scares of Jason running around in the first place.

Most of the rest of the movie goes on as you would predict. A group of friends is going up the the lake to throw a surprise party for one of them. The birthday boy is stuck on the road because of car trouble and moments later he and the woman with him are straight up murdered by Jason. From there on out, it’s a killing spree with a couple of little twists. In this one, the doctor is really just interested in getting Tina to show off her powers so that’s why he brought her here in the first place. That makes all the deaths in this, except for Tina’s dad, kinda his fault. Don’t worry though, Jason takes care of him too. Tina does meet a guy she thinks is cute and they flirt and of course they end up being the ones to survive. It’s pretty standard Jason fare and overall, this is definitely not the worst of the sequels in my opinion.

I did have a few thoughts though.

1. Tina kills her abusive father and then spends her whole life regretting it. Never does anyone mention that this dude shouldn’t have hit her mother or that her reaction might be understandable. I’m not saying Tina should have killed anyone, and it certainly was an accident, but maybe she should be allowed to lower the guilt factor a bit here.
2. At the end of the movie, the thing that finally brings Jason down? Tina’s dad coming up from the bottom of the lake to put chains around his neck. I think this was an almost nod to the first film but it just made me go, wait, what?
3. Then, after everything is over, Tina tell Nick that it was him who killed Jason. Come on Tina, take a little credit for resurrecting your dad. That was all you.
4. Car trouble again in Crystal Lake. Slick Dungeon’s repair shop idea is back on baby!
5. I really wanted someone in the film to warn someone about the legend of Jason in this but that scene never happened. I need my dude warns people away from Crystal Lake scene. Come on, what have sequels come to here?! Also, once again, if any horror directors need a guy who lives in a dungeon to warn people away from that haunted old place in the woods, I am your guy.
6. This has bothered me for a few of these movies but, how long exactly is Friday the 13th? I mean, this starts in daylight, there is a night that passes, more daylight happens, then Jason goes on his killing spree until the dawn. So, does everyone always drive up on Thursday the 12th? Or is it the moment that Jason wakes up when the 13th begins? All I know for sure is that on Saturday the 14th everyone is going to be talking about how they are never going camping again, thank you very much.
7. Forget Jason surviving, how has that hockey mask stayed in such good condition for so long?
8. Every time Jason’s mask has come off, what is underneath it is more grotesque than before but at this point, it’s just getting weird. They leave his mask off for a good portion of the last few minutes and I was just thinking, how long did that makeup take?
9. I know Jason is a silent killer most of the time but seriously, how does no one ever see him first? I don’t mean just right before he kills you but like, walking around with the bodies he is about to hide in strategic places for the maximum scare. He had to have made some noise when he put that head on a bed. Are people just not paying attention or are all the campers hearing impaired in some way?
10. How is this place still open in any way? I mean I know that in this one, it’s people’s houses by the lake, not the camp itself but this lake has such a huge body count that I think it would be unethical to allow anyone near it ever.
11. Also, I am not sure exactly what the motivation is for Jason to kill people any more. I got it in the first four or five films but in this one, it seems to be… because reasons. Is it asking too much to at least have one of these people be a camp counselor or something?
12. Why does Tina seem to know about Jason when no one, other than the narrator at the beginning (who was not an old man warning people away from that haunted place), ever even mentions him? I mean, the media was probably all over the story so it would be local knowledge but Tina just looks in the lake at one point, see Jason come out and seems to know who he is. She confirms it later when she looks at news articles but how did she know already? Is that part of her psychic stuff? I couldn’t tell.
13. For my money, although he is harder to kill now, I actually liked these movies better when Jason was closer to human. Can we go back to the legend of “Camp Blood” now please? No but really can we?

What do you like more, the killable, camp blood Jason or the revenant unkillable Jason? Let me know in the comments.

Next time, Jason is going to “Take Manhattan”. Dude, that’s a Muppet thing! And for my money, I don’t think Miss Piggy is going to let Jason come between her and her Kermy so you might as well give up now, Jason.

Psychically yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS Want to see the unstoppable Jason in all his glory fighting the uh, pretty tough Tina? Check it out by clicking the image below.

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