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Equilibrium – #MovieReview

Hey everyone, Slick Dungeon here, back to tell you about a dystopian country where feelings are not allowed, Sean Bean, does what he does best, and people are not able to shoot each other because of angles.

Equilibrium is a 2002 science fiction film starring Christian Bale, Sean Bean, Taye Diggs and Emily Watson. Now, don’t get me wrong when you read this review. I really enjoyed the film. The film feels oddly prescient for the time we are in now. The action is really good and all of the performances are engaging. But I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t over think this by a million degrees. So just because I am pointing out inconsistencies and giant plot holes doesn’t mean I didn’t like it or that you shouldn’t watch it.

Fair warning that there will be spoilers ahead. I mean, this was made in 2002 so I think the expiration date on that warning is a bit old but I can’t continue the review in good conscience without mentioning that.

It’s the early twenty first century and world war three has just happened. I should mention this film is fiction. A dystopian society much like you would find in 1984 or A Brave New World or even Fahrenheit: 451 has developed. I should reiterate that this film is fiction. As a result, there is a menacing and vaguely defined police force that is cracking down on insurgents for doing such things as looking at art, loving one another, and reading poetry. I should again mention that this film is actually fictional. It was made eighteen years ago but a lot of this film feels like right now is feeling. And it was even more striking when the villain, who turns out to be leading the whole thing says this, “…it is not the message that is important, it is our obedience to it.” He says this to get a law enforcement officer (Christian Bale) to commit an unlawful act. So yeah, spot on to how this moment in America is right now. But let me remind you, this film is fictional.

Enough with my tangent, on with the plot. The whole idea of this society is that we need to suppress our human emotions chemically, to maintain peace. It’s illegal to feel anything at all and those who break this rule are subject to imprisonment and ultimately death. Christian Bale plays John Preston, a “Grammaton Cleric” who is trained in advanced weaponry and fighting skills. It’s his job to seek out and bring to justice, “Sense Offenders”, who are basically anyone that feels an emotion. Preston is good at his job and is ruthless about meting out his twisted version of justice, up to and including, burning the Mona Lisa and killing his partner for reading a volume of Yeats poems in the first ten minutes. R.I.P. Sean Bean. Again. He’s really good at getting killed in the first act of anything isn’t he?

Preston’s back story is tragic because his wife who seems to have loved him, was executed by the same police force he works for. He has since dedicated his life to stamping out all those who feel emotion and is very good at spotting anyone who does. But, he ends up missing a dose of his emotion suppressing drug and starts to feel. Meanwhile, Taye Diggs, who plays Andrew Brandt, a replacement Cleric for Sean Bean’s character, is starting to suspect something is up with Preston. There is a bit of cat and mouse and Preston does some things he’s later not proud of. He ends up meeting Mary O’brien who is played by Emily Watson. It turns out she was dating the Sean Bean character. Preston brings her in but his world view is starting to change.

The movie continues with a bit of action, some subterfuge, some back and forth and lots of gun violence and slick action sequences. In the end, we of course want to see Preston beat “Father” who is the man behind the totalitarian regime. We also want to see Preston show some emotion to his own children. I won’t tell you quite how we get those answers but I don’t think it’s spoiling too much to just say the good guys generally win.

There is also this stark contrast from the beginning of the film, full of drab and dark colors, including the uniform the Clerics wear, that changes at the end when Preston dons a white suit, because, you know, good guy and all.

As enjoyable as the film was, I still wanted to know a few things.

  1. Okay, so emotion is bad but even these Clerics go around talking about being proud or feeling guilt or whatever. The also say things like good morning. Good is pretty subjective and an emotion could be attached there so are these Clerics just exempt or what? It doesn’t seem like it since they have to take the drugs too. How do they define emotion? I didn’t see the consistency here at all.
  2. The Clerics are specially trained to be total killers. They go through this rigorous program and are able to beat hordes of people shooting at them. How do they do this? Because they train to counter the angles of gunfire that are most probable to come at them. Essentially the point is that they would use probability and physics to best their opponents. While that sounds and looks really cool, uh I have a question here. Has no one ever killed one of these guys because they held their gun at a weird angle, got off a random shot accidentally, or you know, found out this secret method of training that seems to happen in the middle of the public and like, lowered their gun by three degrees? I mean really, it seemed to me that maybe James Bond wouldn’t have a shot at killing these guys but what about Mr. Magoo? How did that Cleric die? The guy couldn’t see that well so he shot at a 34 degree angle and well, what can you do about that am I right?
  3. My next question is about the emotion suppressing drug. How the heck did they get that formula so perfect? It seems to be an absolutely identical injection for every human taken at the exact same time. No one has a weird reaction to this? Not a single person feels no effect from this? Heck, we can’t even give Tylenol to the entire human population without huge problems for a good portion of people so, whoever made that drug, give them a raise.
  4. Back to the Cleric emotion thing, there is one point where Taye Diggs’ character and Christian Bale’s character are facing off in a fight, in front of the head honcho of the dystopia. Diggs, great actor that he is, is clearly angry during the whole kerfuffle. I mean no question from his body language and what he says. How did he not get fired for that?!?! I mean that is an emotion! Anger is an emotion, so what the heck. And to believe the dictator here, what he wants is to stomp out these negative emotions that caused war in the past. I can’t say for certain how WWIII starts in this because they don’t say but I bet you anger was involved. Come on evil megalomaniac if you are gonna make that big a stink about reading poetry, get rid of people getting mad too.
  5. Christian Bale lives in this drab apartment with no decorations on the walls and no sheets or blankets or pillows on his bed. They show him at least twice sleeping on his bicep. So, uh, are pillows just to emotional in this world or what? Like, no you can’t have a pillow because you will cause a war if your neck is comfortable. Burn that.
  6. There are a ton of hidden rooms in this movie. Preston is really good at looking at or feeling a wall and punching through to find like a secret room with all kinds of art. Who built this stuff? I mean how do you get a secret contractor so you can build a room where you look at art and play a phonograph? Vinyl was really in during this whole movie too btw.
  7. My last questions get kind of involved and give a bit of a spoiler for the end so again be warned before you read on. The guy who was supposed to be Father is really a sort of simulation that is run by another guy we have seen earlier in the film. This guys plan is to get Preston to start to feel something so that he would be able to join the resistance so that he can get to the resistance to wipe them all out. So Preston does do that, then they trick Preston into coming to where this guy is in a ruse to make it seem like the resistance wants Preston to kill Father. But it turns out that Father brought Preston there so he could kill Preston, knowing that a. Preston is deadly and b. there are still members of the resistance out there. I have two questions about this. First, wasn’t there a freaking simpler way to get to the resistance? You had a woman who was taken prisoner you could have just let her go and then followed her. Pretty sure you could have found them then. Secondly, why would you bring Preston to you to kill him? I mean Taye Diggs’ character had like thirty-seven opportunities to just shoot him at point blank range. Why do that though, when you can bring him to your bunker so that he can just mow through all your dudes and kill you right? I mean, I guess that’s what we needed for the movie to happen? Classic bad guy stupid move and in my opinion it takes what was a smart movie and makes it dumber than it should be.

All that being said, there was some sweet, sweet sword fighting going on, so all good.

I hope you are all staying safe out there and that you enjoyed this review. If you want to feel like you are living in the film, you know, turn on the news. The film is better though, it’s fictional.

Equilibrialy Yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Uncut Gems – #MovieReview

The One Where Adam Sandler Yells and Kevin Garnett Obsesses Over a Rock

Have you ever seen an Adam Sandler movie where he didn’t yell like a maniac? I don’t think I have. Some of his movies are funny and he has one or two that are better than the rest. But this one is supposed to be different because… it’s a drama? Okay, yeah, that makes this yelling different I guess? Also, Kevin Garnett is in this so, that makes it different too?

I just watched Uncut Gems, and while I can see why some people think this is the performance of Adam Sandler’s lifetime, I don’t see it. Fair warning because I am going to spoil this movie in this review. If you want to watch first before you read on, you have been warned.

Uncut Gems is a story about a jeweler who has purchased well… uncut gems. He is hoping to sell them at an auction to make a huge profit over what he paid for it. The jeweler, played by Adam Sandler, is in major gambling debt, is having a terrible time in his relationships with his wife and children, and scams every third person he sees.

One day, Kevin Garnett, played by, uh Kevin Garnett of course, shows up to the jeweler’s store. After trying to sell hims some stuff, Adam Sandler shows Garnett his uncut gems. Garnett asks to borrow it and the jeweler lets him. Sandler then places huge bets on the game, because, you know, gambling addiction, and as you might expect, things get worse from there.

The rest of the film basically follows Adam Sandler running around, scamming people, and chasing down Kevin Garnett to get the rock back. Meanwhile, a bunch of goons are after Adam Sandler because he owes them money. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of toxic masculinity happening, and a somewhat shocking end.

I did think the performances in this were actually good, and I can see why people respected Sandler’s performance. But here’s the thing with this one, it’s just any of Sandler’s characters if they were not funny and they got to say the f word every three seconds. I didn’t really feel like there was much point to this film somehow. It was just a lot of run around and trying to keep up with how Sandler scammed whoever got a little exhausting.

Honestly, to me the bright spot in this was Kevin Garnett. He plays himself but there are professional athletes who have a hard time pulling even that much off. I’d sort of like to see him in a different movie, actually playing a character in the future.

While this movie got some award buzz, it’s really not there in my mind for winning. I think Sandler could have an Oscar turn in him sometime but between this one and Punch Drunk Love, I prefer the latter.

Another side note here is that they have Idina Menzel in it but she doesn’t sing. That’s a complete waste of talent, although she does a great job as an actress here.

I did have a few thoughts on the movie.

  1. The very beginning shows a horrific accident that happens in the mine where the gem is discovered. It then transitions to Adam Sandler’s colon. I am not kidding. His colon! Did we have to see that? I mean really?
  2. The jewelry store that Sandler works out of is in some upper story of a building and you had to be buzzed in to get to the store. I’ll be honest, the whole geography of the store in the building confused the hell out of me. I couldn’t tell what freaking floor it was on, let alone how you would ever hear about this place. Who runs a jewelry store like that?
  3. Speaking of that door, it sticks and is a major, major plot point in this thing. You know what I couldn’t help thinking? Why wouldn’t you get that fixed?!?!?!?
  4. What kind of an idiot loans a gem that you think is worth a million dollars to anyone, even if it is just overnight? This is one of those films that could have been over five minutes in if the main character had made one single rational decision.
  5. Adam Sandler in this movie is like, the worst husband and father ever. Like seriously, the worst. In addition he seems to have an apartment while also living in a house with his wife and kids. Just seeing how sleazy this guy is, how in the hell is the wife ever surprised at the terrible stuff he does?
  6. Speaking of which, why is anyone friends with this dude?
  7. Also, how does he know freaking everybody? Is being a jeweler how you get famous? Man, I missed my calling.
  8. The door with the buzzer seems to let you in or out. I was also under the impression that you could let someone only in or out with it. At the end there are some guys who are really mad at Adam Sandler (justifiably so) but Sandler lets them into rather than out of the store. Not that the guy deserves what happens next, but that was a stupid, stupid move.
  9. I really did not need to see Sandler ugly cry.
  10. Could we just have The Wedding Singer 2 next time Sandler is going for dramatic yelling? Please?

I hope you all stay safe out there and if you see any uncut opals, don’t lend them to Kevin Garnett. Just don’t.

Sparklingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Girl on the Third Floor – #MovieReview

Hey all, it’s Slick Dungeon here and I wanted to give you my take on the dramatic drywall antics of the film Girl on the Third Floor. Be forewarned, before you read on, there will be spoilers right in the very foundation of this review. If you really want to watch the movie before you read the review, go for it and then come back. If you don’t mind spoilers, read on. You do you.

The film stars CM Punk (aka Phil Brooks), Trieste Kelly Dunn, Sarah Brooks and Tonya Kay.

I’ll give you a quick run down of the plot but then I had a few questions about this movie.

Don, a class A jerk, who has defrauded a bunch of clients of their retirement money has moved into an old house. As is typical with horror films, the purchase of an old house is a poor investment and to make matters worse, the dude is trying to fix up the place on his own. He needs to fix it up before his pregnant wife moves in. About the first thirty minutes of the film is watching CM Punk listen to angry metal and totally mess up drywall. There are also lots of shots of him walking slowly as if he thinks someone is in the house and wondering where his dog got off to. Plus he picks up a lot of marbles that roll around out of nowhere and he doesn’t seem to think this is a big deal.

Guess what? Don is still a jerk when he meets an attractive woman named, Sarah, and then instantly sleeps with her despite the fact that he has a pregnant wife. We also get to see him talk to his neighbor across the street and go to a bowling alley. I had major questions about the bowling alley but we’ll get to those in a bit.

Don, despite being a jerk who likes angry metal, yelling at his dog, and cheating on his wife, also has a friend named Milo. His friend, who is innocent in all this, finds out that Don is still a class A jerk and had an affair. After a fun day of doing more drywall and then going to a bar, Milo goes back to work on the house only to end up talking with Sarah for a moment and then getting his head crushed in with a sledge hammer. To finish up the job, the also innocent dog is killed, cut up and stuffed into the dryer for Don to find. So for those keeping track, Don has ruined peoples lives, cheated on his wife, gotten his buddy and his dog killed and also been rude to the pretty odd bowling alley owner all because he wouldn’t just admit he sucks at drywall and hire some contractors with that money he defrauded people of. If you are getting the impression I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Don, you would be right. That guy sucked.

Turns out that the woman who Don had an affair with is a ghost. Yeah, you probably saw that coming. Or, if you were watching the film you would. The house they are renovating used to be a house of ill repute, if you know what I mean. And bad stuff happened there and then it seems bodies were buried and hidden and those spirits don’t exactly like it when renovations to the house are made. The rest of the movie is basically seeing if Don will survive, it his pregnant wife will end up dead and if anyone will figure out where the heck all those marbles are coming from. I won’t spoil the end but yes all those questions get answered.

The performances were interesting and the pacing of the film was overall good if a little too slow at times but I still wondered a few things about this movie.

  1. Don shows up and starts poking around in the house. This disgusting black goo starts coming out of the wall. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t instantly make you think the house is haunted but I would think that maybe you would want to find out if that stuff is some kind of leak or dangerous chemical or something but Don is just like yeah okay. Why didn’t he watch more home improvement videos before starting?
  2. Similarly, this white goo comes through the electrical outlets at which point, I would think you would freak out. Not thinking that the house is haunted still but definitely, like, man I need an electrician here because, like, I don’t want my new baby to get electrocuted because I am pretty sure there is something wrong with the wiring. Why would you ignore that?
  3. Next Don talks to his neighbor who seems to give cryptic hints about life choices and the house he just bought. Why wouldn’t you want to know more here?!
  4. Then the dude goes to this bowling alley. There is no one there and there are only three lanes. The owner makes Don some food and asks him if he is visiting or new in town. Don tells him about the house he bought. At which point the owner asks Don if he is gay and tells him that the house has a history of being, “bad for straight men.” Dude. Someone tells you that about the house you just bought and your impulse is not to say, what do you mean by that tell me more?!?!? Really, I would be like that is one of the weirdest things anyone said to me but all Don does is say, “You’ve got a real nice way of welcoming people to town” angrily at the dude. I get missing the dry wall, the white electrical goo and rolling marbles not tipping you off about your haunted murder house but if a bowling alley owner tells you the place is bad for straight men and you don’t follow up, that is entirely on you.
  5. What did Milo ever do? This house seems to kill men who are bad to women because it has a bad history, but that Milo guy was just there doing some home chores. While the house doesn’t seem to like it, I’m not sure that the rules as this movie has set things out should have had Milo die. He didn’t cheat on anyone or anything. All he did was say that Sarah probably shouldn’t be there and he gets a hammer to his head for that? Come on murder house, stick to your own rules!
  6. When Milo comes in the first place he is baffled by the fact that Don hardly has any tools. Why didn’t Don look this stuff up? I’m gonna renovate a whole house. You know what I’m not gonna do? Read about how to do that!
  7. Okay so again spoiler here but Sarah is a ghost who died in like the twenties maybe but she seems to be up on modern lingo and able to use a cell phone. Do ghosts still get to learn stuff after they are dead? Also she can totally touch stuff all the time and Don even sleeps with her but she is dead, so uh, how does she even feel warm to him?
  8. Later the bowling alley is packed and there are a ton of people there. Does no one else there know that Don bought a murder house? If they do, then it’s pretty messed up that they didn’t warn him. Then again, Don is a class A jerk so I guess it’s all good.
  9. In the end one of the characters lives but then does more renovation on the house. The thing is that there are still at least two bodies in the place. This character knows about the house and why it is haunted yet they don’t check everywhere for other bodies. What the heck man? If you find one, you check the whole house, that’s the rule.
  10. A major plot point in this is this hidden third floor that Don finds when the roof of his bedroom basically collapses. His reaction to that? Just seal it back up. Okay, I get that you don’t get creeped out by a ton of marbles rolling around unexplained. I get that when you hear a laughing voice at all hours, you think it’s in your own mind, I get how you ignore that weird white goo coming out of electrical sockets, and I guess I get why you didn’t ask more at the bowling alley (although I totally would have) but how in the world do you look at a surprise third floor and not at least call someone about it?!?!?!
  11. I’m pretty sure that a neon sign flashing that said this was a bordello where people got murdered so you should probably stay away Don, would not have been enough for this guy to forget about the amateur dry walling. But when you find your dog murdered in the dryer for any reason, it is time to leave. What kind of an idiot stays in a house like this?!
  12. I guess a class A jerk is your answer.

I hope you enjoyed this review and remember that if you are about to take a sledge hammer to a wall because there is weird black goo coming out of it, you are probably better off going to the bowling alley and finding out why it isn’t a good house for straight guys. Or you know, watching some home improvement videos first at least.

Handily yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Friday the 13th (2009) – #MovieReview

File This under Did We Have To?

Just when you thought my reviews of Friday the 13th movies were over, I’m back with another one. Slick Dungeon here, wondering why I just watched this. Maybe my review will answer my own question?

Okay so, I know I missed some of the originals but there are some films that can’t even be found in my own dungeon so I was left to watch this one. Just go with it and pretend those other films didn’t really happen. Kind of like this movie does.

I’m going to give you a summary of the… plot? And then I have a few thoughts about this thing. There are spoilers for this that will flow as free as the blood from a machete wound so you have been warned. If you haven’t seen the movie and you don’t want spoilers, watch it now and come back.

The movie starts with the decapitation of Mrs. Voorhees to dispel us of the notion that she could be the killer or that this is at all a straight remake of the first one. Then we get a group of teenage campers who are out in Crystal Lake, looking for weed, having sex and the whole bit. Of course they camp right near Jason, tell a story about Jason, then get killed by Jason. Finally, the credits roll like twenty minutes in to the movie. It’s a few months later and Clay (played by Jared Padalecki) is out looking for his sister who we know is one of the campers from earlier. We also know that she looks exactly like Jason’s mother. We don’t see her die on camera so there’s no guarantee she’s dead.

A different group of people are going up to Crystal Lake to spend the weekend and run into Clay. This one dude Trent is a total jerkwad and from the first second he is on screen we are all waiting to see Jason finish that dude off. Anyway, the story goes like you would expect, Jason stalks the people, kills them in horrific ways and in the end he is stopped at last. It’s a story we have seen on screen at least eleven times before and there isn’t really much new here, other than the fact that after eleven films, this doesn’t work so well when you try to start over.

Still, I had a few thoughts about this movie.

  1. I wondered why I didn’t like this but then I figured it out. I hate virtually everything Michael Bay does. This was only produced by him but I still see his fingerprints all over it. There is modern (for 2009) music in it and it just feels wrong. Everyone is sweaty in practically every shot. The camera doesn’t hold still long enough to actually build tension. The characters are one dimensional for the most part, with the notable exception of Clay, his sister and the character of Jenna (played by Danielle Panabaker). It feels like a big Hollywood set even in the parts that are clearly just people walking in the woods due to the way it’s shot. In the end this is like trying to do horror with a glossy color poster with attractive people from 2009 instead of an old black and white Victorian portrait that actually looks creepy. Putting a modern spin on the film making style does not help this.
  2. It seems like they wanted to feed into every stereotype from these movies to give the audience what they wanted. The thing is, that what the audience actually wants is to be surprised and scared by these movies. So if you see people doing drugs or having sex or whatever, and then they get killed, it’s not scary and it’s no longer a surprise. Also, I never related to these characters much (not that I do in the other ones either really) so when they die, it’s not real impactful.
  3. There was a disturbing lack of car trouble in this movie. How can this be a Friday the 13th movie if the only reason that a car doesn’t start is that there are no keys? Did someone open that Crystal Lake auto repair shop? Cause that was my idea!
  4. Also, the guy who tells the campfire story of Jason does a terrible job. It’s not suspenseful and there is no one to jump out at the end. Come on man, learn to tell a story, otherwise this is just lazy.
  5. This stars Jared Padalecki and there is no Jensen Ackles in the movie. Come on Sam Winchester, you can’t win this without your bro.
  6. I didn’t find the kills in this one particularly inventive. I know after all those movies that came before it’s hard to come up with something new but try a little harder guys. I saw a circular saw and you know how many people got killed with one? Absolutely none.
  7. Jason doesn’t kill Whitney (the missing sister) because she looks like his mother. But he basically keeps her prisoner in his house. Sorry but this makes no sense. Why would Jason take his own mother prisoner. Also, Whitney finds out right in the beginning that she looks like his mother but doesn’t really pull the whole impersonating his mother until the end of the film. What? Why not? I mean she could have done that in the first fifteen minutes and then the movie is over.
  8. Trent is a jerk. They make Trent such an obvious jerk in this movie that you can tell the film makers were like, here’s the guy you can cheer for when he gets killed. Look how jerky his jerkiness is. Let’s make him more of a jerk. Wait he’s not jerky enough so let’s have him cheat on his girlfriend so the audience understands how jerky he is! So yes, there are not one but two attractive women who just want to be all over Trent even though… he is a jerk. Okay…
  9. I did not see an old man warns those kids away from that place scene. This movie fails. The closest we get is an old woman telling Clay that “he just wants to be left alone” with no other explanation. I need an old guy warns people away scene. If you make a sequel to this movie, hire me for that scene, I am available. Also, I work cheap.
  10. While Derek Mears does a great job playing Jason, he’s on camera too much. These movies are always better when you are not sure when he’s going to pop up or from where. As soon as we see Jason, it gets a little less scary and in this one we see him almost right from the beginning. The early ones hid Jason a lot more and that worked to their advantage.
  11. The jump scare at the end of this was so predictable. Again, if we have seen it a bunch of times, even though you are doing a reboot, we are going to see it coming. How about just try something new? Oh wait, you can’t. That’s why you did a reboot. Okay fine.
  12. For a reboot though, this is actually not that bad. I have definitely seen worse reboots. It just never felt… necessary to me though.
  13. This film make the 12th movie about the Voorhees in the series. Can we please, please get one more? Let’s get everyone who survived these to team up and hunt down Jason. And let’s make sure that I am there warning those kids away from that place!

I hope you have enjoyed my reviews of this series. It was fun to take a look at these movies again. Until next time, I’ll be hanging out at a local hardware store near a lake and telling people not to go to that place.

Superstitiously yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS Want to see Sam Winchester without his brother and Killer Frost without the Flash face off against the Voorhees family? Check it out below.

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood – #MovieReview

The Psychic Vs. The Revenant

It’s Friday the 13th Round Seven. In this corner we have an undead killing machine, who has survived drowning, burning, chopping, lightning, a crazy mother, and the dancing stylings of Crispin Glover. In the opposite corner we have a woman with a tragic past, a clingy mother, a jerky doctor and telekinesis. Wait what?

Hi everyone, Slick Dungeon here and I have made it through seven of the deadliest slasher films around. Camp Crystal Lake just gets no rest. Jason Voorhees is still out there, this time stronger than ever. But for once, he has a nemesis who has a chance. Heads up, in case you couldn’t have guessed it already but I am going to give out spoilers like they are Halloween candy about Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. You have been fairly warned. Those of you brave enough to have survived the hockey mask wearing, sharp implement bearing, Jason, feel free to trudge on ahead through this review as if you were running through a forest in the dark of night.

This film starts off with yet another clip show of Jason’s greatest kills, and tries to do a decent job of summarizing what you need to know before watching this. I feel like after six previous films, it’s probably okay to just launch into the action but whatever.

Next we see Tina, a little girl who has run out of her house because her mother and father are in an argument. The argument, I should add, sounds physical, at least on the part of the father. Tina goes out on a little boat into Crystal Lake where we last saw Jason chained to a rock. The father comes out to try to get Tina to go back inside but Tina is yelling about the fact that her father hit her mother, and it seems like this wasn’t the first time either. Seconds later, the pier or dock or whatever the guy was standing on collapses and it looks like there is a good chance that happened just because in that moment, Tina wanted it to.

Fast forward a few years and Tina is getting treatment from a doctor for her mental issues. Her mother is encouraging this so that Tina can get over the guilt she feels about her dad. It’s quickly confirmed that Tina totally has psychic powers including telekinesis. A lot of people don’t like this movie because they feel like it’s silly that Tina has these powers. Oh, really? You think it’s silly that she can move stuff with her mind but you can buy into the whole Jason story? I mean, in the first one it’s his mother, okay fine. In the second one, it’s him and for the most of the rest it is him. But this guy dies over and over and he comes back relentlessly, including in one instance being resurrected by a graveyard fence stuck in his chest being struck by lightning. But you are going to say psychic powers are silly? Okay, they are kind of silly, but I didn’t really have a problem with them in this. It equalizes the playing field for Tina and that works for me. Also, they somehow seem to free Jason from the lake in the first place so without Tina, you don’t get the scares of Jason running around in the first place.

Most of the rest of the movie goes on as you would predict. A group of friends is going up the the lake to throw a surprise party for one of them. The birthday boy is stuck on the road because of car trouble and moments later he and the woman with him are straight up murdered by Jason. From there on out, it’s a killing spree with a couple of little twists. In this one, the doctor is really just interested in getting Tina to show off her powers so that’s why he brought her here in the first place. That makes all the deaths in this, except for Tina’s dad, kinda his fault. Don’t worry though, Jason takes care of him too. Tina does meet a guy she thinks is cute and they flirt and of course they end up being the ones to survive. It’s pretty standard Jason fare and overall, this is definitely not the worst of the sequels in my opinion.

I did have a few thoughts though.

  1. Tina kills her abusive father and then spends her whole life regretting it. Never does anyone mention that this dude shouldn’t have hit her mother or that her reaction might be understandable. I’m not saying Tina should have killed anyone, and it certainly was an accident, but maybe she should be allowed to lower the guilt factor a bit here.
  2. At the end of the movie, the thing that finally brings Jason down? Tina’s dad coming up from the bottom of the lake to put chains around his neck. I think this was an almost nod to the first film but it just made me go, wait, what?
  3. Then, after everything is over, Tina tell Nick that it was him who killed Jason. Come on Tina, take a little credit for resurrecting your dad. That was all you.
  4. Car trouble again in Crystal Lake. Slick Dungeon’s repair shop idea is back on baby!
  5. I really wanted someone in the film to warn someone about the legend of Jason in this but that scene never happened. I need my dude warns people away from Crystal Lake scene. Come on, what have sequels come to here?! Also, once again, if any horror directors need a guy who lives in a dungeon to warn people away from that haunted old place in the woods, I am your guy.
  6. This has bothered me for a few of these movies but, how long exactly is Friday the 13th? I mean, this starts in daylight, there is a night that passes, more daylight happens, then Jason goes on his killing spree until the dawn. So, does everyone always drive up on Thursday the 12th? Or is it the moment that Jason wakes up when the 13th begins? All I know for sure is that on Saturday the 14th everyone is going to be talking about how they are never going camping again, thank you very much.
  7. Forget Jason surviving, how has that hockey mask stayed in such good condition for so long?
  8. Every time Jason’s mask has come off, what is underneath it is more grotesque than before but at this point, it’s just getting weird. They leave his mask off for a good portion of the last few minutes and I was just thinking, how long did that makeup take?
  9. I know Jason is a silent killer most of the time but seriously, how does no one ever see him first? I don’t mean just right before he kills you but like, walking around with the bodies he is about to hide in strategic places for the maximum scare. He had to have made some noise when he put that head on a bed. Are people just not paying attention or are all the campers hearing impaired in some way?
  10. How is this place still open in any way? I mean I know that in this one, it’s people’s houses by the lake, not the camp itself but this lake has such a huge body count that I think it would be unethical to allow anyone near it ever.
  11. Also, I am not sure exactly what the motivation is for Jason to kill people any more. I got it in the first four or five films but in this one, it seems to be… because reasons. Is it asking too much to at least have one of these people be a camp counselor or something?
  12. Why does Tina seem to know about Jason when no one, other than the narrator at the beginning (who was not an old man warning people away from that haunted place), ever even mentions him? I mean, the media was probably all over the story so it would be local knowledge but Tina just looks in the lake at one point, see Jason come out and seems to know who he is. She confirms it later when she looks at news articles but how did she know already? Is that part of her psychic stuff? I couldn’t tell.
  13. For my money, although he is harder to kill now, I actually liked these movies better when Jason was closer to human. Can we go back to the legend of “Camp Blood” now please? No but really can we?

What do you like more, the killable, camp blood Jason or the revenant unkillable Jason? Let me know in the comments.

Next time, Jason is going to “Take Manhattan”. Dude, that’s a Muppet thing! And for my money, I don’t think Miss Piggy is going to let Jason come between her and her Kermy so you might as well give up now, Jason.

Psychically yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS Want to see the unstoppable Jason in all his glory fighting the uh, pretty tough Tina? Check it out by clicking the image below.

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives – #MovieReview

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

It only took six films but the kids have finally arrived at camp! Slick Dungeon here to give my hot take on a way old film yet again. This time I am reviewing the sixth film in the Friday the 13th franchise.

This is the third film that centers on the character of Tommy Jarvis in his quest to end Jason. Also, this is the third actor to portray Tommy Jarvis. And this whole film probably could have been titled: Friday the 13th Part VI: Tommy makes an oopsie.

There will be spoilers in this review so go on, watch that old slasher goodness then come back here to enjoy my irreverent and irrefutable take on the movie.

Did you watch? Do you think I care? Hope you like the review though. I am gonna do a quick plot summary then I have a few questions about this movie.

Tommy, who is out of the mental institution, although it’s not real clear if he is supposed to be, is still haunted by images of Jason. What happened to Tommy being the villain in this one? I thought in the last one it was implied that Tommy would be the new Jason? We’re going to just pretend the fifth film did not happen. Well, except for mentioning that Tommy was in a mental institution and all that. Why are we forgetting it? The fans hated, hated, hated the idea of the killer not being Jason anymore. Count me in that number.

So what does Tommy get to do in this instead? Like a complete idiot he goes to dig Jason up to make sure he is dead and then pour gasoline on him and light it up to, you know, make sure that the guy who has been dead for more than five years stays dead. Through a completely farcical set of circumstances, Tommy impales Jason with part of the fence of the graveyard, which then acts as a lightning rod that raises Jason from the dead. Good job Tommy. Now do you see why no one likes you after part IV?

The film plays out the rest of the night with Jason going back to Crystal Lake, (now rebranded Forest Green as if that would help at all) kills tons of people, and is of course stopped in the end, to no doubt return again in a sequel. It’s fairly predictable although now Jason is really an undead creature capable of super human strength and endurance. If he was hard to survive before, it’s next to impossible now.

This film is a needed improvement from the one before, ridiculousness and all, but is by no means the best of the series. It’s worth a watch but it starts to feel silly in this one.

Here are some thoughts and questions I had.

  1. I don’t think lightning works like that. I mean, he wasn’t even hooked up to huge machines before the lightning struck. Jason is no Frankenstein’s monster. I’m not sure I can suspend my disbelief in this film anymore. Oh wait, there he goes ripping a guys heart out of his chest. I guess I’m all in again?
  2. Tommy goes and warns the sheriff that Jason is back. The sheriff doesn’t believe him at all. Also, out of six films, this is the sixth top officer in town, so if you are looking for job stability in Crystal Lake, don’t go into law enforcement. While this is not the old guy warns those teenage kids away scene, it was close and I will take what I can get. For my money, that scene is an absolute necessity in most good horror films. If you are thinking of making a horror film and need a guy to stand outside a store and look at people like they are crazy when they say they are going to “camp blood”, I’m your guy.
  3. Jason now seems super unkillable but Tommy opens like the first three pages of a book on the occult and seems to know that he has to put Jason back to rest where he drowned to stop him. That occult book was super specific. Is Jason coming back from the dead like the number one problem occult books deal with or what?
  4. It’s taken quite a few films but guess what? Kids arrived at camp. I don’t know how it has been that in most of these movies there are no kids at an actual summer camp but they finally made it. Was that the longest bus ride ever or what?
  5. Later in the movie, the kids are checked on multiple times when it seems things are going wrong. They tell the kids everything is okay. Then they tell the kids to hide under the bed. The sheriff goes out to look for Jason. You know what not one single adult here thinks to do? Yeah, that’s right. No one thinks to evacuate the kids immediately! Seriously, there is a deranged killer and bodies are piling up. Whether you believe Jason is a legend or not, isn’t the wise thing to do, to evacuate the kids?!?!? Although, Jason never does kill a kid so I guess, good on you Jason?
  6. This one never had car trouble. Well, one guy has trouble starting an RV because he doesn’t know how but no actual car trouble. Did someone steal my idea of opening an auto repair shop in Crystal Lake? I mean, Forest Green.
  7. The deputy was easily fooled into letting Tommy out of his cell after he had been locked up for suspicion of murder. I think I am starting to see why the cops show up so late to these mass killings. They are terrible at their jobs.
  8. This group of coworkers going on a company retreat of some kind are having a paint ball war when Jason comes and kills them all. Note to self: add one more reason never to go on a company retreat and have a paint ball war.
  9. The people who actually own and run the camp are killed early on by Jason. The woman is smart enough to think they have to leave right away when she sees a guy in a mask. So let me get this straight. The hockey mask freaks you out and you want to leave but the fact that he is holding this huge iron rod with a sharp point is not even worth a mention?!
  10. Even though the people who own the camp have been missing for several hours and the sheriff has a strong suspicion that Tommy could have killed them, the cops keep telling the camp counselors that everything is going to be fine. What?! I mean come on, at least send an officer up there to have a look.
  11. The second the cops do get up to the camp, they all split up to look for Jason. By this time, they know it’s a good possibility he is out there. Why are you splitting up?! Take a buddy with you people! Never split the party. It’s a bad idea.
  12. To lure Jason to his final resting place, Tommy gets in a boat, ties a huge chain around a rock, then calls Jason over to try to stop him from killing someone. As soon as Jason gets over there, Tommy lights the area around the boat on fire with gasoline. I mean it looks cool and all but could someone please explain to me, how in the blue blazes lighting the water on fire is supposed to help?!
  13. We all know Jason is going to come back and this movie has no real twists in it at the end. Am I asking too much from the Friday the 13th movies to want a better last gasp out of them? I mean the first movie has Jason come out of the water, which was a good albeit silly scare. Usually the end is something like that where you are supposed to remain scared. This one? Jason opens his eyes underwater. Whoop-de-doo. Oh no, Jason is going to come back again? Am I supposed to be scared of that? Come on, give us a better stinger here people!

The next one I will be reviewing is called Friday the 13th Part VI: The New Blood. Yeah, I mean who wants the old blood anyway? Just hurry and stock up before it’s all gone in the pandemic.

Frighteningly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS: If you want to see Jason come back from the dead to terrorize a camp but kill zero children, check it out below.

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Posted on by slickdungeon

Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter – #MovieReview

Slick Dungeon here to review the very last of the Friday the 13th franchise. Yes, it’s the last one. Definitely no more after this one because it says it right there in the title. This is the final chapter. The only possible way they could make more of these is if they had A New Beginning. Wait, what? There is? It seems for some reason people who made these movies liked money and decided to keep making these even after they promised this one would be the last one. I guess you have more of my reviews to look forward to then don’t you?

Fair warning to readers I am going to spoil this all over the place in the same way that Jason splatters blood everywhere (metaphorically though, I don’t condone actual violence) so if you don’t want to know about a plucky Corey Feldman, the exotic and amazing dance moves of Crispen Glover or where the wine corkscrew actually is, watch the movie first.

Did you watch it? Actually, never mind I don’t care if you watched it, I only care if you enjoy my review. I did warn you though.

This one starts off with what you might consider a three minute best of Jason killing people recap, just so that everyone can quickly get up to speed on how many dead people they didn’t see if they haven’t watched the first three films. This time they do use the campfire story to frame it, but they just use the one from part 2 instead of, you know making it new and original at all.

We finally, finally, see some cops come in to actually clean up the bodies of the dead from the last movie. You know what we don’t see? Anyone even bothering to check for a pulse on anyone. Guess who isn’t gonna be dead? Can you guess? Can you? No, but really can you?

Jason is loaded into an ambulance taken to a hospital and sent to the morgue there where they do stuff like, talk about how hot the dead women are and, put a sandwich on Jason’s feet and then make out with each other. I think I am starting to see why Jason may not like people so much.

As you would expect, Jason gets up after having suffered more wounds than I can count, including an ax to the face. I think it’s safe to say he is essentially immortal at this point in the series.

I’m a little torn between part 2 and this one as being the best of the sequels. On the one hand I think part 2 was more true to the origins and intentions of the first film. On the other hand, this is a much more craftily developed film. It takes enough time for us to get to know a few characters and even gives one of them a good reason to be up in the woods looking for Jason. As if that weren’t enough, we get to see an ever plucky Corey Feldman, not only obsessed with making cool masks but also getting to be the one to end Jason at the finish of the film. If there is one thing that might make this one my favorite of all of the films in the series it is this. Crispn Glover dancing like a maniac. And this was before he was buffing out blind spots for Biff Tanner.

Even if you don’t like this series, part IV belongs in cinematic history for that clip right there.

This film also does a few things more intelligently than the other films. For one, when Jason decides to go on his killing spree, he really does pick them off one by one until the last person in the house starts finding the bodies. And at that point he has strung up the dead bodies so that exiting is much more difficult. I’m starting to think I see where Neegan from The Walking Dead got his ideas. They have a guy who has a sister who was killed by Jason and he is out for revenge. The dude is smart enough to realize that Jason isn’t dead when his body is reported missing and two people from the morgue have disappeared.

However, this film is far from perfect and I still had a few thoughts.

  1. I miss the scene where someone warns those kids away from the place. The just showed the people from the earlier films do that. I need my old man warning me away from stuff scene! Also, any casting agents needing a townie to warn people away in their film, hit me up, I am available.
  2. There is one part where a hitch hiker is killed after standing by Pamela Voorhess’ grave. First off, why is the gravestone that close to the road? It didn’t seem to be a cemetery or anything plus she died at the camp in the lake so if you want to bury her where she died, that wouldn’t be it. Second, why would you stand there to put your thumb out? I mean respect the dead a little. Although she was a psychotic killing machine so maybe she doesn’t deserve so much respect.
  3. Oh look, the kid is getting out of a car to fix it because there is car trouble. That makes four out of four films where cars have some kind of mechanical issue. Learn to maintain your vehicles because you never know when you will need to flee from a psychotic, nearly immortal, knife wielding killer! Also, you should have a full tank in case of any emergency. Note to self: after getting role as townie warning people away, get on that whole opening an auto repair shop near Crystal Lake.
  4. Hey Crispin Glover is looking for the wine corkscrew. I bet that’s gonna end up in his skull. Oh look, he’s still hollering about it. Any second now… Hey, Crispin Glover, bad news, you have a sharp object sticking out of your head. Hey, Crispin Glover, good news, you found the wine corkscrew.
  5. Why does the guy who is plotting revenge on Jason camp so far away from Camp Crystal Lake? I mean does he not know that a bunch of dead people showed up at the cabins, not just out in the woods despite the fact that he has a whole bunch of news articles to refer to?
  6. Woah, the car that didn’t start earlier never actually became an issue at a critical moment in this movie.
  7. I get that Corey Feldman is shaving his head to fool Jason but this doesn’t make much sense to me. Is he supposed to be Jason when he is younger? Why would that stop Jason? It made more sense to me in part 2 where they figure out to impersonate his mother to throw him off but this part just doesn’t work for me.
  8. Okay so Corey Feldman’s older sister in this has realized they are in danger, gone to the house next door to see what is going on, knows Jason is there and has killed people. Then the guy who is out for revenge finds Jason and she sees it. As the guy is literally yelling that Jason is killing him and that she should run, she freaking stares and screams. Why would you not run?! This makes zero sense to me. Just run.
  9. Okay Jason looks pretty dead now and that hockey mask is destroyed. Can this be the end of the series?
  10. Oh, well if Corey Feldman who actually killed Jason is looking into the camera like that at the end, it’s definitely not over. Why call this the final chapter? You know you are gonna make more.
  11. I know his character is dead and all but could we get more of Crispin Glover dancing?
  12. Think anyone will actually make sure Jason is dead this time? Yeah me neither.
  13. Can’t they just shut down the whole Crystal Lake area at this point? Also, no one mentioned it but did this actually take place on Friday the 13th? I feel like we should see a calendar or something so we know for sure.

All in all, this was one of the most enjoyable of the series and is worth watching whether or not you have seen the rest.

Dancingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

Want to see Crispin Glover dancing for yourself? Click below!

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Posted on by slickdungeon

Friday the 13th Part 3 – #MovieReview

Jason Found a Hockey Mask

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! Wait, what’s that you say? It’s not Friday the 13th? This month doesn’t even have a Friday the 13th? Well, who can tell anymore. I’ve been in my dungeon so long I have no idea what the day is anymore let alone the date, so I’m just going to go with it’s Friday the 13th okay?

The movie series Friday the 13th is an absolute juggernaut of horror. Jason has been picking off camp counselors since 1980 and it might surprise you to know that he doesn’t even get his iconic hockey mask until the third film. It didn’t surprise me because I have seen all these movies before but that fact surprises a lot of people who are not horror fans.

Fair warning before I go into the review. There will be spoilers so if you haven’t watched this yet, go do it and then come back for the review. Spoiler: Jason kills people. Did you really watch it? Ah, who cares, just read my review. I put a lot of effort into these because… I have nothing else to do…

Anyway, the third film finds another group of people dumb enough to go up near Camp Crystal Lake to spend some time running away from a deranged killer. The film opens a lot like part two did, with a bit of a recap from the previous film. I guess in case anyone forgot what happened the last time. And so that you know that Jason is the killer in this one. In case you weren’t sure. Next he goes on to kill a couple of people who must live sort of near Jason but it’s not really explained who they are or why Jason offs them.

In fact, most of the killing Jason does in this one seems to be more for sport than to follow any plot development from the last two films. This time, the people going up there seem to just be spending a weekend or something up near the camp. They don’t even say they are camp counselors. Still, Jason offs them anyway cause I guess he want to? He then seems to live there or near there until these new people show up to camp for the weekend.

There is actually a little bit of character development in this film. We get the character of Chris Higgins who is a woman who survived an encounter with Jason a couple of years ago. She wasn’t in the previous films or anything, just a random encounter with Jason. Turns out that the actress who survives at the end of the second film didn’t want to come back for the third film so we get what kind of feels like a tacked on extra attack scene. But still, Chris surviving the attack and then coming back and having a second round with Jason is kind of the point. Well, the horror, gore and jumping out of nowhere to try to scare us is the point but you know what I mean.

The plot runs mostly as you would expect. People camp, they walk off without a buddy (take a buddy with you!) then they get killed by Jason. Later other people find those bodies, turn around and get killed by Jason. Then later other people find those bodies, run away from Jason, almost get killed by Jason, don’t get killed by Jason, kill Jason, Jason doesn’t seem to stay dead, he kills some more people, then they kill Jason again and maybe he’s dead?

I had a few thoughts while watching this.

  1. Why is Jason killing these people? They’re not camp counselors. They don’t even say they are. I know this is silly but I want Jason to have a reason to kill these people, since at least in the first two there was one.
  2. Who in their right mind decides to go anywhere near this place anymore? There have been at least five nights of tragic death and terror at this lake. I would think that’s bad enough press that you wouldn’t go camping there any more.
  3. The character who starts off with the hockey mask is a huge jerk. They make this big deal over and over about “what happened to Chris up there” in the years past. Yet this dude fakes his own death to get a laugh and scares everyone as if he was a killer as a prank. Considering the history of this place that is beyond bad taste. Jason, why are you trying to be like this guy?!
  4. That dude is not the only jerky guy in this. As a laugh, Chris’ sort of boyfriend jumps out of nowhere, grabs her by the throat then starts kissing her. Then he has the nerve to ask her what is wrong. Really dude? Really? Wow, out of touch much?
  5. Oh good Jason got rid of the jerks.
  6. There are these motorcycle gang characters in this. All of them end up killed by Jason of course but man oh man, it’s hilarious to see what eighties movies thought tough guys looked like.
  7. The cops in this area are so, so bad. They don’t warn people away, they don’t seem to notice that there is a killer up by this lake, and in three films, we have had three different local cops up there but only after everything happens.
  8. This still has the dude warns everyone away scene but this time, the guy is holding an eyeball. Okay, if I am ever warned away from a place by a guy holding an eyeball, I am not going to dismiss that. In that situation you need to report this to the police and hope they can find out who used to own that eyeball. But nope, these character just keep driving cause, weekend plans. And also the cops suck anyway so why bother?
  9. Note to self: get a job as a guy who warns people away in horror films. Bring eyeball.
  10. I gotta say that Jason really improved his look in this one. The hockey mask is working for him. He should go with that for sure. It’s been a while since I saw the other ones so now I am wondering if he wears the same mask in all the others or does he like need to pick up fresh ones?
  11. Jason took an ax to the face but he’s still walking? Really? Okay, I guess it’s time to totally suspend disbelief now. I can do that. But if there isn’t an ax whole in that hockey mask in the next movie, Jason definitely got a new one.
  12. In three out of three films there is car trouble at a crucial moment. This time it’s because the motorcycle gang stole gas out of the van instead of just battery trouble. Still, these people are terrible at car maintenance. And like, checking if you have gas before driving away.
  13. Note to self: Open auto repair shop near Crystal Lake.

I think I am gonna stop there with 13. See what I did there? Can you blame me? It’s Friday after all. Isn’t it?

Anyway, the next one is called Friday the 14th Part IV: The Final Chapter. That means it’s the last one right? Right?!

Datedly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS: Want to see Jason pick up his iconic mask? Click below and enjoy!

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Posted on by slickdungeon

Cold Hell – #MovieReview

A First Rate Thriller That Never Lets Up

Slick Dungeon here, streaming to you live from inside of a dull, dusty, dungeon. I know that everyone is saying that The Invisible Man is a fantastic and frightening thriller. I am sure I will get around to seeing it at some point but I watched a truly gripping thriller on Shudder last night and no one had to become invisible in that movie for it to be terrifying.

Cold Hell is a movie about a serial killer in Vienna, Austria. He is targeting Muslim women who have become prostitutes. I’m not going to give away much more of the plot here because I seriously think everyone should just watch this, it’s that good. There is some blood and the violence is brutal and vicious and realistic. But, it’s not overly gore drenched because it simply doesn’t need to be.

If you watch this, here are some things you can look forward to.

  1. A protagonist who is a total bad ass and not someone who just seems like a victim.
  2. The most intense killer in the back seat car chase I have ever seen in my life.
  3. Police who do their jobs and are not stupid, heartless or foolish in the film.
  4. Great acting.
  5. A lot of subtitles to read, but it’s worth it.
  6. An extremely believable reason as to why the serial killer has gone free so long.
  7. Non-stop intensity. That’s not to say that all scenes are action scenes, far from it, but in every frame of this film you feel the weight of it.
  8. A satisfying conclusion to the action. I won’t say if it ends well or not for the heroine but the end was perfect.
  9. A film of reasonable length that still wallops a mean punch. This is only about 90 minutes long so you probably have time to see it.
  10. A reason to keep streaming movies while you are bored at home.

Cold Hell caught me off guard because a lot of what is on Shudder is kind of silly or the third rate trash bin flicks I usually tend to watch. I love those and I am definitely going to keep reviewing them but this one is for anyone who just likes a good thriller. This is riveting and I loved every second of it. Do me a favor and give it a try. If you can stand a little blood, this is totally worth the time.

Praisingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS: Need shudder? You can get it at the link below:

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This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Posted on by slickdungeon

Satanic Panic – #MovieReview

The First Day at Work Suuuucks

There’s a good chance that if you are reading this you are stuck inside. Maybe you have exhausted all of your Netflix options and need something new to watch. Well if you like horror comedy, Satanic Panic should be right up your alley. It will inject a little laughter and a good amount of blood splatter into your otherwise dull day.

Spoilers follow so be forewarned.

Sam has just been hired to be a pizza delivery girl and is having a rough time on her first day. She’s delayed by people asking weird and ridiculous things of her, like helping move a huge box, and uhh… peeing on someone’s face. The first one she does, the second she wisely refuses to do. Her night gets worse from there.

She gets the chance to go deliver to a wealthy neighborhood and is hoping for some major tips when she gets to the huge house. The dude inside stiffs her and she gets back on her Vespa to go and return to work. Unfortunately she has run out of gas so she can’t start the thing. She tries to go back and ask jerky rich dude for a tip so she can just get home and it seems like she has interrupted some kind of self help meeting. Turns out it was a satanic coven trying to enact a ritual to bring forth a demon and creating chaos in the world. So you know, pretty similar to a self help meeting.

Sam spends the rest of the time running around trying not to, you know, get murdered and stuff. The usual thing happens where she doesn’t believe stuff, then sees people die and starts to believe it and then makes a friend and then they are in this together but the odds are stacked against them and, yeah more people get killed and so on.

I had a few thoughts about this movie.

  • Sam goes into the house she delivers pizza to beg for a tip. But see, she’s already out of gas. Why didn’t she just head towards the gas station, since she would have to walk anyway, and ask people for change along the way? It’s pretty clear that these rich people are non-tipping jerkwads so, maybe don’t expect help from that department.
  • There’s a serious amount of body horror in this but I found it utterly hilarious how the head of the coven, Danica, played by Rebecca Romijn, orders her subordinates around with baking instructions for satanic needs.
  • The premise of this movie seems to be that rich jerky people who are in power stay in power because they are willing to sacrifice their children and harness satanic powers. Checks notes: yep that makes a lot of sense.
  • This coven seems to need Sam because she is a virgin but they all assume that she is, before she confirms it later in the movie. Why wouldn’t she lie to them once it was apparent everyone wants her for a hell ritual?
  • I think Sam goes without actually killing a single person in this movie, even when it would be called for in self defense (there’s one where she was willing to but couldn’t because, er, magic so she’s not unwilling to defend herself). Where can I get some of that plot armor?
  • This movie is surprisingly well acted for such a silly premise. Can we get more like this please?
  • Demon spawn fuzzy bunnies. I am not going to give this away, but yes, demon spawn fuzzy bunnies exist in this movie.
  • Also, if a pizza delivery girl is trying to sell you a rabbit, say no.
  • I love how they keep insulting Sam’s wardrobe in this because she has, “A Wal-Mart bra”. That sounds so much like something a rich jerk would say, it’s kind of awesome.
  • Also, apparently if you are in a rich neighborhood and a babysitter offers you a Coke, say no.
  • If there is anything I have learned from recent horror movies, it’s this: stay out of wealthy, suburban communities. Those people are twisted.
  • Why is it that in every horror movie when someone runs out of gas at the beginning but then has the opportunity to start the vehicle in the end, it always ends up starting that second time? Like, if my car ran out of gas and I waited long enough, as long as someone tried to kill me, is that an automatic fill up? Or is that maybe just some special rewards program at a particular gas station?

Honestly, I kind of enjoyed this movie. It’s no Titanic but it’ll keep you relatively entertained for about ninety minutes and in the world we live in right now, that’s about all I am asking for.

Hope you enjoyed that review. I’ll be back with more later this week.

Tippingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

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