Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter – #MovieReview

Slick Dungeon here to review the very last of the Friday the 13th franchise. Yes, it’s the last one. Definitely no more after this one because it says it right there in the title. This is the final chapter. The only possible way they could make more of these is if they had A New Beginning. Wait, what? There is? It seems for some reason people who made these movies liked money and decided to keep making these even after they promised this one would be the last one. I guess you have more of my reviews to look forward to then don’t you?

Fair warning to readers I am going to spoil this all over the place in the same way that Jason splatters blood everywhere (metaphorically though, I don’t condone actual violence) so if you don’t want to know about a plucky Corey Feldman, the exotic and amazing dance moves of Crispen Glover or where the wine corkscrew actually is, watch the movie first.

Did you watch it? Actually, never mind I don’t care if you watched it, I only care if you enjoy my review. I did warn you though.

This one starts off with what you might consider a three minute best of Jason killing people recap, just so that everyone can quickly get up to speed on how many dead people they didn’t see if they haven’t watched the first three films. This time they do use the campfire story to frame it, but they just use the one from part 2 instead of, you know making it new and original at all.

We finally, finally, see some cops come in to actually clean up the bodies of the dead from the last movie. You know what we don’t see? Anyone even bothering to check for a pulse on anyone. Guess who isn’t gonna be dead? Can you guess? Can you? No, but really can you?

Jason is loaded into an ambulance taken to a hospital and sent to the morgue there where they do stuff like, talk about how hot the dead women are and, put a sandwich on Jason’s feet and then make out with each other. I think I am starting to see why Jason may not like people so much.

As you would expect, Jason gets up after having suffered more wounds than I can count, including an ax to the face. I think it’s safe to say he is essentially immortal at this point in the series.

I’m a little torn between part 2 and this one as being the best of the sequels. On the one hand I think part 2 was more true to the origins and intentions of the first film. On the other hand, this is a much more craftily developed film. It takes enough time for us to get to know a few characters and even gives one of them a good reason to be up in the woods looking for Jason. As if that weren’t enough, we get to see an ever plucky Corey Feldman, not only obsessed with making cool masks but also getting to be the one to end Jason at the finish of the film. If there is one thing that might make this one my favorite of all of the films in the series it is this. Crispn Glover dancing like a maniac. And this was before he was buffing out blind spots for Biff Tanner.

Even if you don’t like this series, part IV belongs in cinematic history for that clip right there.

This film also does a few things more intelligently than the other films. For one, when Jason decides to go on his killing spree, he really does pick them off one by one until the last person in the house starts finding the bodies. And at that point he has strung up the dead bodies so that exiting is much more difficult. I’m starting to think I see where Neegan from The Walking Dead got his ideas. They have a guy who has a sister who was killed by Jason and he is out for revenge. The dude is smart enough to realize that Jason isn’t dead when his body is reported missing and two people from the morgue have disappeared.

However, this film is far from perfect and I still had a few thoughts.

  1. I miss the scene where someone warns those kids away from the place. The just showed the people from the earlier films do that. I need my old man warning me away from stuff scene! Also, any casting agents needing a townie to warn people away in their film, hit me up, I am available.
  2. There is one part where a hitch hiker is killed after standing by Pamela Voorhess’ grave. First off, why is the gravestone that close to the road? It didn’t seem to be a cemetery or anything plus she died at the camp in the lake so if you want to bury her where she died, that wouldn’t be it. Second, why would you stand there to put your thumb out? I mean respect the dead a little. Although she was a psychotic killing machine so maybe she doesn’t deserve so much respect.
  3. Oh look, the kid is getting out of a car to fix it because there is car trouble. That makes four out of four films where cars have some kind of mechanical issue. Learn to maintain your vehicles because you never know when you will need to flee from a psychotic, nearly immortal, knife wielding killer! Also, you should have a full tank in case of any emergency. Note to self: after getting role as townie warning people away, get on that whole opening an auto repair shop near Crystal Lake.
  4. Hey Crispin Glover is looking for the wine corkscrew. I bet that’s gonna end up in his skull. Oh look, he’s still hollering about it. Any second now… Hey, Crispin Glover, bad news, you have a sharp object sticking out of your head. Hey, Crispin Glover, good news, you found the wine corkscrew.
  5. Why does the guy who is plotting revenge on Jason camp so far away from Camp Crystal Lake? I mean does he not know that a bunch of dead people showed up at the cabins, not just out in the woods despite the fact that he has a whole bunch of news articles to refer to?
  6. Woah, the car that didn’t start earlier never actually became an issue at a critical moment in this movie.
  7. I get that Corey Feldman is shaving his head to fool Jason but this doesn’t make much sense to me. Is he supposed to be Jason when he is younger? Why would that stop Jason? It made more sense to me in part 2 where they figure out to impersonate his mother to throw him off but this part just doesn’t work for me.
  8. Okay so Corey Feldman’s older sister in this has realized they are in danger, gone to the house next door to see what is going on, knows Jason is there and has killed people. Then the guy who is out for revenge finds Jason and she sees it. As the guy is literally yelling that Jason is killing him and that she should run, she freaking stares and screams. Why would you not run?! This makes zero sense to me. Just run.
  9. Okay Jason looks pretty dead now and that hockey mask is destroyed. Can this be the end of the series?
  10. Oh, well if Corey Feldman who actually killed Jason is looking into the camera like that at the end, it’s definitely not over. Why call this the final chapter? You know you are gonna make more.
  11. I know his character is dead and all but could we get more of Crispin Glover dancing?
  12. Think anyone will actually make sure Jason is dead this time? Yeah me neither.
  13. Can’t they just shut down the whole Crystal Lake area at this point? Also, no one mentioned it but did this actually take place on Friday the 13th? I feel like we should see a calendar or something so we know for sure.

All in all, this was one of the most enjoyable of the series and is worth watching whether or not you have seen the rest.

Dancingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

Want to see Crispin Glover dancing for yourself? Click below!

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Friday the 13th Part 3 – #MovieReview

Jason Found a Hockey Mask

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! Wait, what’s that you say? It’s not Friday the 13th? This month doesn’t even have a Friday the 13th? Well, who can tell anymore. I’ve been in my dungeon so long I have no idea what the day is anymore let alone the date, so I’m just going to go with it’s Friday the 13th okay?

The movie series Friday the 13th is an absolute juggernaut of horror. Jason has been picking off camp counselors since 1980 and it might surprise you to know that he doesn’t even get his iconic hockey mask until the third film. It didn’t surprise me because I have seen all these movies before but that fact surprises a lot of people who are not horror fans.

Fair warning before I go into the review. There will be spoilers so if you haven’t watched this yet, go do it and then come back for the review. Spoiler: Jason kills people. Did you really watch it? Ah, who cares, just read my review. I put a lot of effort into these because… I have nothing else to do…

Anyway, the third film finds another group of people dumb enough to go up near Camp Crystal Lake to spend some time running away from a deranged killer. The film opens a lot like part two did, with a bit of a recap from the previous film. I guess in case anyone forgot what happened the last time. And so that you know that Jason is the killer in this one. In case you weren’t sure. Next he goes on to kill a couple of people who must live sort of near Jason but it’s not really explained who they are or why Jason offs them.

In fact, most of the killing Jason does in this one seems to be more for sport than to follow any plot development from the last two films. This time, the people going up there seem to just be spending a weekend or something up near the camp. They don’t even say they are camp counselors. Still, Jason offs them anyway cause I guess he want to? He then seems to live there or near there until these new people show up to camp for the weekend.

There is actually a little bit of character development in this film. We get the character of Chris Higgins who is a woman who survived an encounter with Jason a couple of years ago. She wasn’t in the previous films or anything, just a random encounter with Jason. Turns out that the actress who survives at the end of the second film didn’t want to come back for the third film so we get what kind of feels like a tacked on extra attack scene. But still, Chris surviving the attack and then coming back and having a second round with Jason is kind of the point. Well, the horror, gore and jumping out of nowhere to try to scare us is the point but you know what I mean.

The plot runs mostly as you would expect. People camp, they walk off without a buddy (take a buddy with you!) then they get killed by Jason. Later other people find those bodies, turn around and get killed by Jason. Then later other people find those bodies, run away from Jason, almost get killed by Jason, don’t get killed by Jason, kill Jason, Jason doesn’t seem to stay dead, he kills some more people, then they kill Jason again and maybe he’s dead?

I had a few thoughts while watching this.

  1. Why is Jason killing these people? They’re not camp counselors. They don’t even say they are. I know this is silly but I want Jason to have a reason to kill these people, since at least in the first two there was one.
  2. Who in their right mind decides to go anywhere near this place anymore? There have been at least five nights of tragic death and terror at this lake. I would think that’s bad enough press that you wouldn’t go camping there any more.
  3. The character who starts off with the hockey mask is a huge jerk. They make this big deal over and over about “what happened to Chris up there” in the years past. Yet this dude fakes his own death to get a laugh and scares everyone as if he was a killer as a prank. Considering the history of this place that is beyond bad taste. Jason, why are you trying to be like this guy?!
  4. That dude is not the only jerky guy in this. As a laugh, Chris’ sort of boyfriend jumps out of nowhere, grabs her by the throat then starts kissing her. Then he has the nerve to ask her what is wrong. Really dude? Really? Wow, out of touch much?
  5. Oh good Jason got rid of the jerks.
  6. There are these motorcycle gang characters in this. All of them end up killed by Jason of course but man oh man, it’s hilarious to see what eighties movies thought tough guys looked like.
  7. The cops in this area are so, so bad. They don’t warn people away, they don’t seem to notice that there is a killer up by this lake, and in three films, we have had three different local cops up there but only after everything happens.
  8. This still has the dude warns everyone away scene but this time, the guy is holding an eyeball. Okay, if I am ever warned away from a place by a guy holding an eyeball, I am not going to dismiss that. In that situation you need to report this to the police and hope they can find out who used to own that eyeball. But nope, these character just keep driving cause, weekend plans. And also the cops suck anyway so why bother?
  9. Note to self: get a job as a guy who warns people away in horror films. Bring eyeball.
  10. I gotta say that Jason really improved his look in this one. The hockey mask is working for him. He should go with that for sure. It’s been a while since I saw the other ones so now I am wondering if he wears the same mask in all the others or does he like need to pick up fresh ones?
  11. Jason took an ax to the face but he’s still walking? Really? Okay, I guess it’s time to totally suspend disbelief now. I can do that. But if there isn’t an ax whole in that hockey mask in the next movie, Jason definitely got a new one.
  12. In three out of three films there is car trouble at a crucial moment. This time it’s because the motorcycle gang stole gas out of the van instead of just battery trouble. Still, these people are terrible at car maintenance. And like, checking if you have gas before driving away.
  13. Note to self: Open auto repair shop near Crystal Lake.

I think I am gonna stop there with 13. See what I did there? Can you blame me? It’s Friday after all. Isn’t it?

Anyway, the next one is called Friday the 14th Part IV: The Final Chapter. That means it’s the last one right? Right?!

Datedly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS: Want to see Jason pick up his iconic mask? Click below and enjoy!

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Friday the 13th Part 2 – #MovieReview

Use the Buddy System People!

Do you need a reason not to go outside and get into a crowd? Here’s one. There could be a deranged killer at that camp you were going to so you’re probably better of staying at home anyway. That’s the lesson of Friday the 13th Part 2. If you ask my opinion, they should have called this Saturday the 14th but no one asked my opinion so too bad I guess.

Fair warning that I am going to spoil some of this movie so if you haven’t watched it yet, get Shudder (you can actually get it free for 30 days right now with the code SHUTIN) and watch up before you read on!

Okay now that you are back I am going to give you a very brief summary of the plot and then I am giving you Slick Dungeon’s camping tips for when we can finally all go camping again.

The film starts off with Alice from the first movie dreaming about her horrible experience. But it might as well have started off with a narrator saying, “Previously on Friday the 13th!” because it’s just a mish-mash of scenes from the first movie. I guess the film makers just couldn’t trust that people hadn’t seen the first one and thought it would be very important to kill a few minutes showing that so that we all could know what happened before. Because see we were so invested in these intriguing characters from the last film that of course we need that update. Can you tell this part annoyed me?

Anyway, pretty soon Alice is dead because the killer shoves a pointy object through her skull, but not before leaving a decapitated head in her fridge. Alice sees the head, realizes it is the head she decapitated in the last film and then bye bye Alice.

We fast forward five years or so and a new group of teens is coming up to the lake to be camp counselors. This time they aren’t counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, just a camp right near that camp, but on the same lake. It’s not the same okay?! If you thought this movie was practically identical to the first one, then why would the camp where all the killing happens be a whole short hike away?!?! Totally new material here I promise.

There is a part where the dude leading the camp tells a scary ghost story about Jason and his mother. If I was making the movie I would have just used that instead of the beginning part that felt tacked on and pointless here. Anyway, the same kind of thing from the first movie happens where a killer, who we mostly know is about to kill because the camera turns to a first person point of view shot, finds and picks off camp counselors one night right before the camp is supposed to open.

I’m not really going to go in how each character dies because that’s the only possible reason to watch these. I will say that the whole decapitated head thing is kind of creepy but they hit a lot of standard horror tropes in this movie. There is the guy warns kids away scene. The guy who warned kids away gets killed scene. The cops come to check stuff out and almost catch the killer but get killed scene. There is the car won’t start early in the movie to set up the fact that it won’t start later at a crucial moment in the movie scene. And like I said in my last post, there is the no one believes the victim scene, which I hate.

I will give away one death here. There is a dude in a wheel chair in this who is clearly the strongest guy there. He crushes everyone at camp at arm wrestling but he dies in a very disappointing way to me. He doesn’t even really get to fight Jason, he just takes a machete to the face. I wanted him to at least arm wrestle the guy. Why not do that since the movie spends so long having the character arm wrestle? Wasted opportunity there.

The night goes on, Jason does more killing, the one character who sort of believes the whole story about Jason is the one to survive but no one is going to believe her. I had some questions though. If it has been five years since that first bloody night, those cops did a terrible job of crime scene clean up if Jason can get that head. Why do these cops suck so much? Also, why is Jason a ghost story here? I would think he would be more of a news story if anything and people should just be like, man these cops suck, let’s investigate why the cops suck so much at their jobs before we open another camp up there where the cops couldn’t protect anyone.

On the whole this movie is still entertaining as a horror exercise and while I suspect it’s the best of the sequels, it’s nowhere near as good as the first one. Why? It’s much less original since it’s just the same story only with the killer being Jason instead of his mother.

On to my tips for camping.

Slick Dungeon’s rules for camping

  1. When you are out camping in the woods, please for the love of God, do not wear teeny tiny shorts from the 1980’s. Do you know how much poison oak and how many tick bites you are going to have to deal with? If someone on the set of these movies didn’t end up with lyme disease I would be shocked.
  2. When you and your buddy go off to look at the creepy camp nearby, tell someone where the heck you are going. I mean, I know it’s forbidden and all but at least tell the other counselors who wouldn’t care so that when you do get killed they don’t have to take forever out in the hot sun searching for your remains on the Saturday after okay?
  3. This one I cannot stress enough. If you go skinny dipping in the middle of the night, take a buddy with you. Yes, you might be embarrassed about being naked in front of someone else but you will be less murdered.
  4. Also, when you ignore my advice and go skinny dipping anyway and one of the jerky guys in camp steals your clothes and you get all mad and demand your shirt back, maybe you should realize that barely counted as a shirt and we didn’t have much left to the imagination in the first place.
  5. Also, when you announce to everyone before you go skinny dipping that you are going for a walk, tell them where you are walking to. AND TAKE A BUDDY.
  6. I mean your buddy is probably going to get killed too once he gets caught in a bear trap but you can leave him there as bait so that you can get away.
  7. But seriously if you go camping at all, like ever, bring a buddy.
  8. If you are the person in charge of one of these places, don’t leave the camp okay? I mean you have been prepping this place for months without all these teenagers and the minute they get here you go into town and leave the camp open for everyone to do whatever they want there and next thing you know you have dead bodies all over your camp. That’s going to drop your summer camp rates from like $1000 per week not including food to $500 per week including food. I mean, you aren’t going to close for good because goodness knows you can’t find a camp cheaper than that and parents are gonna risk it because every other camp is full or more expensive this summer but still. Think about your return on investment! Oh and not getting killed when you finally do come back to the camp.
  9. I saw almost no one drinking water in their hikes, swims, campfires, running for no reason or other physical activity. It gets hot out there and you are at a higher elevation so hydrate or die-drate people! I mean it, if you go camping, bring a freaking water bottle. It’s no fun having to go home early in an ambulance getting pumped full of fluids when you could be up there with your friends trying to survive a deranged murderer instead.
  10. Finally, if you are the townspeople who know that this camp is nicknamed camp blood because it is drenched in the blood of teenage camp counselors, do everyone a favor and make sure to warn people better. Maybe have a sign out there that says murderer danger high/medium/low today so campers can plan well.

Happy Campingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS want to watch this rehashed sequel click below.

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Friday the 13th – #MovieReview

When Kevin Bacon Can’t Make it Through His Fourth Film We Are All In Trouble

It’s half way to Halloween and I’m not sure if the idea of taking candy from strangers, or getting breathed on by a stranger is more dangerous. What I do know is that on Shudder right now, all the Friday the 13th movies are available. I thought now might be as good a time as any to see if they are worth a re-watch.

I remember liking this series a lot as a kid. I used to go over to my friends houses and have sleep overs where we would watch whatever the latest one was and then shiver under the blankets for the rest of the night. Now that I am a grown Slick Dungeon, I thought it would be fun to see if it has the same sense of fun that it used to. I am guessing not, or not entirely but there are a lot of these so I just started with the first one.

This is a film that has been made, re-made, rebooted, sequel-ed, re-imagined, and outright stolen from and copycatted more times than maybe anything else in horror. When you think about how often this has been done and re-done, you start to think that maybe there is a good reason for that. I’m here to argue that there is.

While I suspect this one is the best of the series, that doesn’t mean it’s the best ever movie, I just think it did what it set out to do. For those of you who have never sat through a Friday the 13th film, and know nothing about the horror genre and have somehow been divorced from pop culture since 1980, fair warning: spoilers follow.

This starts out in Camp Crystal Lake, an idyllic yet remote campground in 1958. A couple of camp counselors go off to ahem.. get to know each other better. While they are in the middle of that, the camera shifts to a first person point of view shot and seconds later one of the camp counselors is drenched in blood, knife sticking out of him, without us knowing why this is happening. The next shot is basically the whole point of the film and eventually the series. The female counselor screams into the camera and it freezes on her frame. I know that everyone says the hockey mask is the icon of this film series, but in this movie at least, I say it’s that shot. The whole point of the film is to have the audience screaming and reacting just like her. I also think the film makers played it smart by not giving us a clue in the beginning as to why there is a killer. The use of the first person camera angle is smart because it’s a really easy way to hide the monster. This is not the first movie to use those ideas but it did put those elements together well in this case.

We next get the warning scene that you see in nearly one hundred percent of horror films. A new camp counselor is just outside of Crystal Lake Campground basically at the town where it’s the point of no return. If you go up to Crystal Lake, you are likely not coming back. In the little diner there, the counselor asks for directions and the old, “crazy guy” in town tells everyone they should stay away from that place. Note to self: when I retire, make sure to find jobs in horror films being the old crazy guy who warns everyone they should stay away from that place.

The reaction of the townsfolk to the warning is what you would expect. This dude is kinda nuts. But on the other hand, bad stuff has happened at this camp over the years so maybe you should stay away. No one ever seems to ask for more information in these cases which would save a lot of lives. Note to self: if you are ever warned away from someplace, just collect my stuff and leave.

We spend virtually no time getting to know any characters and there is absolutely zero character growth or change in this film so it doesn’t matter too much to us who gets picked off and killed or why. But there are enough moments of surprise and shock to keep you interested to find out what happens. The night progresses and everyone is essentially picked off one by one, with the exception of Alice who finds out who the killer is, why the killer does what they do, survives the surprise end and will be the only one who really knows what actually happened that night.

There were a few things that I wondered throughout this though.

  1. In the beginning, the killer is smart and just picks off the counselors one by one and hides the bodies in ways that you might not find them. Why does that change two thirds into the film?
  2. This film is the first in the series so it’s nice to see that they can be stopped with normal human methods, not like supernatural powers or whatever.
  3. I swear if all small towns were like the ones in horror movies, no local police should ever be allowed to be police because they never do their jobs.
  4. How has this killer roamed free since 1958 up to 1980? I mean the police never even say like, that person was never caught or anything here so what are the cops doing?
  5. Don’t hitch hike but if you do, when the guy says you should quit and leave, quit and leave.
  6. Fair warning I am going to give the killer away in the next bullet so if you don’t want to know don’t read further.
  7. I mean it, I am going to say who it is.
  8. Seriously, you have been warned.
  9. Mrs. Voorhees comes out of nowhere to go after Alice but she goes on this long speech about how her kid died in the lake and that she is killing everyone because of that. Why does she only share with Alice? Or better question, why wouldn’t she just keep her mouth shut and off Alice the way she did everyone else, as a surprise that they probably couldn’t get away from?
  10. Also, if you are in a Scream movie you better know that it was Pamela Voorhees not Jason Voorhees killing everyone. Jason only gets to be a voice in the distance and in her head and then some kind of zombie-ish thing to scare Alice at the end.
  11. Kevin Bacon is in this? Checks notes. Yes, that’s Kevin Bacon.
  12. Isn’t Kevin Bacon the great hero who got the sticks out of everyone’s butts according to Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2?
  13. Isn’t Kevin Bacon the guy who warned us about Six Degrees of Separation way before a pandemic happened?
  14. Okay to be fair that was Will Smith, but about Kevin Bacon.
  15. Isn’t Kevin Bacon the guy who was in Flatliners, Tremors, Footloose and Apollo 13?
  16. Kevin Bacon can survive anything right? Including, giant worms, dancing, being adrift in space and being talked about by Will Smith.
  17. Come on Kevin Bacon, make it through this movie.
  18. Is that Kevin Bacon with an arrow through his throat?
  19. Oh man, Kevin Bacon, say it ain’t so!
  20. Yeah Kevin Bacon died in this.
  21. I am calling it now, after this one, this series is dead because they killed Kevin Bacon!
  22. Don’t mess with the Kevin Bacon okay?
  23. Sorry did I just go off on a Kevin Bacon tangent?
  24. Can you blame me though?
  25. Anyway this ends up with the obligatory no one believes the survivor scene. If there was one type of scene I would get rid of in all Hollywood films, it’s this one. Why wouldn’t people believe Alice? She is the only one to survive a huge massacre so like, maybe she knows what she is talking about?

For this one, I definitely think this is worth a re-watch. I will let you know what I think of the others as I continue with the series. I know they can’t be as good because it won’t have Kevin Bacon. But then again maybe they will be better because they can’t kill Kevin Bacon?

Frighteningly Yours,

Slick Dungeon





This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Tusk – #MovieReview

I Am The Walrus? I Guess?

Slick Dungeon here, back to review the second movie on Buzzfeed’s most disturbing movies to watch list – Tusk. You know how there are movies that bring us together and make us think that the world is a better place because artists have a creative outlet and audiences can connect on a human level and the world seems a little better because of it? This is the exact opposite of that. This is the kind of movie that makes you think maybe the whole idea of letting anyone who has the resources put something on film and share it with the world is perhaps a very bad idea.

I write this review as someone who has enjoyed Kevin Smith movies in the past. And this sort of had potential until it dove into the complete weirdness of it. I’ll try to sum this up below.

An arrogant podcaster named Wallace goes to Canada to interview a kid who went viral on an embarrassing video that also caused him to lose a limb. The podcaster apparently used to be a nice guy according to a few flashbacks, prior to the podcast but now is a total jerkwad. So he goes to interview this kid but it turns out that the kid killed himself and Wallace (who will become, yes, a walrus) needs to find a new person to interview. He finds a hand written ad in a bar bathroom and it sounds interesting so he grabs a big gulp and drives two hours to a dude’s house, without telling anyone where he is going or why. Good call? Actually, no it isn’t.

The dude is a psycho obsessed with walruses and tends to make people into a human version of a walrus. Yeah, I am not kidding, that’s the hook here. There’s a good amount of body horror here but it looks so stupid and fake that it’s just weird and it never worked for me at all. While this is all going on, we get to see how Wallace has changed into a jerky person, that his best friend is sleeping with his girlfriend and a seriously bizarre performance from Johnny Depp.

Here are the few bright spots in this film.

  1. Haley Joel Osment acting again
  2. A slight bit of humor in a convenience store (that ultimately leads into a terrible spin-off called Yoga Hosers)
  3. Michael Parks has a great turn as a villain although what he is doing is completely idiotic and nowhere near as frightening as he was in Red State. If you want to watch a decent Kevin Smith horror film, that one is excellent.
  4. The beyond weird performance given by Johnny Depp. I still can’t decide how I feel about it exactly but it was a decidedly unique performance.

And… yeah that’s about it. But I guess if you always wanted to see what a human body stitched together to look like the form of a walrus is, this is really your only choice. I wouldn’t call this film especially disturbing although it tended to be gross with a lot of body horror. But the disturbing thing to me is really how they wasted the potential here. This is pretty much the plot of Misery although the protagonist is not a famous author and the antagonist is obsessed with walruses instead of literature. It could have been so, so, so much better. I feel like Michael Parks is wasted in the ridiculousness of the whole film. He plays it nice and creepy and is able to keep the audience on edge and then he starts talking about walruses reproductive organs and it’s just like, whyyyyyyyyy?!

About a third of this movie is worth watching and the rest is just garbage. I know a lot of people love this movie but I just don’t see it. It’s not bad enough to be good and it’s not even close to good enough to be good. It’s just stupid. Sorry Kevin.

I am not sure what I’ll be reviewing next but man it’s got to be better than this pile of drivel.

Seafaringly yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Cold Hell – #MovieReview

A First Rate Thriller That Never Lets Up

Slick Dungeon here, streaming to you live from inside of a dull, dusty, dungeon. I know that everyone is saying that The Invisible Man is a fantastic and frightening thriller. I am sure I will get around to seeing it at some point but I watched a truly gripping thriller on Shudder last night and no one had to become invisible in that movie for it to be terrifying.

Cold Hell is a movie about a serial killer in Vienna, Austria. He is targeting Muslim women who have become prostitutes. I’m not going to give away much more of the plot here because I seriously think everyone should just watch this, it’s that good. There is some blood and the violence is brutal and vicious and realistic. But, it’s not overly gore drenched because it simply doesn’t need to be.

If you watch this, here are some things you can look forward to.

  1. A protagonist who is a total bad ass and not someone who just seems like a victim.
  2. The most intense killer in the back seat car chase I have ever seen in my life.
  3. Police who do their jobs and are not stupid, heartless or foolish in the film.
  4. Great acting.
  5. A lot of subtitles to read, but it’s worth it.
  6. An extremely believable reason as to why the serial killer has gone free so long.
  7. Non-stop intensity. That’s not to say that all scenes are action scenes, far from it, but in every frame of this film you feel the weight of it.
  8. A satisfying conclusion to the action. I won’t say if it ends well or not for the heroine but the end was perfect.
  9. A film of reasonable length that still wallops a mean punch. This is only about 90 minutes long so you probably have time to see it.
  10. A reason to keep streaming movies while you are bored at home.

Cold Hell caught me off guard because a lot of what is on Shudder is kind of silly or the third rate trash bin flicks I usually tend to watch. I love those and I am definitely going to keep reviewing them but this one is for anyone who just likes a good thriller. This is riveting and I loved every second of it. Do me a favor and give it a try. If you can stand a little blood, this is totally worth the time.

Praisingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

PS: Need shudder? You can get it at the link below:

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Satanic Panic – #MovieReview

The First Day at Work Suuuucks

There’s a good chance that if you are reading this you are stuck inside. Maybe you have exhausted all of your Netflix options and need something new to watch. Well if you like horror comedy, Satanic Panic should be right up your alley. It will inject a little laughter and a good amount of blood splatter into your otherwise dull day.

Spoilers follow so be forewarned.

Sam has just been hired to be a pizza delivery girl and is having a rough time on her first day. She’s delayed by people asking weird and ridiculous things of her, like helping move a huge box, and uhh… peeing on someone’s face. The first one she does, the second she wisely refuses to do. Her night gets worse from there.

She gets the chance to go deliver to a wealthy neighborhood and is hoping for some major tips when she gets to the huge house. The dude inside stiffs her and she gets back on her Vespa to go and return to work. Unfortunately she has run out of gas so she can’t start the thing. She tries to go back and ask jerky rich dude for a tip so she can just get home and it seems like she has interrupted some kind of self help meeting. Turns out it was a satanic coven trying to enact a ritual to bring forth a demon and creating chaos in the world. So you know, pretty similar to a self help meeting.

Sam spends the rest of the time running around trying not to, you know, get murdered and stuff. The usual thing happens where she doesn’t believe stuff, then sees people die and starts to believe it and then makes a friend and then they are in this together but the odds are stacked against them and, yeah more people get killed and so on.

I had a few thoughts about this movie.

  • Sam goes into the house she delivers pizza to beg for a tip. But see, she’s already out of gas. Why didn’t she just head towards the gas station, since she would have to walk anyway, and ask people for change along the way? It’s pretty clear that these rich people are non-tipping jerkwads so, maybe don’t expect help from that department.
  • There’s a serious amount of body horror in this but I found it utterly hilarious how the head of the coven, Danica, played by Rebecca Romijn, orders her subordinates around with baking instructions for satanic needs.
  • The premise of this movie seems to be that rich jerky people who are in power stay in power because they are willing to sacrifice their children and harness satanic powers. Checks notes: yep that makes a lot of sense.
  • This coven seems to need Sam because she is a virgin but they all assume that she is, before she confirms it later in the movie. Why wouldn’t she lie to them once it was apparent everyone wants her for a hell ritual?
  • I think Sam goes without actually killing a single person in this movie, even when it would be called for in self defense (there’s one where she was willing to but couldn’t because, er, magic so she’s not unwilling to defend herself). Where can I get some of that plot armor?
  • This movie is surprisingly well acted for such a silly premise. Can we get more like this please?
  • Demon spawn fuzzy bunnies. I am not going to give this away, but yes, demon spawn fuzzy bunnies exist in this movie.
  • Also, if a pizza delivery girl is trying to sell you a rabbit, say no.
  • I love how they keep insulting Sam’s wardrobe in this because she has, “A Wal-Mart bra”. That sounds so much like something a rich jerk would say, it’s kind of awesome.
  • Also, apparently if you are in a rich neighborhood and a babysitter offers you a Coke, say no.
  • If there is anything I have learned from recent horror movies, it’s this: stay out of wealthy, suburban communities. Those people are twisted.
  • Why is it that in every horror movie when someone runs out of gas at the beginning but then has the opportunity to start the vehicle in the end, it always ends up starting that second time? Like, if my car ran out of gas and I waited long enough, as long as someone tried to kill me, is that an automatic fill up? Or is that maybe just some special rewards program at a particular gas station?

Honestly, I kind of enjoyed this movie. It’s no Titanic but it’ll keep you relatively entertained for about ninety minutes and in the world we live in right now, that’s about all I am asking for.

Hope you enjoyed that review. I’ll be back with more later this week.

Tippingly yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a comission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Midsommar – #MovieReview

Don’t Drink the Mushroom Tea

I don’t know about you but I have had some extra time on my hands to watch movies. I read a Buzzfeed article that had 25 of the most disturbing movies you could watch and thought, yeah that’s a great way to stay entertained so here is my review of film number 1.

Midsommar is one that I meant to get around to but didn’t watch until today. I kept hearing really good things about it and wanted to check it out. It’s pretty much every bit as creepy as I heard. Spoilers are below, you have been warned

The movie starts off very dark. I mean that literally and figuratively. The first scenes show a darkened house with lights out in the dead of night. The tone doesn’t really lighten up either. The story revolves around Dani who starts off anxious and worried about her sister who has bipolar disorder. Dani calls her frat bro boyfriend worried and he dismisses her fears in a way that I frankly thought was disgusting. When people are anxious and worried, they should be listened to, not dismissed, especially when there’s evidence that shows the thing they are worried about might have happened. Turns out, Dani was right to worry and her jerk boyfriend Christian wasn’t helping things either. Dani’s sister killed herself and her parents in that dark house I was talking about.

That’s just as devastating a tragedy as I can think of and I don’t think Christian is helpful in the situation either. He’s not a total jerk but he really doesn’t want to be in the relationship with Dani and basically hangs around because it seems like an even more jerk move to break up with her.

Anyway, while Dani is starting to get over her grief, she goes to a party with Christian and he drops this bomb on her when he tells his friends he is planning on going to Sweden with them. Dani is upset, jealous and a bit angry. But she is also very apologetic to Christian about feeling that way. Dani decides not to break up with the guy but to go to Sweden with everyone. Bad call Dani.

The lighting of the film changes dramatically from there. It’s pretty much bright day from there on out. This is not the most gore-filled movie you’ll ever see and there’s not a bunch of quick jump cuts to scare you but the tone of this movie will stay with you if you watch it.

You get the sense right away when Dani is offered some drugs in the form of mushroom tea and she is uncomfortable with it, what with, you know, grieving and all that there is something wrong here. For a while it seems like maybe only the bad things are in Dani’s head but the rituals that are going on in this quiet Swedish town take a dark turn quickly. For the first half of the movie it’s a slow churning build up to what might happen and it just grips you right to the end.

The action really starts going when during a part of this festival two people literally jump to their deaths intentionally as part of it. All of the Americans and Londoners watching recoil in abject horror at what happens. From there, the non-Swedish characters are killed off in different ways one by one. I am not going to give any of that away, but it was devastating to watch. By the end you will find yourself both sympathizing and horrified with Dani and her actions. It’s a wild ride, done in super bright daylight and yet it still never loses the edge of horror that you want in a scary movie.

If you like horror and can stand a little gore, this one is well worth checking out.

Brightly yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

Leprechaun 3 – #MovieReview

Stay Out of Nevada

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I know, we were all hoping to go out to pubs, restaurants and parades but this year, it’s not a great plan. You know what else wasn’t well planned? Leprechaun 3.

Since you are likely stuck at home anyway, why not take advantage and watch some silly horror movies? A Leprechaun marathon might be the way to go. I’ve reviewed a couple of the others of these and I will keep going through the franchise but today, I am going to tell you about the third film in the series.

Okay, so follow me here because this plot is uh… weird. So remember the first two Leprechaun movies? Yeah, forget those because this one is all different. This champion of a film has a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, that’s what a work of cinematic genius this is. It’s nearly impossible to be that low rated and be a movie that was actually made, so that’s one thing they can brag about. To be fair I think it was only released on video but it still earns that 0% rating for sure.

This time our story revolves around Scott and Tammy. Tammy is an assistant magician in Las Vegas who works for Fazio, the least impressive magician ever. Scott is some young dude who sees Tammy’s car broken down on the street and fixes it. For this reason they will go through a bunch of trauma and fall in love by the end of the movie.

Oh hey, spoilers by the way.

Anyway, for no reason that I can figure out, this guy shows up in a pawn shop with the Leprechaun from the previous two films. Only this time, the Leprechaun is stone and has a medallion around his neck. The guy who pawns the statue says it is a good luck charm and not to touch the medallion. Pawn shop owner then immediately touches the medallion. Good job horror film fodder!

The Leprechaun awakens and wreaks some havoc but we learn that he can be stopped by the medallion and that if you get the Leprechaun’s gold you get one wish for every one of his hundred shillings. Also, that the Leprechaun’s weakness is his gold. I mean, in the first movie it was a four leaf clover and in the second movie it was iron, but we are forgetting those okay? Those never happened.

Meanwhile Scott gives Tammy a ride to Vegas where she works at a casino called The Lucky Shamrock. See what the film makers did there? Yep, they snuck in a reference to something related to the Leprechaun. Checks notes: yep, very clever of them. Very clever.

Anyway apparently Scott is not old enough to gamble and Tammy tells him not to gamble and then he says he really wants to see the casino and then she is like okay, just don’t gamble. He goes and immediately gambles. And loses everything he had. Way to go horror movie hero!

Scott then needs to go pawn his watch to stay in the game. The game by the way was rigged by the casino worker there so Scott had no chance either way. Scott finds the very murdered body of the pawn shop owner, calls the cop and flees the scene but not before he picks up… you guessed it, a gold shilling. He wishes that he was winning at the casino and boom, there he goes off an running.

The movie ensues with the Leprechaun hunting down and getting all murdery on a bunch of people in various ways, some of whom totally deserve it, including the casino owner, Fazio and the casino worker rigging the game.

I won’t give away how the Leprechaun does the deed on those people but, I had a few thoughts about this movie.

  • Why do they keep changing this guy’s powers and weaknesses. Okay, okay I know some people will tell me, the actual Leprechaun in this movie is different from the Leprechaun in some of the other Leprechaun movies, despite the fact that he is played by the same actor. Nope, that doesn’t fly because in the last movie the Leprechaun was allergic to wrought iron but that isn’t even thought of in this one, so nope. Also, why are we wasting time arguing about a fictional Leprechaun in a bad horror comedy franchise again?
  • Even if the powers and weaknesses had been consistent between movies, they sure are not in this movie. The most awesomely weird part of this film can be summarized in one ridiculous word. Were-leprechaun! Yep, that’s right, Scott is literally bitten by the Leprechaun and starts to turn into one himself. On the one hand this is bad because, you know, he has to be a Leprechaun now, but on the other hand it is good because Scott can very conveniently find the pot of gold that can destroy the leprechaun but on the third hand (?) it’s bad because now Scott, really, really wants that gold. But the Leprechaun literally bites like three other people in this movie and even more in previous movies so why is Scott the only one who starts to turn into a Leprechaun? This movie about a fictional creature who randomly murders people for stealing his gold is totally unbelievable now…
  • This has happened both in the first and third movies of this series but, is it realistic that the lead couple will meet for the first time, spend a horrible night running away from a killer Leprechaun and fall in love by the end of the movie? I mean, I get that shared traumatic experiences bring people together but… from a killer Leprechaun? Also, how are these people not institutionalized for telling their meet cute story to anyone, ever?
  • Note to self, if stuck in Leprechaun movie, make sure to be one half of the lead couple as so far they have a 100% not getting dead rate in this franchise.
  • There are a couple of thug characters in this movie who do some silly dialogue with each other that I think is supposed to be comic relief. Uh, did the film makers think we needed a break from the serious drama that they had unfolding before us? Because if so, they were mistaken.
  • The Leprechaun uses some hypnotic powers on people and why doesn’t he do that all the time? I mean really, every time he does that he kills the person. So, Leprechaun my dude, just keep doing that.
  • This is the third film in the franchise but I still haven’t figure out, is the Leprechaun required to speak in limericks or does he just really like to? I mean he does say things that aren’t limericks but a lot of times he does. Is that a compulsion or something? Also, why has no one challenged this guy to a rhyme off?
  • Speaking of things that make no sense, why was this located in Las Vegas? I mean I get that there are people there gambling and there would be gold involved but a Leprechaun still just doesn’t make a lot of sense there.
  • Also, what’s the deal with the guy who brought the Leprechaun to the pawn shop? How did he get the Leprechaun and why? And then who thinks, I have a cemented deadly Leprechaun frozen by a medallion, you know what I am going to pawn it? That’s pretty far down the list of good ideas here.
  • But still the Leprechaun is a little murder machine and it’s kind of entertaining to watch so, I’ll go with it.

These movies are getting a little exhausting so I might take a break and review something else in between but I promise in the long run to review every single one of these suckers. I think I may have to forget about the previous ones each time I watch a new one though, if the trend continues.

Still, if you need some humor and you are a horror fan, you might as well watch these movies, it’s something to do while you are stuck inside anyway.

Luckily yours,

Slick Dungeon

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a comission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products I have personally used. Thank you for your support!

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Blood Hunters Rise of the Hybrids – #MovieReview

The action Goes Boom!

Slick Dungeon here, coming at you hard and fast with a martial arts action film review. DarkCoast pictures reached out to me with a screener copy of Blood Hunters Rise of the Hybrids in exchange for an honest opinion about the film. I’ll give you a bit of the plot summary and then tell you about the good, the bad and the kicks in the face.

Blood Hunters Rise of the Hybrids is a low budget, independent martial arts film by Vincent Soberano who also stars in the movie as the character Bolo. The movie also stars Sarah Chang as Gabriela and Mayling Ng as Maya.

I think at this point in the world, a lot of us are trying to make the most out of video streaming because no one wants to go out into a crowd anymore and some people are not allowed to. So what do you do to keep busy? Watch movies. Lots of movies and shows. You’ve watched The Witcher, you caught up on The Boys, and you have watched The Baby Yoda show on loop for the last ten days and it’s time to look for something else. Maybe something you haven’t seen before.

Well, like it or hate it, I can tell you, you haven’t seen Blood Hunters Rise of the Hybrids before. Personally, I am in favor of any film these days that can claim to be independent. If there’s a good story and plenty of entertainment to be had, so much the better. This movie gets some of that right but not all of it.

The story goes like this. There’s a race of alien creatures called the Aswang. They are sort of a cross between vampires and werewolves but they pretty much look human. They are extremely fast and very strong. The really cool thing about them is that they are based on Filipino folklore that Soberano grew up with. I love the idea of monsters that don’t get enough exposure getting some air time.

Anyway, these Aswang are trying to dominate the human race. There was a human trying to stop them named Naga. When he gets the chance to stop the queen of the Aswang, Maya, he instead injects himself with her blood and becomes one of these creatures. Meanwhile there is a group of humans who are basically mercenaries trying to stop Naga and Maya. These people also inject themselves with the Aswang blood to give themselves strength and power but they are on the side of humanity. Confused yet? I was a bit too. I think one thing the movie suffers from is not giving enough time for the origins of the Aswang to play out, instead opting for exposition on their background.

The film also cuts back and forth between what seems to have happened before and the action going on now. It’s not always clear who is doing what or why.

There’s really cool artwork that the film uses to transition scenes with. Sort of like Sin City did. While I love the artwork, which if I understand correctly, Soberano also made, the transitions can get a bit distracting here. It wasn’t completely off putting and it certainly doesn’t ruin the film but it does seem like it happens just a little too often.

The story centers on Gabriela who has a husband and child that were seemingly murdered by Naga. She’s out on a quest for vengeance and she kicks serious butt.

She goes after the creatures as hard as she can. We even learn that her family was basically the first victims of these attacks. Other than that, her motivations are not always real clear.

The film does the wise thing by not overdoing the blood and gore factor. We mostly see dead bodies covered in blood after the fact, but there’s no silly decapitations or anything like that. I feel like that makes the violence the creatures do more impactful.

I would go on with summarizing the story but it’s a little disjointed. The main thing to know is that there are bad, strong monsters that want to kill humans. And there is a group of humans that want to kill the monsters. That’s enough for me though. You know why?

The freaking action scenes are phenomenal.

This movie reminded me of some of the Kung Fu movies I grew up watching on late night television or early morning Sundays. The point is the fighting above all else. That being said, there are still some things I found a little silly.

  • At one point Gabriela fires a slingshot into a stack of boxes near a car. The whole thing blows up. I’m all for unnecessary explosions but, uh one sling shot? Really? And later she uses the same thing to sling shot a dart at someone so, uh did the whole thing actually blow up with one single dart? I mean cool explosion though…
  • There’s one character who basically has fake fangs in his mouth. It made it pretty hard to understand his dialogue and even after watching more than once, I am still not sure what that guy was saying. Still, his martial arts game is strong so all good.
  • These creatures can’t be killed by anything other than a special type of blade. The “Slayers” as they are called, the mercenary group that want to stop the Aswang, sneak up on the enemy base and eliminate a bunch of the guards around them, using guns. Why wouldn’t these creatures post guards that were Aswang instead?! Also, after they are in the building, and about to go after Maya and Naga and the big bads, one of the Slayers says, “blades out, this is the Aswang lair.” Maybe you should have mentioned that outside bro? I mean cause, you are already inside so, good thing there was no one in that hallway I guess?

All that aside, the best part of this movie happens from when the dude says to get the blades out.

The sword battles and one on one match ups are phenomenal. Personally, I am kind of sick of martial arts action that relies on wires and shaky camera editing to make things look cool, rather than just letting the camera stay back and allowing us to see human skill. This movie absolutely does not make that mistake. The fighting is great, the action is framed well for the most part and there are cool moves from both good and bad guys. There’s a little touch of special effects given to the Aswang to make them seem other than human but it in no way takes away from the fight scenes. And from my point of view, since most of the movie is an extended fight scene, that makes this movie worth a watch.

The match up between Gabriela and Maya was particularly enjoyable to me. You can tell how carefully these fight scenes were choreographed and that the actors are skilled martial artists in their own right.

The end gets a little messy again with a surprise betrayal and some characters that we weren’t all that attached to losing fights and it becomes a bit confusing. The very end leaves us on a cliff hanger setting up for a sequel. For my part I hope that Soberano and crew do more films together. I just hope that next time he keeps the action fast but slows down on the set up. I would like to see less exposition and more character growth. But the same amount of kicks in the face. Actually, more kicks in the face. I can always use more kicks in the face. Wait, that sounded wrong. Anyway, yeah Soberano is talented and should make more independent films and I hope he will. I’ll be there for the action, just maybe not entirely for the story.

Blood Hunters Rise of the Hybrids will be streaming on March 17th (Amazon, Vimeo on Demand, FlixFling, Vudu, FANDANGO)

Face Kickingly yours,

Slick Dungeon