Hello out there internet people. Slick Dungeon here to tell you about why a made for television movie is not worth watching. Bet you never would have guessed that right?
Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her father forty-one.
We’ve all probably heard that rhyme a few times in our lives. Likely while someone was skipping rope. And if the film version starring Christina Ricci had its way, that would pretty much sum up the whole story. Except for the fact that there were eleven axe wounds inflicted on the father and around 17 on the mother. Pretty much the rest of the film just wants to scream guilty at Lizzie.
Ricci’s portrayal is almost downright maniacal and I don’t see how any jury would have found her not guilty acting the way she was in the film. In reality I am sure it was a lot more of a gray area.
The film goes into gory detail pretty quickly but doesn’t cast much doubt as to who murdered Lizzie’s parents. Lizzie has an older sister who in the movie lies to protect her, even though that made no sense at all. The acting is not good in this and the story is so black and white it feels like it is cut out of a newspaper from the time period. But all of that said, you know what freaking kills this movie to death? THE SOUNDTRACK!!
They stupidly decided to go with modern popish music with depressing and disorienting undertones that in no way work. As annoyed as I was by forcing my eyes to view this, it’s my ears that were truly offended.
There is no way to concentrate on the images and drama happening in this movie while listening to the soundtrack.
This is a story that has been told over and over in a variety of formats. I don’t know if Lizzie is guilty or not and I doubt anyone will ever know for sure but this movie doesn’t add anything to the story in any way.
So what were the film makers thinking? I think I have their thought process below.
Hey what’s that song my kid is singing, is that real?
It is, I should look it up on wikepedia.
Holy moly, it’s a real murder.
I bet I can make a movie about a famous murder.
I’m gonna write it right now, but you know pretty much as the papers had it.
Now I am going to cast it. I bet I can get a big star, Christina Ricci is available right?
Okay, watching the dailies.
Wait, will the audience understand that this murder-y acting character is a murderer? Not sure, let me add some more obvious information. And let’s make sure to show her holding an ax. A lot.
Hey I wonder if there are any other possible explanations for this murder? Possibly, according to the papers of the time. I am going to make sure to just gloss over those. Wouldn’t want to make it not obvious because the audience would be too dumb to grasp it.
You know, I don’t think Lizzie looks guilty enough, let’s have her look like a crazy evil person at the camera. Maybe they will get it now?
Okay, almost done, time to add a soundtrack that will give the proper mood, make some mystery and turn this into a great film. Wait, let’s just add pop music.
This is gonna be huge, We’re going to release this to theaters and take our bags of money based on the gory details of this famous murder!
Oh, made for TV movie instead? Sure, why not.
The moral of the story here is, if you want to make a movie about a rhyme that relates to a murder, you still need to make a good movie. The rhyme can’t do it all.
My next film reviews will be in Christmas mode, so get ready for some festive joy when I count down the 12 days of terrible Christmas movies.
It’s November and around here at Slick Dungeon’s Dusty Tomes and Terrible Films that means turkey. And boy do I have a turkey of a movie for you.
Kevin Smith is a witty and gifted film director. He has made some brilliant films that touch upon and reflect current attitudes among working people, that say important things about relationships, and usually at their heart are about friends overcoming adversity, even if that adversity is as simple as struggling through a typical work day in a boring job. Yoga Hosers accomplishes none of that.
Yoga Hosers is a spin off of the Kevin Smith project Tusk. Full disclosure I have not watched Tusk so I can’t really evaluate how this fits with that. I can tell you that Yoga Hosers is a terrible, terrible film. It lacks any charm and although there is some humor there, most of it veers off into the insanely inept.
Now, I actually like a lot of Kevin Smith films, especially his work from the nineties, including Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy. While all of those had their issues, not one of them came even close to being as much of a waste of time as Yoga Hosers.
I am going to attempt to summarize Yoga Hosers but it’s difficult to make this make sense.
There are two fifteen year old girls, both named Colleen. They work at a convenience store called the Eh-to-Zed in Canada. They are both in high school. That’s about where the plot stops making sense. These girls spend a day rocking out at their store, after which a customer is mysteriously killed. The only thing we know is that whatever killed that customer is small and crawled up his, er, you know, where the sun don’t shine.
The Colleens are unaware of this and go on their day to school, doing some yoga at a strip mall yoga place called Yogi Bayer’s, and generally doing a bunch of instagram posting or whatever.
The Colleens are asked to a party by a couple of High School Seniors. This is thrilling but the Colleens get stuck having to work and are unable to attend. So one of the Colleens calls the boy she likes and suggests they bring the party to the convenience store. Problem solved.
Only there are more problems and here’s where it gets weird. First, the two boys who come over to the convenience store try to kill the Colleen’s because they are “Really into Satan.” The Colleens are able to defend themselves with Yoga poses they learned from Yogi Bayer. Then those two boys die because more, uh, small things (I promise I will reveal what they are and you are going to think it is stupid) crawl up their respective rear ends. The Colleens are safe but now are arrested for murder. But before that happens, the Colleens are attacked by what I can only describe as, bratwurst dressed as Canadian mounties yelling in German. Yeah, you read that right.
Earlier in the film, when the Colleens (aka the Yoga Hosers) were in school they learned about a Canadian Nazi who wanted to control Canda by sending people to the Hudson river.
Also earlier in the school day this dude who wrote some book that I think must relate to something that happened in Tusk came in and interviewed the Colleens. He’s seen something supernatural before so when these bratwurst attack he has no problem believing the Colleens and springing them out of jail. But they don’t have their phones.
They go back to the convenience store in order to get changed and they discover a secret passageway. The passageway leads to this huge room which is where the Canadian Nazis were doing experiments including cryogenic freezing and cloning. So, remember those small things that were killing people? Yeah it was the bratwurst. For the rest of the film they are called Bratzis. Turns out that one of the Canadian Nazis was frozen and then made bratwurst clones to do his bidding. He spent a lot of time on Netflix to acclimate himself to current culture and now, he doesn’t exactly want to be a Nazi but more of an artist. He’s created a sculpture out of, uh, human flesh and a hockey mask. This thing can be piloted by the Bratzis. The Nazi guy wants the Colleens to take a picture of him so he can be in Them magazine and be famous. They can’t because they don’t have their phones. So instead, the Nazi orders this weird sculpture to kill all the art critics in Canada. The Colleens are able to defend themselves and stop the thing once again using Yoga. The Bratzis are stopped, the Nazi dies, the book author gets to write a new book and the Colleens are still stuck in their boring old jobs and still in High School. But they do get to sing a rendition of O Canada to take us into the credits. Also at the very end of the credits we hear the sound clip of Kevin Smith on his podcast where he first heard the term yoga hosers.
That may or may not be the weirdest film summary I have ever written but it’s right up there with one of the weirdest films I have ever seen. There are a very few funny things in this film and I am going to point them out.
Justin Long plays an awesome militant yogi and I found myself wanting to see him in way more scenes.
Jason Mewes has a cameo because, well of course he does.
Harley Quinn Smith (Kevin’s daughter) yelling I’m not even supposed to be here today was a great modern nod to Clerks and I am totally here for that.
And that’s everything good in this, period. Honestly, there was a lot in this that I straight up couldn’t figure out and it was pretty jarring. It was random and weird but not in a good way. At least Kevin has a lot of other good films going for him and those I can get on board with.
Next week I will be watching #realityhigh I bet it #reallysucks.
Hello out there on the surface world! Slick Dungeon here. I hope everyone had a great Halloween last week and no one got their faces melted by a mask with a shamrock on it. Now that the glorious month of horror is over, I am back to watching any bad movie and reading any bad book out there. For my movie review this week, I watched Barely Lethal.
I kept hearing about this movie, people telling me how bad it was and that I definitely needed to watch it. I stayed away from it for a long because, well, that title just kind of grosses me out. Worst pun for a film ever. Seriously. Title aside though, was this a terrible film?
I’m sure you could have guessed this film was stupid. What I was not aware of was that it starred Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Alba and Sophie Turner.
Before I get into the plot of this dud, Let’s think about those stars for a minute. That means Nick Fury, Sue Storm and Jean Grey all teamed up to be in a film about girls being raised to be lethally effective assassins for the government. How is this not the Black Widow movie? Really, I don’t get it.
You know what else I don’t get? Why this movie exists.
The idea of the plot is not actually that bad. A young orphan girl is trained by a government agency to be a killer but what she really wants is to have a normal life and experience high school. Sure, okay, given the right writing and acting I could buy into this.
Instead we get a montage of little kids fighting and Sam Jackson just yelling at them. They do stuff like knife skills, car chases and sparring. For the car chase a kid gets out of the car and there is literally no way she could have seen over the dash so I have no idea how she was driving.
Samuel L. Jackson spends the movie pretty much being Nick Fury but without the eye patch. He wants to hunt down Jessica Alba’s character because, uh, bad guy I guess? And Sophie Turner spends her portion of the movie as a jealous and angry rival for Megan.
During a mission to capture Jessica Alba, Megan fakes her own death and goes to live with a family as a high school exchange student. Megan did her research by watching all the nineties teen movies and seems to think that is extensive research, despite the fact that there is YouTube, Twitter and plain old Google that would give her a more modern take.
This movie then spends the next third trying to flip the old high school movie tropes on their heads. The cheerleaders are actually nice. The popular guy does like Megan right away. Of course the one they don’t change is the sort of nerdy guy in the friend zone being the right match for Megan.
Inevitably Nick Fury gets wind of where Megan is and tells her that she has to wrap up loose ends and come back to the secret compound. Megan is not cool with that because – homecoming. Yeah, it’s always a prom or a homecoming dance in these teen romances. I will say that the homecoming dance part was improved with a kung-fu fight between Megan and Sophie Turner. Also, as a side note, if you are wondering why the only character I am referring to as their character name is Megan, it’s because none of the rest of the characters were worth remembering.
The film goes on, Megan bonds with her family, she defeats her enemy, captures the bad guy, goes to homecoming, loses her date, gets her date and is allowed to live a normal life. Yay!
There are a few things that stood out to me in this film.
Dan Fogler plays a seriously disturbingly lecherous teacher towards the popular kid, Cash in this film. It was as cringe-worthy as the title and I can’t stop thinking of how gross it was because, Dan Fogler is not a minor and the popular kid, was a minor. Really gross man. Please just stick to The Walking Dead, okay Dan?
To be honest there are a few good lines in this movie but the rest was so bad, I can’t even remember them anymore.
The kid who plays the little brother in the exchange student family, was kind of awesome playing around with all of Megan’s deadly toys.
I also liked the turn around of the drunk goofus named Gooch who turns out to be a kind and sensitive guy by the end of the film.
There was a stinger at the end of the film that would imply there could be sequels to this.
Please God no.
If you want maybe the worst every double feature of people poorly portraying lethal agents, pair this one with Undercover Grandpa. They are both on Netflix so if you need to Netflix and chill, emphasis on chill, it’s a great match up.
Next week I am going to take on one of my favorite directors who just happens to have made a really bad film. Yoga Hosers watch out!
You’ve made two smash hit horror thrillers for dirt cheap money and made a fortune. These films feature an extremely relentless killer that infuses true horror on the screen. Also, these films feature a scream queen who sells the horror with every reaction she makes. What on earth should you do next? Should you make another film with those two characters? You know the ones everyone wants to see more of? Naaaaaaaaah. Who wants to do that? Instead make a film where the villains are, oddly silent androids, Stonehenge, a digital pumpkin and Halloween masks with shamrocks on them. Sold!
Happy Halloween everyone! I will say it’s just as dark here in my dungeon on Halloween as it is on any other day. Slick Dungeon back with a doozy of a bad film for ya.
I love Halloween and the Halloween film franchise is one of my favorites to dive into on this day. But you know what? They have a few stinkers in this series. For my money though, the worst of them is the one that has the least to do with the rest of them. Halloween III was almost never made because John Carpenter and Deborah Hill were tired of the films after making two of them. The only thing that really sold them on it was that this film would not star the original characters and they would be producing without too much more involvement than that.
The idea was to make this franchise into a sort of anthology series always centered around the day of Halloween. This might have made sense if they had made this film before making Halloween II but it was a bit weird for audiences to go expecting to see horror and watching this sort of science fiction, witchcraft mashup that had nothing to do with the first two films.
I think no one really went back to the idea of a good ol’ horror anthology series until the television show American Horror Story came around and pretty much did it brilliantly (not counting the season with the witches – coincidence?)
Anyway, this film stars a random doctor named Dan Challis who is disturbed by a death he witnesses outside of the hospital he works at. See there are these seriously not scary looking guys, wearing suits, who seem to be strong enough to rip heads off people’s bodies, jab their fingers deep into eye sockets and just generally look kind of menacing. Although, I guess a lot of the time, there is nothing more menacing than some old white guy in a suit, tbh. But not in fiction.
Dr. Dan, is divorced and has a couple of kids and all they want is these masks made by a particular mask company. The Shamrock novelty company masks have become all the rage, despite not looking like Mike Myers at all.
Strange things are happening though as at least one dude has been murdered while holding one of these masks. Then the guy who did the murdering went out of the hospital, sat in a car, poured gasoline all over himself and lit a match. Dr. Dan was troubled by that, especially because, the guy holding the mask told him that, “They’re gonna kill us all.”
Well, Dr. Dan being a single guy in search of a sexual harassment lawsuit, flirts around with the nurses a bit and with one of the assistants at the morgue. So naturally when the daughter of the guy who had the mask in his hand when he died shows up, Dr. Dan is all in for trying to figure out what is going on.
Ellie, the daughter, and Dan go to a small town called Santa Mira. Yes, Saint Look for anyone who is translating. So this town is famous for producing toys and novelties. The Shamrock novelty company runs the place and they have their biggest success yet with these Halloween masks. Why? They’ve been airing a relentlessly annoying but admittedly catchy Halloween commercial to try to get kids to buy these suckers. And it has worked big time. For some reason, this year, all the kids in California want one of only three masks, a pumpkin, a skeleton or a witch. No other Halloween creativity allowed! No princesses or vampires or pair of twins dressed as Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee or anything. Kids only want 3 masks and no other costumes for Halloween, this is proven scientific research!
Anyway, Ellie and Dan are there because basically a series of clues tells them that Ellie’s father was last spotted in this town. Not only that but he has sold some of these masks and should have had a supply in his car but his car seems to be missing.
Right away after the good Doc and Ellie get to town, the owner of the Shamrock Novelty company shows up and acts seriously suspicious. I mean we all know he’s the bad guy right? Spoiler he is.
Most of the folks in Santa Mira (St. Look) are employed by this guy, enamored of him, or deathly afraid of him. At night a bum who spoke with Dan for a few minutes gets his head straight up ripped off his neck because he said bad things about ol’ Mr. Cochran.
There’s another family visiting who sold a bunch of these masks and is super excited to see this factory. Well, Dan and Ellie don’t want to look suspicious so they say that they are married. This gives them a great excuse to hook up in the hotel room later. Despite being warned that people are watching and listening everywhere, Dan makes a phone call to the morgue worker from earlier and finds out that in the car fire, there have been no human remains found which is pretty odd.
This Cochran guy gives everyone a tour of his creepy factory, which is waaaaay less creepy than the Willie Wonka Chocolate Factory tour and incidentally has fewer deaths than ol’ Willie served up.
Still, Cochran captures Dan as well as Ellie, but I guess Cochran is kinda sexist because he takes Ellie away and gives Dan the grand tour. Dan gets to see a big room with, uh, Stonehenge? (Checks notes: yes Stonehenge.) Stonehenge in it. Plus a whole bunch of computers. Dan is in for a demonstration! Lucky guy. He watches as the kid from that overly excited family puts on his mask, watches another of those annoying commercials and then the kid’s face melts and he turns into snakes, spiders and other creepy crawly things. Yeah, I don’t know how that works either.
That whole family gets toasted but Cochran is not the kind of guy to follow through with stuff, so he lets Dan live for, reasons. After he explains that he imported Stonehenge (Checks notes: yes still Stonehenge) to a small town in California without anyone noticing and that he is going to kill all the kids because, “The planets are in alignment.” Yeah, good a reason as any I guess?
Of course, Dan gets free, gets Ellie, breaks out of this factory after messing up a bunch of the computers that do, uh stuff. Oh, and figures out that those dudes in suits are robots. (Checks notes: yes robots) Robots that are definitely not programmed with the three laws of robotics. Dan puts it together that he has got to stop this commercial from airing or there’s gonna be a lot less kids and a lot more spiders and stuff because, Cochran is doing, uh, witchcraft. I guess that’s why this is the “season of the witch”?
But we’re all waiting for the twist here because ever since Dan got Ellie back she has not said a word. Instead she waits until he is driving and then tries to kill him. She’s a robot now! Or there is a robot that looks like her now? Or there is a witchcraft powered robot of her now? Err, Ellie is bad now, but not smart enough to kill Dan before he got in the car when he could cause a crash and stop her.
Dan does manage to get to a phone (see how useful cell phones can be?) and dials the networks to try to get them to stop this commercial from airing. If they get to the last screen of the digital pumpkin, we are all doomed because, uh, Stonehenge, robots, witchcraft, computers, and digital pumpkins. (Checks notes: yes, Stonehenge, robots witchcraft, computers, and digital pumpkins) For the first two channels, the commercials go off the air but the third station (imagine only three freaking television stations! What would we all do with our time?!) is slow to act and we see the last bit of the digital pumpkin…
I assume all kids in California are snakes and spiders now. Or maybe Stonehenge witchcraft robots. Whatever, this Halloween some jerk will probably just put a full sized candy bar on top of their inflatable Minions costume anyway so it’s all the same right?
A couple things baffle me about this film that I want to point out.
Why would this guy need to freaking move Stonehenge for his stuff to work? Also, if the planets are aligning for this, doesn’t Stonehenge need to be in the right place for it to work?
Like I said before, why would kids only want 3 kinds of masks for Halloween. No chance man. Kids are much more creative than that.
These androids have been going around killing people for months and no one has noticed until a week before Halloween? Really?
Dr. Dan seems to be a terrible husband, doctor, and father. Do we have to like this guy? I guess so because he doesn’t want all the dead kids and a bunch of other people are cool with that.
In this movie there are some indications that Halloween is fiction. We see a commercial for it, and there’s a mask in the background. So uh, what exact place is this? Is this real? Let me check and see if Stonehenge is still there or not.
It’s still there, we’re good.
Also, and I cannot stress this enough, bring back Michael Myers and Laurie Strode!!!!!
Oh, wait, okay, Halloween III: Season of the Witch did poorly at the box office and John Carpenter and Debra Hill want more money? Phew, we’re good.
In conclusion, Happy Halloween everyone. Stay safe out there. Avoid all masks with Shamrock logos on them, all old white guys in suits who seem like androids, all old guy factory owners who talk about,”Planets in alignment”, and all annoying commercials ending with digital pumpkins.
Next week I will be back with another bad movie review that has nothing to do with horror at all. Barely Lethal here I come!
What’s up party people? Err, actually what’s up people reading my blog quietly to yourselves. It’s Slick Dungeon back with a review for an exceptionally stupid movie, Leprechaun 5: In the Hood.
I can hear the protests now. Why would I review a movie about a leprechaun in the middle of the month of October? Shouldn’t I have saved this for St. Patrick’s Day? To this I answer, much like the underprivileged neighborhoods depicted in this film, leprechauns just don’t get enough screen time as a general rule. I’m here to correct that. Leprechauns can be terrifying. But not this one.
This isn’t supposed to be terrifying anyway. No, this is a nonfictional film that is an excellent instructional video on how to have a hip-hop music career. Follow these instructions and you too can be just like Postmaster P. and launch a big rap career in Las Vegas. It gets a little complicated though, so pay close attention here.
Step 1: Let Ice-T (aka Mac Daddy) and a buddy go on a quest somewhere and find a statue of a leprechaun wearing a gold chain. Next to the leprechaun is a pot of gold containing many treasures and in particular a tiny golden flute.
Step 2: Let Ice-T do some of his most astounding acting work and obtain the pipe, and then watch his buddy die but somehow accidentally put the magic gold chain that was on the leprechaun back on him, thus freezing him in place.
Step 3: Make sure Mac Daddy is dumb enough to not only take the pipe but also the leprechaun with him to display in a glass case at his house where everyone can see it.
Step 4: Form a rap group where you are trying to break through in Compton and make sure that you want to deliver “positive messages”, thus explaining the P in your moniker Postmaster P. Harp on being “positive” throughout the film despite the fact that only one rap song you do doesn’t involve guns or killing or degrading women and/or Jesus.
Step 5: Randomly bump into Mac Daddy in the neighborhood, give him a demo tape, go to his home, see his treasure and the leprechaun that is on display in a glass case. Get rejected because you want to stay positive.
Step 6: Definitely break into Mac Daddy’s house, knowing he has a tendency towards violence. When he comes home before you finish stealing from him, be sure to shoot him. Also make sure you break the glass case with the leprechaun in it and remove the gold chain. This will revive the leprechaun. I cannot stress to you how important this step is to your music career. You must free an evil leprechaun or no record deal for sure.
Step 7: Make sure your bullet only hit the leprechaun gold chain that Mac Daddy wears, thus saving his life. You will need him later.
Step 8: Go on the run, hiding in homes in your own neighborhood, so that you can make sure to show up for the local rap competition so that you can go to Las Vegas. Mac Daddy is definitely not going to figure out that you would show up at the local rap competition even though you gave him a demo tape of rap music.
Step 9: While on the run, be sure to do an impromptu rap show. When you do the rap show, blow on the little golden flute. And now, this is important and you must listen here. When you blow on the flute, do not move your fingers or cover the holes at all like any rational flute player would do. Just hold it to your mouth and look towards the camera as if you knew there would be dubbed flute music and no one will notice that even though the notes are changing you are not doing anything whatsoever to make actual flute music happen.
Step 10: Get a big crowd at this show because everyone was hypnotized with the flute.
Step 11: Let your host/hostess/drag queen get murdered by the leprechaun
Step 12: Run away from the leprechaun.
Step 13: Go to a church? (Checks notes) yes, go to a church. The preacher will ask you to perform a church song, knowing full well that you are a hip-hop act and not a gospel act. Start by singing a terrible song. Then play the pipe by holding it still again without any finger work and get everyone to love your terrible song.
Step 14: Run around town again for a bit, run into Mac Daddy and the leprechaun here or there. Let one of your buddies get killed by the leprechaun in an off screen sort of way. Prior to this the leprechaun will have killed random people you interacted with for no apparent reason and also pretty much off screen.
Step 15: After all this carnage, realize that you just gotta have this flute to make it big, your talent is not enough.
Step 16: Go to the rap competition, use the flute. But no finger work on the flute. Get noticed by a record label executive who want to send you to Las Vegas but doesn’t give you any information other than to show up at the airport. Trust that this guy is telling the truth. Let some girls in for an after party. Realize that the girls have become hypnotized by the leprechaun and run out the place.
Step 17: Realize the leprechaun is not going to give up and kind of has a tendency to not only speak in limericks but get kind of murder-y to people around you. Have your buddy read Leprechauns for Dummies.
Step 18: Your buddy will get the idea to give the leprechaun some weed with crushed up four leaf clovers in it. Definitely don’t see your friend find the clovers and just trust that he somehow got them. These clovers, if smoked by the leprechaun will temporarily take away his powers so you can, um I guess get on a flight to Las Vegas?
Step 19: Decide that the best way to deliver the lethal clovers is to cross dress to get close to the leprechaun. Then, give it to him, watch him pass out, see that Mac Daddy is still back and still wants that flute he stole, Let your buddy get killed. Shoot Mac Daddy several times. Be there long enough so that the leprechaun comes out of his weakened state. Let Mac Daddy get back up even though he has been shot full of more holes than Swiss cheese. Let Mac Daddy try to stop the leprechaun with that bullet stopping gold chain. When Mac Daddy dies the chain will somehow fly way up in the air, despite the fact it was held at a low angle to the ground when he was killed.
Step 20: Make sure that the chain didn’t land on the leprechaun because now you and he are rockin’ it hip-hop fashion in Vegas together. That’s right, you and the leprechaun are now homies. Sorry, it’s gotta be that way or you can’t have three women in gold dresses as your backup singers and dancers. Plus let the leprechaun come out with his own rhymes, claiming himself to the be “the true O.G”
There you have it. Instant fame, fortune and success in twenty steps. You’re welcome.
Next week is the week of Halloween so I will be reviewing everyone’s favorite (least favorite?) so bad it’s good, Halloween film Halloween III. You know the one that doesn’t have Luarie Strode or Michael Meyers. Great decision guys….
Hey out there to all you clowns not trapped in a dungeon watching terrible films! It’s Slick Dungeon here and I’m back with another very odd film review.
I get a lot of people asking me for particular types of movies. What film has the most innovative camerawork of all time? I would say, Touch of Evil or Rope or maybe even Inception. What film has the best space battle sequence of all time? Anything Star Wars. What might be the greatest film of all time? Again Star Wars but in serious contention would be Citizen Kane and Casablanca.
But Slick, what film has a resurrected clown scooping out someone’s brains with an ice cream scoop while a whole house party is singing (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight?
Can’t tell you how often I get asked that but if I had a penny for every time I was asked it, I would have a number of pennies. At any rate, the answer is Stitches.
This film is out and out bonkers, no two ways about it. I guess I could see how it might be kind of scary if you really were truly afraid of clowns. The film has about the only real excuse I have seen for having coulrophobia.
The main character, Tommy, is having his seventh birthday party. It’s pretty obvious from a quick look around at these kids that they are a bunch of messed up jerks, possibly Tommy excluded.
Stitches is a clown and from the first scene where he is smoking and engaged in uh… adult activities with a woman, it’s pretty clear he’s not a very good clown.
Stitches arrives to Tommy’s party and starts into his routine. The kids give him hell for it and Stitches is only half giving it a go anyway. It’s clear no one wants to be there. Well, needless to say, Stitches ends up falling onto a knife sticking up in an open dishwasher, which goes straight through his eye. He is somehow able to stand up, knife in his head and all, he pulls the thing out in front of Tommy and blood gushes all over the kid. Then Stitches tries to stab Tommy but because some of Tommy’s jerk friends had tied Stitches shoelaces together, the clown slips. Once the clown lands the knife flails through the air and lands exactly where it started, in Stitches eye.
I can’t tell you how many parties I have been to where that exact thing happened. Okay, to be fair, I won’t tell you. Also, who in their freaking right mind would ever put a knife into a dishwasher BLADE UP?! This whole movie is about Stitches coming after these kids six years later, but I have to wonder why he didn’t want to off Tommy’s mom. What kind of stupid idea was that?
Okay sorry, back to the summary. Right after the clown is buried in a graveyard that is conveniently close to Tommy’s house. Tommy can’t resist checking in on ol’ Stitches and he finds an evil cult of clowns performing a ritual. The head evil clown tells Tommy that a clown can never rest if he doesn’t finish his act and that the jokes are never as funny the second time round.
Fact check: True.
Tommy also finds out that there is an egg painted like Stitches’ make up.
Fast forward six years and Tommy is on major meds, has plenty of hallucinations and by the way all those kids who were at the party are also screwed up in one way or another.
Tommy’s mom is away for his birthday and so he decides to have a few friends over for the first time since that last party. It turns into your typical teenage party. I’ve seen enough horror films to know that being a teenager and going to a party just means tons of people are going to end up dead. We all see this coming right?
Yeah so Stitches is magically resurrected and goes through killing most of the kids in ways that they might have deserved if they hadn’t been, you know, little kids, at the time of the first party. Tommy figures out what is going on, no one believes him, and more people die.
Eventually people do believe Tommy, especially the one girl who was nice to him at his first party, Kate. Kate and Tommy have to elude the clown, find the egg and destroy it and poof, there goes Stitches.
Lots of gore happens first, including intestines pulled, decapitations, the aforementioned ice cream scooping, and a head inflated like a balloon until it pops. You know, the usual stuff you see at most parties.
In the end, Tommy and Kate do find the egg, cause Stitches to fall on it, it cracks and yokes go everywhere, then Stitches dies again.
You know what bugged me most about this whole entire movie? Like the one thing where I was like, no freaking way? The egg, when Stitches falls on it breaks as if it was just taken out of the refrigerator. Even if Stitches had made this egg on the day of Tommy’s party that would be six years ago. Why wouldn’t they have hard boiled it?! That makes no sense at all! But anyway it kills Stitches and Tommy and at leas two of his friends are safe.
Or are they? We get to see that cult clown gluing Stitches egg shells back together, so I guess sequel is coming?
Forget Rotten Tomatoes, this one was a rotten egg. I’ll spare you all my egg puns.
Stitches was a very bad clown and a worse movie but if you want to see some weird clown related gore, this is your go to film.
The only way to top a killer clown is a killer leprechaun. Next week I will be back to review the fifth film in the Leprecchaun 5: In the Hood. The title alone tells me this will be some amazing film making.
Well hello out there internet people, it’s Slick Dungeon coming to you from deep underground. I’m here in my dungeon and I am stuck watching some really strange stuff. This week I watched the eighties classic Chopping Mall.
First off, if you are one of those folks who was born well after the 1980’s and you decide to have an 80’s party, stop with all the day glow neon and headbands and stuff. Educate yourselves by watching movies like Chopping Mall, where the filmmakers were on a tight budget and I am pretty sure wardrobe was bring your own clothes with you. The fashion is still bad and it’s a lot more accurate. So many mullets and feathered hairdos I lost count!
Anyway, I think I was supposed to review this thing right? Yeah, okay so I thought based on the title that this was going to about a serial killer who hung out in a mall and chopped people up. Nope! This is about killer robots that go bad and shoot lasers, electrocute and strangle people. There was, and I mean this literally, no chopping, in Chopping Mall. Not one person that died was chopped.
Still, this movie is so awkward it’s kind of awesome. For those of you not acquainted with it, the film takes place in a mall. Well, duh. A group of friends decide to have a party in the mall after hours where they drink, have sex and dance to some heavily synthecized eighties music. I guess no one’s house was available? Anyway the film tries to blur the line and make sure you know these are adults while still sort of implying they have curfews as if they were teenagers.
Anyway, these people having their party did not count on a lightning storm happening outside. Because you know what happens when there is a lightning storm? You got it, it hits the mainframe computer and normal robots go crazy. Just ask Short Circuit. But in this case, instead of a military robot turning nice, these brand new security robots turn into lethal death machines. There are only three of them because, budget.
The party people get locked in with these rolling bots and have to fight for their lives. The first couple are taken down in no time at all because, they don’t realize the robots have gone bad. Why the heck the rest of them keep splitting up is totally beyond me. Never split the party!
The guys gear up with all kinds of guns that can only be found in and American mall and the girls try sneaking around in the air ducts. The air ducts seemed like the best choice to me because it leads to the parking lot but the girls don’t stay there because it gets hot and claustrophobic. The boys, meanwhile find the first of the robots. Right before that one of the guys says the best line in the whole film, “Let’s send these f—–s a Rambo-gram!” Rambo-gram, I like it. I think I will use it for my social media platform idea of bringing over-steroided actors together with survivors of killer robot incidents. Watch out Mark Zuckerberg, Slick’s on the loose!
Despite the fact that no mall would have loaded and filled propane tanks, the guys set one out in front of the robot and blast it away. Explosion ensues and the robot seemingly dies. Until it gets up like we all knew it would. But that doesn’t happen for a few scenes.
One by one these people make the dumbest mistakes. Like not getting out of the way when a robot is in front of them. Or not sticking obstacles in front of the robots since they only kind of roll around. These robots would be toast anywhere with stairs but lucky for them — escalators.
They also use mannequins as decoys but then stand to the side of the mannequins to shoot. What a bunch of morons!
They figure out that maybe they should shut down the main computer and try to make their way to the third level. They basically get picked off one by one trying to do that.
At one point a guy shoots a robot eight times with a six shot revolver without ever reloading. Another time, a woman hangs off the side of a balcony and her hands move to different rungs without her ever actually moving herself up or down. Also, none of the bullets ever pierce a propane tank but they all explode when shot at.
Long story short they mostly die but do manage to take down the robots. The only ones who live in the end are the two people who never wanted to go to the party in the first place. To which I say, that’s why I don’t go to parties!!!
The two that live will seemingly have a nice long life but boy are they going to have to explain a lot to the police when they show up.
A few things about this film before I go though.
Who in their right minds thinks it’s a good idea to have doors that lock down a mall with no possible way of unlocking it for an entire night? That has to be a fire code violation right?
Did you know this mall is the same one used in the Arnold Schwarzeneggar cheesefest that is Commando? Well, now you do.
Every time the robots kill someone they say, “Thank you and have a nice day.” I hate it when people say that to me on a normal day, but after you kill me? Forget it!
The most awesome part of this whole movie is that the pet store is named Roger’s Little Shop of Pets. This is a callback to Roger Corman’s TheLittle Shop of Horrors. This is relevant because Chopping Mall was produced by Corman’s wife Julie. Don’t get confused here, The Little Shop of Horrors is not the musical Little Shop of Horrors. It’s the film the musical was based on!
I had to wonder if the people who designed the killer robots for Robocop watched Chopping Mall and thought, those treads on those robots look totally stupid, let’s give ours legs that will fall over easily!
Finally, and I mean this most sincerely of all, who thinks it’s a good idea to have a party in a mall?!?!?!?!? Seriously man, what the heck?
I’ll be back next week to review a film about a killer clown. No not that one. No not that one either, those were aliens not clowns. Yeah, you got it, Stitches!
Last week Bill Maher proved himself to be a giant blowhole when he encouraged the public shaming of people who happen to be overweight. Now, you might call that a lapse in judgement or an opinion that might need revising upon further consideration. You might say, that a person might reasonably make the statements Bill Maher made and think that he makes some good points about health and that what is really needed is his attitude to adjust because Bill is a smart guy. But if you think that, I encourage you to take a minute and look at his entire career. Because no matter what you think of what Bill said last week, only a completely moronic person would intentionally choose to star in Cannibal Women in the Avocado of Death. And that is exactly what Bill Maher chose to do.
I suspect that you can tell from the title that this film sucks. Yet, if you were not sure, let’s add in the fact that the big co-star of this film was Shannon Tweed. If you don’t know who that is you are probably not in the KISS army. Shannon is married to Gene Simmons of KISS. From that you can probably tell that her judgement is not the best. Even with these stars who were around the Z list at the time, the movie would have gotten no better if we had Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan playing the respective leads.
I tortured my own eyes for ninety minutes of this thing and I will never get that time back. The, I don’t know if you can call it one, plot of this film is so stupid that I find it hard to summarize here but I am gonna give it a shot.
We start off with two guys walking around what can only be described as a forest not a jungle. They seem to be lost until they find an avocado on a string. One guy goes to grab it, at which point there is unnecessary nudity and a bunch of women wearing bikinis shoot arrows at the guy and then promptly tie up the second guy who is too stupid to even run away.
Next we find out there is an avocado shortage in the United States of America and the military must do something about it. What can they do? Well, there is an avocado jungle in the middle of most of California. We know this from a map that a military guy shows. We can tell it is a jungle because it is made of straight green lines and says Avocado Jungle on it. This guy is talking to Shannon Tweed aka Dr. Margo Hunt. See, she is a prominent ethnographer and professor of feminist studies at some university. The problem with this jungle is that in the jungle there are cannibal feminist women there. The military threw tons of resources at taking the jungle, including heavy weaponry, tanks etc. The problem was that the women fought back with sticks and spears and the modern military had no idea how to deal with that. The proof? At the edge of the jungle they found dog tags covered in… guacamole. Have I mentioned this is supposed to be a comedy, I think? Anyway none of the jokes ever land in this thing.
So naturally the military think that maybe it takes a feminist to catch a feminist. They let Dr. Hunt know that another famous feminist has gone missing after attempting to go into this jungle. This convinces Dr. Hunt to not only go into the jungle but also to take one of her students, Bunny. Bunny is a home economics major considering becoming a feminist. She can’t seem to decide between wanting to have a husband and bake or becoming the first female president of the United States.
Off they go, after a really dumb visual joke implying that women can’t drive. What’s the joke? The line on the map heading toward the jungle circles in ridiculous directions. They finally end up in San Bernadino which is apparently the last stop of civilization before this jungle. Err… I have driven all the way to San Diego before and you know what? THERE. IS. NO. JUNGLE. THERE. I know, I should calm down, this is just a joke but oh my God this movie is stupid.
As if that was not dumb enough, Dr. Hunt and Bunny decide to stop in a bar and look for a guide to take them deep into the jungle. A Rambo type, a ninja and a pro-wrestler offer services until they find out where Dr. Hunt wants to go. Then they all chicken out. What Dr. Hunt really needs is a man’s man. Who is that? Bill Maher. Yeah. No kidding. This is the guy this film chooses to portray the most stereotypical aspects of masculinity. Bill freaking Maher. That is only one of the billion reasons this movie is so stupid.
Anyway, of course Bill aka Jim goes because Dr, Hunt and Bunny have no other options. Next we have to spend an uncomfortably long time hearing about how men should behave and how women should behave as they basically meander through dry areas of Southern California that will look familiar to anyone who has ever lived there, driven there, or seen a single movie set in Southern California.
At one point they come across a village of men who live apart from the avocado women and get along by knitting and giving these things to the avocado women so they won’t get eaten by the feminists. Yeah, I am not making this crap up.
So Bill Maher being the prototypical male that he is, digs out a whole bunch of beer and teaches these guys “how to be men”. “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.” – Homer Simpson, poet and philosopher.
Next thing you know these guys are catcalling Bunny and asking if she wants to ride in their corvettes. In my humble opinion, Jim wasn’t teaching guys how to be men. He was teaching them to be jerkwads who should just shut up.
Finally we come across the cannibal women and their temple. You know what their temple looks like? Exactly what I would imagine the back side of the building used for the university looked like. And yeah, we all saw this coming, the feminist who was missing is now the leader of the avocado women. Why? From what I can understand, she didn’t want to go on David Letterman anymore. Yeah, that was the joke. No, it wasn’t funny at all. Not even like dad joke funny, these jokes were just stupid.
These women immediately want to cook Jim and Bunny wants to join the avocado women because they get to wear cute outfits. Just to mention, these outfits are completely impractical bikinis, that sort of resemble jungle leaves that you would not find in a forest which is where this is filmed.
Bunny can’t kill Jim because she is in love with him. Dr. Hunt escapes and finds a rival group of cannibal women who hate the avocado women. Why do they hate them? They want to eat the men with clam sauce instead of guacamole. Yeah…
Dr. Hunt ends up fighting with the missing feminist, using weapons that would never have shown up in a jungle. Dr. Hunt kills her adversary but not before finding out that the military has a plan to get all the avocado women to come to Malibu (which is in the middle of where the jungle is shown on the California map if you know anything about California geography) where they will be brain washed with spa treatments and Cosmopolitan magazines. Did I mention this is supposed to be funny?
Jim, Bunny and Dr. Hunt get the avocado women to start a dialogue with their clam sauce rivals and head back to the university. Dr. Hunt threatens to expose the whole military plan on David Letterman unless she gets a grant for researching expanded opportunities for women in the military and a healthy dose of cash for her department. Meanwhile Jim and Bunny get married because, I guess someone has to kiss Bill Maher on occasion?
Ughh. I lived through watching this and now retelling it so that’s twice I have forced this thing upon myself. A couple of things before I sign off here though.
First of all, Shannon Tweed in real life is actually pretty smart. Her bad judgement in marrying Gene Simmons aside, I have no idea why she would agree to be in a film this stupid. I get why Bill Maher is here, he needed a career boost at the time. It did not age well for either of them though.
Second, never let it be said I am not an equal opportunity reviewer. James Cordon had a response to Bill Maher’s remarks and in it he mentioned how both of them have used poor judgement in their film careers. Jame’s opus of stupidity is apparently called Lesbian Vampire Killers and he says it’s every bit as bad as you think it is. Is it though? Is it? You can bet your last freaking avocado I am going to find out!
The zombie apocalypse happens in the background but at least there is smooth jazz?
Welcome back to my dungeon where the lights are dim, the smell is musty and the films generally stink.
This week I watched Life After Beth. In the beginning of the film, Beth goes hiking alone at night. This, for the record, is always one hundred percent a completely stupid idea. Don’t do this friends. Beth (Aubrey Plaza) is apparently bitten by a snake and killed. This happens off screen (like most of the interesting things in this film).
Next we see Zack (Dane Dehaan) trying to buy black napkins at a supermarket. He’s sent to the party supply store instead. In the next scene he’s clearly at the wake for Beth and it’s pretty obvious Zack was Beth’s ex and he’s pretty broken up about the whole thing. Zack spends some time bonding with Beth’s parents played by John C. Reily and Molly Shannon.
Late at night, in the background Zack thinks he sees someone running around. The next day he goes back and is sure he sees Beth. His brother comes over and tries to calm Zack down but of course, eventually he ends up in the Slocum’s (Beth’s last name) house. And surprise, there is his dead ex girlfriend looking both alive and super happy to see Zack. Unfortunately, Beth’s parents want to keep the whole thing of her death and return a secret from Beth.
Zack tries to take Beth hiking but is stopped by her dad. In the meantime, Beth is doing some weird things like, having super huge mood swings and gathering dirt to put into the attic. Most of that we don’t really see.
The movie sort of goes along like this for a while where weird things happen in the background. People who seem to have been dead or missing for a while show up in town but not quite acting like themselves.
Zack gets overly emotional with Beth and tries to serenade her on the beach. Beth freaks out and uses super human strength to destroy a lifeguard lookout tower. Zack is understandably nervous at this point and thinks that he might get eaten by his dead girlfriend. That’s a reasonable assumption in my book any given day of the week. Still, for some reason he sticks around and wants to take Beth hiking.
Beth on the other hand is only able to calm down by listening to smooth jazz or making out with Zack.
Pretty soon the whole dang town is listening to smooth jazz and only Zack and Erica Wexler (Anna Kendrick) an old family friend, seem to notice anything off. This includes when Zack accidentally full on runs Beth over and Beth gets up no problem. Do the townsfolk think that’s weird? Not at all! Totally normal except of course they are a little mad at Zack.
Beth then screams at the onlookers and finally they get scared. Uh, what? Ok but fine.
Zack decides to spill the beans to Beth and let her know that she’s dead. This does not go well and soon the whole town is filled with zombies. I never understood in watching this if Zack telling Beth about this was supposed to be the trigger to make all the zombies aggressive or what. It was implied but I was never sure.
Pretty soon Zack tries to protect his family by warning them and then is promptly knocked out by John C. Reily. He spends most of the evening of the apocalypse blacked out and we see zero of the interesting stuff.
About the only really interesting part of this whole film was the end when Zack takes Beth hiking but she has to have an oven strapped to her back to prevent her from eating Zack. Zack puts Beth out of her misery after telling her how he felt about her. Then he gets to go have dinner with Erica Wexler, yay!
Ughhh. Okay so where do I start with this whole thing now that I have told you about it? Spoilers by the way. Shoot, gotta remember to put that up higher in my reviews.
Zack has a lot of overacting in this thing and he just comes off as whiny to me for most of it. Everything that could be fun or funny about this movie happens off screen or is presented in the most boring way possible.
That being said, this film is not exactly bad. It’s certainly not so bad it’s good. It’s just kinda meh.
It got trashed by critics when it came out but I don’t think it was due to the film itself. It has a decent cast and other than Zack’s whining I think it was well acted. Beth did give sort of over the top screams at times but it fit in with, you know the whole zombie thing. But critics hated this because there had recently been a slew of zombie films in the theaters and of course The Walking Dead was still rocking it on the television sets. I think critics were just kind of burnt out of the genre and might have even trashed Zombieland if it had come out at the exact same time as this.
I don’t really recommend watching this but there are definitely worse films out there. If you don’t believe me, read any of my other reviews.
There were missed opportunities here to me. At first when the dead seemed to return, most of them were acting a little odd but kind of generally nice. To me, having the whole movie be like that would have been far more interesting. Like what would we do in a zombie apocalypse if basically, everyone was really nice but they needed to change their diet? That could have worked.
I did find one line pretty funny when Zack gets upset that Beth eats a guy. Her response is, “What do you want from me Zack? I’m a zombie, zombies eat guys.” Fact check – true!
Other than that though, this movie was just sort of okay. I never found myself hating it or loving it. Hopefully next week the film I watch will be more interesting, even if it sucks.
Last week James Cordon did a piece about fat shaming and mentioned a terrible movie Bill Mahr was in and a terrible movie he himself was in. I immediately felt the need to do a side by side comparison to see which one is worse. I’ll be starting with Bill’s movie, Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death. I have a strong suspicion it’s going to be every bit as bad as his opinions on fat shaming.
Hello friends and freakish compatriots. Slick Dungeon here back with yet another review of a film that is never going to win any kind of awards. I had planned to review Captain Sabretooth and the Treasure of Rama Lama but it apparently is not on Netflix and it’s surprisingly hard to get an Amazon Prime membership when you live in a dingy dungeon cave and are forced to read terrible books and watch awful movies.
I ended up watching Season of the Witch. The most absolutely stunning thing about this film is how many actors are in it that you will recognize. This was filmed after Nicolas Cage really needed money but before Robert Sheehan was being fantastically weird in The Umbrella Academy. It was after Ron Perlman had been Hellboy a couple of times but before Claire Foy was Lizbeth Salander or the queen of England. It was well after Christopher Lee was cool but before Rory McCann had an epic throwdown in Clegane-bowl in Game of Thrones. And yes, all those high quality actors are actually in this film. You know what? It just proves that we can’t all succeed all the time.
Set in the time of the crusades, we learn in the first scene that witches are totally real. How do we know? Because a priest kills one but then gets killed for it. Supernatural things are afoot.
We cut immediately into a series of crusade battles where a bunch of Americans sounding very American do some British style sword wielding. They go on battle after battle in location after location. Conveniently, the travel takes no time at all because, editing. Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage ham it up so much in these battle sequences, you can smell the pork on their breath. They play Felson and Behman respectively and the names do not fit at all with these actors. I guarantee you will think of them the entire time as Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman.
The fight sequences for the crusades seem to last about as long as the actual crusades. They are repetitive and dull and full of a lot shouting about God. Finally after the eons of this happening (along with a bunch of side shouting about committing all manner sins by Cage and Perlman) Behman stabs an innocent woman to death and thinks maybe it’s time for a career change. He and Felson quit and leave the battlefield. The head of the army is like, “You cannot leave,” to which Behman says, “Who’s gonna stop us?” My thought was, maybe that whole freaking army? But nah, they just let them go.
Cage and Perlman make it to the town we saw at the opening where the witch had cursed a priest. They find the whole place is dying by plague. Cage and Perlman are exposed to this stuff in the film over and over and over and over again and not even a cough out of either one of them for the whole film. Why? Because the plague was not caused by germs or spread by rodents or anything illogical like that. Nope. It was witches. For sure, witches. Oh and guess what? This town caught another witch and if she gets taken to some random town and put on trial where there is some book and some ritual is performed the plague will most definitely be over and we’ll all be good to go on and invent cheeseburgers in the future or whatever.
But there’s a problem see? They need some good ol’ deserters who can either choose jail time or go escort this witch somewhere. Cage and Perlman choose jail. Yep, you got that right. They were not afraid to fight off an entire army of crusaders but when a priest in a plague infested town tells them to leave, they are like, yeah jail sounds good. Behman has a heart though because he feels guilty for getting all stabby on a woman earlier in the movie so when this witch is in the jail cell across from him and she cries, he decides he will escort her, as long as he gets a pardon. Were there pardons back then? I dunno.
The witch begs Behman to make sure she gets a “fair trial”. Never mind that at that time a fair trial might very well have been checking to see if she burned to death by fire. They pick up a guy from the stockade who can apparently lead them to the town where this ritual is supposed to happen and they set off.
Pretty quick they end up in a spooky set location where one dude ends up dead in no time at all. Some of them think it was the woman causing the death some don’t know.
We go on a bit and the woman shows more strength than reasonable without ingesting a ton of steroids. They cross a rickety bridge, another dude dies soon after that and they’re all pretty sure the witchy woman is a witch.
But guess what? At that town, the plague has hit. We get to see Christopher Lee have a death scene and they find that book that would do that ritual thing. Next thing you know, almost everyone is dead except our heroes and the woman. They start up the ritual but it doesn’t seem to be working. The priest figures out that this is not a witch! It’s a demon. Now I want my money back for the film being mistitled. It should be called Season of the Plague Demon instead.
There’s a big battle, they have to do some reading in Latin, we see a CGI demon throw people around, Hellboy and the guy from National Treasure both die. Klaus from The Umbrella Academy and Lisbeth Salander live. She lives because apparently she was just possessed? I dunno. Anyway, we all survive the plague! Cheeseburgers are now in our future!
So yeah, that’s the film for ya. It was really bad. But sadly, it’s not the worst Nicolas Cage movie I have ever seen. The best part of Season of the Witch was one jump scare way early on and, um, yeah that’s it.
Next time you are stuck in history class and you have to talk about the black plague or the crusades, just mention how a hell-spawned demon took possession of a young woman, pretended to be a witch and got it’s butt kicked by a few Americans. You’ll get an A for sure!
Next week I will be back to review Life After Beth. It’s gotta be better than life before Beth right?