Hello out there internet people. I know a lot of you are going to be watching the Oscars tonight so I thought I would give you my take on all the Best Picture nominees. How did a guy stuck in a dungeon get to see these movies? Don’t ask. All I can tell you is that it took slaying a lot of swarms of rats for me to get there and then I still ended up back in my dungeon. I also hear you say, but Slick, I thought you only review bad movies. True! But you know what? There are a lot of bad Oscar movies and intend to inform people of that. There are some good ones on the list below but I’m calling out the stinkers.
War is hell. This should win all the awards. Yes all of them. Even that one.
Ford v Ferari
Vroom Vroom Vroomy Vroom Vroom, crash. This is a movie that completely celebrates corporate mediocrity. Although the life of Ken Miller is interesting, this movie sucks.
Sad clown licks a makeup brush, dances on stairs. Becomes a newspaper headline.
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Gorgeous, famous rich people act like poor famous people in revisionist history. Plus all the violence. All of it.
Rich people suck.
Martin Scorcese doesn’t like long, repetitive comic book movies because they never show any “character development.” He also likes to make the exact same long movies about gangsters over and over again, starring the same actors, playing characters like the ones they have played before over and over again.
The modern take on the classic novel. What’s the modern take? Mostly putting it in a different chronological order than the book. Also Timothee Chalamet’s hair blowing in the wind. A lot.
Nazis are fun and quirky. Hey, Taiki Waititi, I love you man, but in our current political time, can we maybe have a reminder of how freaking dangerous Nazis were? Thanks.
Kylo Ren and Black widow should have thought harder about whether or not to get married. They also should have thought harder about getting divorced. Long story short, Kylo Ren might not be marriage material.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Santa’s Little Helper. No not a full length feature about the dog from The Simpsons. That might be worth watching. This is a straight to DVD production made by the WWE. Yep, it’s a Christmas film made by and starring – pro wrestlers. Turns out that’s not a good idea at all.
Okay so here’s the plot of this, I guess we’ll call it a film? There’s a rich dude who is a jerk and he is going to foreclose on a youth center. But tables turn on him and in the next five minutes he loses his job, loses his girlfriend, gets his car repossessed, and gets his house foreclosed on. Meanwhile at the North Pole, Santa Claus is in need of a new helper. This is described as, “the ho ho ho” and as being, “the vice president of Santa Claus” at various points in the movie. Santa has a personal trainer who he asks to check out that jerk guy (Dax the Ax by name) for the job because, uh reasons? The trainer who is of course the love interest for Dax, puts him through a series of tests to see if he’s qualified for the job. Long story short, he gets the job after doing some humiliating stuff, loses the job, gets the job back, saves the youth center and the trainer gets the job in the end. Spoiler warning. Oops, should have put that earlier.
Here’s what’s amazing about this movie. And I don’t mean in a good way, I mean it’s amazing that any of this exists.
This has brilliant dialogue such as, “the car and I are in love”.
Also, “You’re giving Dax the Ax, the ax?”
Also, while talking to a building, “I’m going to take you down!”
Apparently the north pole looks exactly like a log cabin in the woods.
They have, “elves” there. How do we know they are elves? Two ways. First, they wear wool knit caps. Second they have pointed ears. The total number of elves we see with pointed ears (which by the way are just cheap bits of plastic glued to the wool knit caps)? One. But we know they must have pointed ears because they keep calling the trainer who has round ears, round ears. She has round ears due to a genetic birth defect. How do I know that? They say it like five times in the movie just to remind you that she is an elf and not just a normal human. Also, she has a low opinion of her looks because her ears are rounded, giving Dax the Ax the opportunity to hit on her and for her to say, “You really think I am beautiful?” despite the character being played by a woman that fits all the stereotypical ideals of Hollywood beauty.
The first test Dax has to do is go into a biker bar and say he hit one of their bikes because A) apparently that’s what Santa Claus needs and B) it gives a bunch of pro wrestling actors the chance to use their sweet, sweet wrestling moves in the bar fight scene.
Later in the movie there is a rival elf who wants to be, “the ho ho ho” and challenges Dax to a ropes competition. The actress playing the elf is a pro wrestler too so we get to see sweet, sweet wrestling moves on a ropes course too.
The second test Dax has to do is to dress up as a mascot at a kids pizza place during a kids birthday party. He threatens to punch one kid in the face and smashes the birthday boy into his own cake. Apparently this is the guy Santa Claus needs. But it’s okay because he turns the party into a food fight and everyone loves him for it? I dunno, wrestling logic I guess.
The third and final test Dax has to do is to help a stranger in need. This turns out to be an older man who has just been mugged. He lost his ring in the mugging and it was a family heirloom he was going to pass down to his kids. Dax the Ax sees the kids who did it and threatens them with bodily harm and returns the ring to the guy. The test is passed (the only test out of three he passed if we are keeping count) and the guy turns out to be Santa. So to be clear, Santa Claus needs a guy who, gets into a bar fight, wouldn’t last an hour working at a Chuck E. Cheese, and threatens to punch teenagers to get a ring back, but lets them keep the cash from the wallet. I guess Santa Claus needs some muscle who is not very good at following through?
The reason Santa Claus gives for wanting to hire Dax? He has potential to be a good man. Yep, that’s it. He didn’t want to find someone who was actually good. Or hire the trainer elf despite her being the most qualified. (Is Santa Claus a sexist? I don’t know but the WWE sure might be)
They use, “North Pole magic” by ringing a bell in this movie. At one point, the trainer uses it on Dax and he is wrapped up in wrapping paper. Apparently despite him being a pro wrestler, wrapping paper is just too hard to break out of.
Dax steals the bell in an effort to save the youth center but his first thing he does is to wish for a new car. This dude has not changed at all by the end of the movie but Santa still wants to hire him. Seriously?
This movie is an utter train wreck but it’s kinda hilarious to watch because you can see how some of them must have been thinking, “if The Rock can do it, so can I. This movie is my big break!”
That’s all of the horrible Christmas movies I can take for a while. My next movie reviews will be for the worst films of the last decade (one per year). I can’t wait? Err actually I can.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me An Accidental Christmas.
Have you ever thought to yourself, what I really want to watch is the Parent Trap but during Christmas and without any interesting camera effects, and taking place on a beach? Well, this is the film for you. As a bonus it has acting as wooden as a solid oak desk. The whole thing was dull and heartless despite being a supposed love story of reconnection.
The kids in the family basically trick their separated parents into spending Christmas at this beach house they own and falling back in love. There’s not any more to the plot and you have to suffer through ninety minutes of it for it to end exactly as you would have predicted.
For this one I actually have two antidote films to watch instead. Obviously you could just watch The Parent Trap (either version) but that wouldn’t be a Christmas movie. Still, it’s much better than this one. My second antidote film is Christmas in Connecticut. It’s a good solid comedy and it also involves lying and subterfuge but in a much better way.
Tomorrow I will be posting the last of the Twelve Terrible Days of Christmas. I hope you have enjoyed these reviews more than I have enjoyed the utter hell of watching these movies.
On the tenth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Arthur Christmas.
This movie boldly asks the question, what if Santa Claus was a hereditary position run like a highly efficient army? It further asks, what if one of the next Santa Clauses in line cared a whole lot but wasn’t good at the whole military efficiency thing? It also asks what if one of the next Santa Clauses in line was good at the whole military efficiency thing but bad with children? It also asks, what if the current Santa Claus just relied on his kids and elfs to do everything. It also asks what if one of the former Santa Clauses wished he wasn’t retired and wants to go out on the sleigh again? It also asks what if a child was almost forgotten by Santa Claus but quick thinking saved the day and the guy who cares turned out to be the best choice to be the next Santa.
To which I say, why didn’t you just watch The Santa Clause instead?!?!
On the ninth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Christmas Survival.
Also on the ninth day of Christmas I started to think that maybe there are too many days of Christmas.
This movie is called Christmas Survival but it is really about a family that doesn’t quite get along. It’s almost two hours of arguments and bad parenting. There were too many characters to keep track of so I wasn’t even sure who belonged to what family most of the time. It’s got the standard stuff like ruined dinners, holiday mishaps, family tension etc. I found none of it interesting.
Look if you are going to call your movie Christmas Survival I expect some deadly dangers appearing.
Here are a few suggestions about what this could have been about.
Dracula comes to torment the family and they have to survive together.
Ditto the wolf man.
The family eats a Christmas goose and half of them turn to zombies.
The family is a pack of serial killers who lure people in need for their annual feast and then hunt them but this time the tables turn and the family gets hunted instead.
The family is in an airplane crash and all they have to survive on is the holiday food they brought with them.
There’s a secret underground fight club that the family get hoodwinked into joining and their only hope is the eight year old son who has watched a lot of television wrestling.
Or you know, go with what this did and just make it a long boring conversation with such parental disorganization that the kids aren’t even allowed to open their presents on Christmas day and have every adult act like an incompetent jerk the whole time.
There is only one Christmas movie that works as an antidote to this. Die Hard. It takes place at Christmas and really is about survival.
On the eighth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me The Christmas Calendar.
Hey everyone, it’s Slick Dungeon here and I am still reviewing terrible Christmas movies. There are 12 days of Christmas so I am going to get through those before I review the ten absolute worst films of the last decade.
Today I have a movie for you that is so saccharine sweet that you’ll feel like you just stuffed six sugar cookies in your mouth. Yet somehow it manages to have no heart and is utterly predictable.
The Christmas Calendar is about Emily, a baker, who has returned to the small town she grew up in so that she can take over the bakery that her grandmother left for her. We also find out pretty quickly that the bakery is in danger of foreclosure and Emily will need to do something about that by the end of the month. Next a French baker, Gerard, comes in to town and it’s obvious that Emily has the hots for him. But it will be a problem because he could put her out of business. This all takes less than five minutes to set up. Then Emily receives an advent calendar that looks old and homemade. Everyone assumes it’s from a secret admirer and we spend the rest of the movie watching Emily and Gerard snip at each other, the town guessing who the secret admirer is, and basically knowing that everything will turn out fine in the end. Yay!
I have some questions.
I mean it was a nice calendar but would that really make the news? I feel like this should have been titled Advent Calendar, the Movie.
We all knew it was from her grandmother. How could people not see that coming?
Seriously the news reporter from the fictional TV station just said she was here from “the news”. Were they too lazy to think of three or four letters? Or maybe a number?
There’s a part where a health inspector flashes a badge. Pretty sure they don’t do that.
There was this whole build up about a Christmas baking competition and they don’t even show it. What were they thinking?
This is about two rival bakers and there’s not a single food fight. Boo.
Okay so if this calendar was from a secret admirer, why would they make something so big and obvious. Isn’t the key word secret?
Gerard bowls a perfect game his first try. I didn’t buy it at all.
The misunderstandings between Emily and Gerard could have been cleared up if they had talked to each other for another five minutes but they never do that.
We all knew that the bakery would be saved, Emily and Gerard would get together, and that they would end up as bakers together so why did we make this movie again? Oh yeah we needed a love letter film to advent calendars.
At first I had a hard time figuring out what the antidote to this film is. It kept reminding me of You’ve Got Mail, which is not a Christmas movie. Then I remembered why that made perfect sense. You’ve Got Mail is based on an old Jimmy Stewart more called The Shop Around the Corner which is a Christmas movie. It’s got the same sort of premise where there’s a business in danger and a couple that snip at each other until they fall in love. It’s got way more heart and won’t leave you with a sugary aftertaste.
Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! I’m going to keep this one short.
On the seventh day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Jingle All the Way. This movie is not the worst Christmas movie I have on this list but it might be the one I hate the most. Simply put this film is about a couple of fathers who would do anything, including really illegal activity, to get the hottest toy for their kids. It’s not funny, it has no heart and is just one mind bogglingly bad film that never redeems itself. I have only one question for this one.
Why did they make this? Quick someone kill this. Kill it with fire!!!!
The antidote to this one is A Miracle on 34th Street. It’s full of heart, sweetness and an on point Christmas message despite being pretty much one huuuge advertisement for Macy’s.
On the sixth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me The Knight before Christmas.
We’ve made it halfway through the worst Christmas movies I watched this year. I am hoping to keep my sanity through the next half.
Today we have The Knight Before Christmas. This is one that didn’t look promising because of the bad pun. It wasn’t good but I could get past the pun and the premise here. There have been time traveling knight stories before that worked. If Mark Twain can do it, so can someone else. Of course no one is going to do this type of story as well as he did.
So here’s the plot in a nutshell. A young man in medieval times is trying to complete a quest to become a true knight. For some reason we’re calling him Sir Cole even though he is not a true knight yet. He meets an old crone and is kind to her. She does some Christmas magic and sends Cole to 2019 where he has to do something involving his heart to complete the quest. We know pretty quickly that his quest must be to fall in love with Brook because we see her complain about an ex boyfriend. We have to spend the next ninety minutes watching Cole do valiant and kind things that make Brook realize not all men are bad. They fall in love with each other and then Cole gets pulled back in time for all of two minutes and then because of more Christmas magic he goes back to 2019 to live happily ever after with Brook. Yay!
Okay so the plot is not that bad and neither is the romance so what’s the problem with it? Missed comedy opportunities. I made a list.
While we do get to see Cole interact with Alexa but I wanted to see what he would think of indoor plumbing.
At no point did Cole try to slay a car with a sword.
There’s a couple of jokes about Cole thinking that people are inside of a radio but he never thinks it’s magical or anything.
No one fell off a single ladder or roof in this whole movie.
Cole seems way cool with electricity for a guy who would never have encountered it. Hello, hilarious electrocution scene where are you?
I really wanted to see him go through a drive through on a horse. No luck.
Cole never seems freaked out by the whole thing and I think he would have thought it was all devilry and witchcraft.
Also it’s clear from the end that Cole’s brother will be showing up in modern times next year. Do we have to do that?
I am sure there’s more I can think of but I have to get to the next terrible film. The clear antidote to this one is Elf. It’s about a man out of his element who falls in love too. The difference? Not a single missed comedy opportunity in the whole film.
On the fifth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas.
Here is a movie that could have worked and been a cute romantic comedy if the premise wasn’t so absurdly stupid. This is about a young woman who is a bit stuck in life, getting small time jobs and getting fired from them. She’s also been dating a bit but hasn’t found her true love yet. She has a roommate who is supportive of her through thick and thin. Jess, the woman, finally goes on a successful date and is promptly killed in a car accident because she was texting and driving with the guy she just had the date with. The next day she wakes up as a literal ghost. She turns to her roommate to get help and they find out that she needs, “big love” to ascend to heaven. She goes on dates with the dude but in the end she still doesn’t ascend. Finally they figure out that her big love needed is more or less to apologise to her roommate for not being there for her. Then she goes to heaven and in less than a year the dude ends up dead too and goes to heaven. Apparently heaven is the bar where they had their first date and played trivia night.
Honestly the romance kind of works and so does the friendship with the roommate but the whole literal ghost thing? Not so much.
I had a few questions.
Why is she sometimes intangible and sometimes not? That makes no sense.
They keep talking about It’s a Wonderful Life, why didn’t they end the movie that way?
It was really obvious that the actress kept almost touching stuff but then realized oh wait I am a ghost and can’t touch that. Couldn’t they have increased the special effects budget slightly to make that more believable.
At one point she has to ask her friend to open the door for her. Can’t she just walk through the wall since she is a ghost?
The obvious antidote to this movie is It’s a Wonderful Life. Just rewatch that.
On the fourth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Four Christmases. This movie takes one Christmas and somehow makes it into four terrible Christmases which adds up to one terrible movie.
This stars Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn as a couple who have dated for about three years and avoided having Christmas with their families by lying about doing charity work. That last part tells you what horrible people these are if they are willing to lie about something like that. Had there been any character growth by the end of the movie I might have gotten over that but in the end they do the same type of lying but about their first child being born. What was the point of this whole movie if that happens? I got the job impression the whole time that these were self centered jerk wads and were never going to change and the end confirms that.
Let me explain. No there is no time. Let me sum up.
The couple get caught on camera trying to leave for a vacation on Christmas Eve after they have told their parents they were doing charity work. They are caught red handed and now have to spend Christmas day visiting with each of their divorced parents. Needless to say things get out of hand and comedy ensues. In the end this couple is supposedly brought closer together and learn that Christmas and families are not so bad.
Normally in my reviews at this point I would give you a list of questions I had while watching it. But this time my only real questions were; how long was this day because no way they fit all those visits into less than twenty four hours and why did anyone think this film was a good idea? So instead I am going to give you the one and only reason to watch this at all.
John Favreau in a mohawk acting like a UFC fighter aggressively eating chicken.
That’s the best part of this. Other than that skip it.
The best antidote to this one is Love Actually because in that movie you get the impression that nice people are in love, actually.