Hello out there internet people. I know a lot of you are going to be watching the Oscars tonight so I thought I would give you my take on all the Best Picture nominees. How did a guy stuck in a dungeon get to see these movies? Don’t ask. All I can tell you is that it took slaying a lot of swarms of rats for me to get there and then I still ended up back in my dungeon. I also hear you say, but Slick, I thought you only review bad movies. True! But you know what? There are a lot of bad Oscar movies and intend to inform people of that. There are some good ones on the list below but I’m calling out the stinkers.
War is hell. This should win all the awards. Yes all of them. Even that one.
Ford v Ferari
Vroom Vroom Vroomy Vroom Vroom, crash. This is a movie that completely celebrates corporate mediocrity. Although the life of Ken Miller is interesting, this movie sucks.
Sad clown licks a makeup brush, dances on stairs. Becomes a newspaper headline.
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Gorgeous, famous rich people act like poor famous people in revisionist history. Plus all the violence. All of it.
Rich people suck.
Martin Scorcese doesn’t like long, repetitive comic book movies because they never show any “character development.” He also likes to make the exact same long movies about gangsters over and over again, starring the same actors, playing characters like the ones they have played before over and over again.
The modern take on the classic novel. What’s the modern take? Mostly putting it in a different chronological order than the book. Also Timothee Chalamet’s hair blowing in the wind. A lot.
Nazis are fun and quirky. Hey, Taiki Waititi, I love you man, but in our current political time, can we maybe have a reminder of how freaking dangerous Nazis were? Thanks.
Kylo Ren and Black widow should have thought harder about whether or not to get married. They also should have thought harder about getting divorced. Long story short, Kylo Ren might not be marriage material.
Welcome friends and Merry Christmas! It’s Slick Dungeon here and I am on a quest to watch twelve of the worst ever Christmas movies made and review them for you so you never have to see them.
You have watched Home Alone obsessively for thirty years or more. You crack up at Will Ferrell’s antics in Elf. You swoon over all the love actually going around in Love Actually. Yet, isn’t there something more? Something new? Something to get that Christmas spice a little more stirred up in your eggnog? Nope. Trust me, just watch Die Hard again.
For the next twelve days I am going to be reviewing one film per day. Since it is Christmas I wanted to start with one that has the word Christmas in the title. This one does. Saving Christmas is Kirk Cameron’s love letter to Christmas.
Before I get too far in the review for this one, I just want to make a few things clear. If you love to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Festivus, or the fact that Baby Yoda exists in the world, I think you should be absolutely free to do so. Enjoy it all you want. I am not here to denigrate anyone’s religion in any way. I think as long as we are kind to each other that is all that matters.
But no matter your system of faith, or lack thereof, I think we can all agree, bad film making is bad. Saving Christmas is, and I cannot state this enough, a masterclass in bad film making.
How do I know this? Let me count the ways
This starts with a voice over of Kirk Cameron before we go to a shot of… Kirk Cameron… but by a tree.
Ol’ Kirk mugs it up for the camera by telling us how it matters how we come into this story and sips some hot chocolate. Kirk, reminder, you’re the film maker, you are deciding how we come into the story. I know, I know, he meant what attitude you have about the bible but that is just not made clear with that wonky voice over at all.
Kirk tells us that Santa might be “on the team”. Here’s the team Santa is involved with, His team of reindeer. It’s really okay for people to believe or not believe in Santa as they choose. You don’t have to be Christian to believe in Santa and it’s okay to believe in Santa if you are a Christian. Let’s just not get up in each others faces about it.
Kirk wants to make it clear that it is okay to love Christmas. You know, with the tree and the presents and the hot chocolate and the increased charity donations and whatnot. He tells us that as if someone is trying to stop people from having Christmas. While that might be true in some limited parts of the world it is, and I can’t really make this point enough, NOT true in the good ol’ US of A. No one is trying to take away your Christmas. Some people might want you to acknowledge that they don’t celebrate Christmas but I have never, ever, ever seen anyone be like, “How dare he wish me Merry Christmas,” It does not happen. Anywhoo…
When we get done with the way too long narration about how, you better love all this stuff, we finally get to the movie itself. Okay, Kirk, you got me excited enough to be on board to see what you have to say, despite it being, well you just talking by a huge tree and sipping chocolate. This has to be about something right?
Yeah, so it’s about a Christmas party. First Kirk goes in to say hello to his sister and then asks where his brother in law is. He is told that this year, Christian is just not that into Christmas. So now we know, Kirk is gonna save it. Totally save it I am sure. But first he offers to do bodily harm to his brother in law if he is, “acting out of line.” This is supposed to be a good-natured joke and all and I am sure Kirk didn’t mean anything by it but casual violence rises during the holiday season and can we please just not joke all the time about this stuff? There are real people who do go out and just beat on people and I don’t think that is exceptionally Christian.
The bulk of this movie is a conversation that takes place… in a car in a driveway. Yep, that’s the big exciting locale for this.
In the car Kirk convinces Christian that all this stuff that he sees around him, the trees, the gifts, Santa Claus, and what have you are all truly symbols for things that happen in the bible. I don’t know if he does or doesn’t really make that argument well but he certainly convinces his brother in law. After like ninety minutes of picking apart how, you know, having a tree isn’t idolatry or something. He also makes sure that we know that the historical Saint Nicholas beat someone up real good. So now Santa is cool even for adults okay? Sensing a little trend with Kirk enjoying some violence here…
There is, well not a side plot because there would have to be a plot for there to be a side plot, but a part of the movie where these guys talk for like five minutes with their cocoa in front of their faces so no one can read their lips. It is one of the most dull sequences in a film I have ever seen.
Did I mention most of this movie takes place in a car? It has little flash backs to biblical stories to give us a break from that but seriously, mostly car,
Kirk wants us to think of Santa in Lord of the Rings terms. I think he should have gone for Narnia instead, it’s a much better fit.
So the whole premise of this film is that this guy is not enjoying his own Christmas party because basically it is too materialistic and not biblical enough. He hides out in a car but then Kirk comes to get him out of the car. Now, I have never hid out at a party because I thought something was too materialistic but as an introvert, if I need to be hiding out in a car during a big loud party, seriously leave me there please. It’s too much with your actor self coming to talk to me when I purposely went somewhere no one will talk to me. Extroverts will never understand this.
The climax of the movie is Christian going back into the party with new eyes. He sees that it isn’t just the nativity snow glob that represents baby Jesus. There’s also trees, you know made by God, there are nutcrackers to represent Herod’s soldiers and uh… somehow the presents under the tree are supposed to represent the city skyline that Jesus might have seen. If you weren’t sure if Kirk was okay with a lot of material goods around him, there is the proof. But when Christian comes in he like slides on the floor to the nativity ornament, apologizes to his wife for being a jerk and generally acts like a crazy man but with none of the fun of that. He’s not Chevy Chase trying to get Cousin Eddie to chill or anything. It’s just super weird. Also whatever house they shot this in is super huge and it’s very clear these people think having a lot of money is what God wants for them.
I should mention the acting is… Well can I call it acting? I mean it’s just people having a conversation. I get the feeling they had this conversation and went, we should make a movie about this conversation! How should we film it? Let’s film the conversation mostly and throw in a couple of images… but while we have the conversation just in case anyone forgets we are having a conversation.
The last, and most awkward part of this movie, I kid you not, has an evangelical rap group perform while the mostly (by which I mean 95%) white people try to break dance. Like eighties break dancing with pop and lock and stuff. It’s the kind where the people dancing have so little rhythm they literally have to slow mo it so it looks at all decent. As a white guy I can say, I think it is the whitest thing I have ever seen in all my life, this side of a mayo sandwich on wonder bread.
If you are wondering if I recommend this movie, you may have guessed I don’t. But seriously it is not because it comes at Christmas from a religious perspective. I don’t take issue with that. However, I can recommend a far, far better film as an antidote to this one. It gets at the true meaning of Christmas, it even takes someone who is not that enthusiastic about Christmas and changes his mind. It’s in all ways a nearly perfect Christmas movie and it achieves the same goal as Saving Christmas in about 30 minutes. Yes, I am talking about A Charlie Brown Christmas. It acknowledges the secular, it injects humor, and it asks people to remember why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. All of this without weird voice overs, Santa beating people up, and most especially without two dudes just sitting in a driveway for almost an hour.
I’ll be back with another Christmas doozy tomorrow. You get twelve days of this so buckle up! Merry whatever you celebrate, up to and including Festivus or even, baby Yoda.
Killers Confess to rAndom Strangers all the Time Though
Have you ever met someone who took one look at you and pretty much decided that they would tell you their whole life story and just straight up confess to murder despite you not being a cop or anyone of any authority who could reasonably do something about a murder confession? Me neither. But that’s pretty much what happens in Doggie Day Care Murder by Laurien Bereson
If you love cozy little mysteries and well trained dogs who get displayed in dog shows, Doggie Day Care Murder is perfectly fine and would make a nice short little read for a plane or on a beach or whatever. If you have a brain that tends to pick things apart and wonder why any of this would even be a possibility, then stay away from this book.
Here’s a summary. Melanie Travers is a mother to two children, one of them still a pretty new infant, and an owner of five standard poodles. Apparently these are the “big kind” of poodles. I know this because that fact was mentioned about three hundred times. Melanie’s friend Alice also has a dog named, Berkeley. Alice is going back to work at a law firm that her husband seems to be a partner in. Alice needs Melanie to check out this doggie day care center that she might put Berkeley in because, Alice, “doesn’t know about dog stuff”, despite, well, having a dog and a reasonable mind. Melanie agrees to go check the place out. Then she drags Alice to the place (even though Melanie is supposed to be the one doing the checking out of the place) at which point one of the owners is discovered to have been shot and is lying dead in his office. For no rational reason that I can discern, Alice now wants Melanie to investigate this murder and promises the co-owner/sister of the murdered man that Melanie will solve this crime. A lot of running around, lying, talking, being terrible at jobs, and dog shows occur. Melanie solves the murder, is almost murdered, and then gets to see her kid come in second place in a dog show. Err… the dog comes in second? I dunno the kid gets a ribbon or whatever. Yay!
I had a few thoughts.
At the beginning of the book Melanie checks out this Doggie Day Care. Literally everyone she tells about this rolls their eyes at a place calling itself a doggie day care. Yet all these people are dog owners and not a freaking one of them has heard of this? Ok boomer.
Likewise when it is revealed that a dog is named Joyjoy, all the “real” dog people in the book are flabbergasted. It’s a freaking dog. There are plenty of weird names people can give their dogs, come on, get less judgmental for a minute here.
As soon as Melanie strolls into the day care center with no appointment and clearly having done zero research about the place at all, demands an appointment with the co-owner. Melanie is utterly disgusted with the attitude of the teenage clerk behind the counter. You know what? I think the girl behind the counter was reasonably wondering why this lady is judging her so harshly. Also, the teenager is probably not getting paid much here so back off lady. Yet Melanie is like, why can’t some people be polite? Good question Melanie, good question. Ask it of yourself.
Melanie tours this place, realizes they care about the dogs and is pretty much gonna recommend it to Alice but still drags Alice over to check it out. You know, just in case Melanie simply caught them on a good day. Fair enough, you don’t want some scumbag abusing your dog so I get that. But it sounded to me really like Melanie was too damn lazy to decide if she was going to give a good opinion to her friend.
Next thing, Steve, the co-owner of the place is murdered and Melanie and Alice are there when his body is found. The police talk to the two women to see what they were doing there and why. Melanie gets all defensive about it and is like, why would you suspect us? So, here’s the the thing, Melanie, if that is your real name, you show up a day ago, demand to see an owner, disappear and the next day you show up, the dude is freaking dead. That seems suspicious to me. And that is not to mention the fact that Melanie in previous books has “solved murders”. So now, she’s showing up around a lot of dead bodies, And dogs apparently.
The sister/co-owner of the place then agrees to let Melanie snoop into the murder because, umm… she likes dogs? And hey, yeah suspicious lady that I only met a day ago and showed up after my brother turned up dead, you are likely the best person to figure this out.
There is a side plot about Melanie’s kid Davey who is learning how to compete in a dog show. Melanie frequently rolls her eyes at all these people who are richer than her, like the guy who drives a hummer and doesn’t seem to realize that most people who are in the “competitive dog show world” must have a fair amount of disposable income to you know, be in, “the competitive dog show world”. I assume it is not a cheap hobby.
Also, I am just gonna give this away so if you want to read the book and be surprised don’t read this but… the guy who is the murderer? Not good at training his dog. Because, if you can’t train your dog well, according to this book, you are a horrible, horrible, horrible person who probably named a dog the wrong name.
The police show up exactly twice in this book. Once, when the body is found and once when Melanie is almost killed by the murderer. What in the blasted blue blazes do the tax dollars of people in Stamford, Connecticut pay for anyway, huh?
I assume that the whole thing with there being no police was so the author didn’t have to really explain the conflict that Melanie would have with them. But here are a few of the things Melanie does. Let me know if any of them would seem weird enough to have police get called on her. 1. She goes to a neighbor who hated Steve and falsely gives the impression that she is on the city board. 2. She keeps showing up at this doggie day care, asking a whole freaking lot of questions about the murder victim. 3. She basically stalks a guy outside his neighborhood just so she can find out if he was a co-owner of the day care. 4. She goes into a clothing store and threatens to sit there all day until one of the workers will talk to her about Steve’s death. The woman she wants to talk to I remind you, is working, and has sued Steve in the past and is threatening to again. Yet the woman talks to her rather than saying, I do not have to talk to you and lawyer or not I can call the cops for you harassing me. 5. She goes to a pet store, berates the store for encouraging her to breed her standard poodle, demands to see a delivery guy there and then interrogates him. 6. She gets Candy to give her the password to Steve’s computer so she can see what his business files have. I utterly guarantee you that any evidence found a result of Melanie’s efforts is not going to be accepted in a court case. You know, unless it’s the case where they throw the book at Melanie.
Finally, the last point I want to make is that the whodunit here wasn’t that hard to figure out based on behavior towards dogs. Why make it a mystery if it is going to be that obvious? Just call it, Melanie tries to do a job at a doggie day care place but would rather talk about murder.
My next review will be for Geek Girls Don’t Date Dukes. Oh don’t they know? I kind of think the title is lying to me.
Hello out there internet people. Slick Dungeon here to tell you about why a made for television movie is not worth watching. Bet you never would have guessed that right?
Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her father forty-one.
We’ve all probably heard that rhyme a few times in our lives. Likely while someone was skipping rope. And if the film version starring Christina Ricci had its way, that would pretty much sum up the whole story. Except for the fact that there were eleven axe wounds inflicted on the father and around 17 on the mother. Pretty much the rest of the film just wants to scream guilty at Lizzie.
Ricci’s portrayal is almost downright maniacal and I don’t see how any jury would have found her not guilty acting the way she was in the film. In reality I am sure it was a lot more of a gray area.
The film goes into gory detail pretty quickly but doesn’t cast much doubt as to who murdered Lizzie’s parents. Lizzie has an older sister who in the movie lies to protect her, even though that made no sense at all. The acting is not good in this and the story is so black and white it feels like it is cut out of a newspaper from the time period. But all of that said, you know what freaking kills this movie to death? THE SOUNDTRACK!!
They stupidly decided to go with modern popish music with depressing and disorienting undertones that in no way work. As annoyed as I was by forcing my eyes to view this, it’s my ears that were truly offended.
There is no way to concentrate on the images and drama happening in this movie while listening to the soundtrack.
This is a story that has been told over and over in a variety of formats. I don’t know if Lizzie is guilty or not and I doubt anyone will ever know for sure but this movie doesn’t add anything to the story in any way.
So what were the film makers thinking? I think I have their thought process below.
Hey what’s that song my kid is singing, is that real?
It is, I should look it up on wikepedia.
Holy moly, it’s a real murder.
I bet I can make a movie about a famous murder.
I’m gonna write it right now, but you know pretty much as the papers had it.
Now I am going to cast it. I bet I can get a big star, Christina Ricci is available right?
Okay, watching the dailies.
Wait, will the audience understand that this murder-y acting character is a murderer? Not sure, let me add some more obvious information. And let’s make sure to show her holding an ax. A lot.
Hey I wonder if there are any other possible explanations for this murder? Possibly, according to the papers of the time. I am going to make sure to just gloss over those. Wouldn’t want to make it not obvious because the audience would be too dumb to grasp it.
You know, I don’t think Lizzie looks guilty enough, let’s have her look like a crazy evil person at the camera. Maybe they will get it now?
Okay, almost done, time to add a soundtrack that will give the proper mood, make some mystery and turn this into a great film. Wait, let’s just add pop music.
This is gonna be huge, We’re going to release this to theaters and take our bags of money based on the gory details of this famous murder!
Oh, made for TV movie instead? Sure, why not.
The moral of the story here is, if you want to make a movie about a rhyme that relates to a murder, you still need to make a good movie. The rhyme can’t do it all.
My next film reviews will be in Christmas mode, so get ready for some festive joy when I count down the 12 days of terrible Christmas movies.
It’s late at night and you want to curl up with a good book that will give you lots of warm and fuzzy feelings about love. Here’s my advice for that situation. Under no circumstances should you read Mulberry Moon by Catherine Anderson. Re-read Outlander instead. Trust me.
The story centers around Sissy who is a restaurant owner and a woman who keeps walls around her heart and the guy who is destined to be with her, the stetson wearing, manly hunk of manly goodness, Ben. Ben is in love with Sissy, but she is tough to win. They go back and forth for ridiculous reasons about not being together and of course in the end they wind up married like we all knew they would.
Overall, I would mostly call this book just dull. It has a couple moments that could have been cute and funny but just really read flat for me. However, I noticed some things in this book that made me, uh, wonder some things. The premise is fine and I think that this book is supposed to be in a series where like everyone in Mystic Creek (the setting) is supposed to come under some kind of love spell eventually but I am just going to talk about what popped out to me.
“With the taste of tacos lingering in his mouth, Ben Sterling opened the door to leave Taco Joe’s on West Main and hollered good-bye to Joe Paisley, the owner.” That is the first sentence of the book. A.) nothing says romance like talking about the taste of tacos in someone’s mouth. B.) I vote this for worst opening line of a book, ever. And I have read some bad openings my friends.
A good portion of the book has Ben complaining to himself about the women he dated in the past who couldn’t get along with the animals at his ranch. Example: “He needed a down-to-earth person who didn’t run in terror from his free-range chickens or pick dog hair off her fancy clothes. ” I have a few thoughts here. First, where is this guy finding these women? He lives in this tiny Colorado town where no one visits. Is it just somehow full of super rich women? Second, even if that is the case, why would he be interested in them? I think he’s a pretty casual guy so why would he be like, I gotta date me a woman who wears fancy clothes!! And finally, what exactly is a woman with fancy clothes supposed to do with dog hair on them? I think taking the dog hair off might just be them trying to you know, not ruin their clothes.
When Ben and Sissy, well not first meet because they seem to have met before the book starts, but when they have their first meaningful interaction, Sissy acts very standoffish even though Ben is just trying to help her round up loose chickens. Ben thinks to himself how women always respond better to jerks and then thinks, “I need lessons in how to be a convincing jerk” Mmmmm…. nope, you don’t. Assuming a woman is not a nice person just because she doesn’t want to talk to you while she is trying to gather all her chickens on the street makes you a jerk already bro.
Another window into Ben’s mind: “If a woman could turn him on now, when his nuts still ached, he guessed he really was going to be fine.” Let me check, do my nuts ache? Yes. Can a woman turn me on while my nuts ache? Yes. Okay, life must be good then! You got this life thing figured out Ben!
Sissy has her own problems. She can’t get close to a man because she had a terrible father who abused her (which is a perfectly valid reason to have emotional issues). But she has a soft spot for animals so she ends up connecting to Ben through his dog. She is supposed to, you know, not like Ben at first because that is how romance books work but she looks at Ben’s dog and thinks this. “It wasn’t Finn’s fault that his master embodied everything that she most distrusted in a man. Ben Sterling was suave, charming, and successful.” Yeah, suave, charming and successful. No one could possibly like those qualities…
This is what Sissy really thinks of Ben: “Sans Stetson his bangs and sideburns gleamed like a horseshoe-shaped halo around his head.” Er… what? I don’t even know how to picture that in my head. I guess he is angelic but like in a hairy way?
There is a little side plot at the beginning about what Sissy thinks is a ghost haunting her but turns out to be a literal pack rat. Why does she think she has a ghost? Well, she hears noises at night. Okay sure. But more importantly, in Sissy’s candy bowl she has fun sized Snickers bars but they keep disappearing. She knows that the candy is disappearing because she is very strict with herself and just eats two per night. She eats the candy because… she isn’t having sex with anyone at the time. Err… seriously. But this whole thing leads to dialogue like this, “I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea of a nonphysical being that steals Snickers bars.” Me neither, Ben. Me neither.
More of Ben’s head, “But I’m tired of hooking up with fussy women who reject my world and want me to wear chinos with polished loafers.” Okay, Ben, here’s a thought – Don’t date those kinds of women then!
Sissy finds herself attracted to Ben but doesn’t want to show it. This is what she does while working along side him fixing up a chicken coop. “She just made sure she didn’t look at him from his belt buckle up. Or from there down for that matter.” Uh, okay so you are going to just not look at a dude while you are working right along side him. Yeah… that makes sense…
More of the whole Snickers equals sex thing in Sissy’s head, “And looking at him did maker her want a Snickers bar.” So yeah, if a woman wants to eat a Snickers bar because she is looking at you, she’s waaaay into you. Take note!
There is this weird thing in romance books where characters seem to think that it would be romantic to go to jail and that they would get to do jail time with their romantic partner somehow. In part of the book Sissy and Ben decided to steal a kitten with no front paws from the vet office because it will be put down if they don’t. Sissy says to Ben, “I want you to know that there’s nobody on earth I’d rather do time with.” Seriously that might be the most romantic line in this whole book.
At one point Ben looks at Sissy who is just wearing a little bit of makeup and a somewhat nice sweater. Not like fancy clothes like he hated those other women wearing and he thinks how good she looks. But then his next thought is, “Ben wished he could dress her, starting with undies and bras from Victoria’s Secret, with her modeling everything for his appreciation.” Make up your freaking mind Ben. Do you want fancy clothed women or not?!
More of Ben’s romantic thoughts: “Why did the idea of a tie-down strap ruffle her feathers? He had one in the bed of his truck that would work.” In this part of the book Sissy had broken her leg and rather than just wait for it to heal, Ben thinks to freaking tie her leg down so she wouldn’t buck when they… well you know. I gotta say dude, you are not lacking in confidence there about your charms, skillful use of bondage equipment, and physical abilities.
Remember above when I quoted Ben wanting to put Sissy in Victoria’s Secret underwear for his pleasure? Here is what he tells her, “You don’t need sexy lingerie.” Seriously man, make up your mind!
Next time you want to get steamy with your romantic partner say this, “Watch another romantic movie, sweetheart, and remember during all the love scenes that I am going to outclass every Snickers bar you’ve ever eaten when I come back upstairs tonight.” Snickers – 0 Ben – Outclassed them all. No candy is safe.
Ben reassuring Sissy, “Your breasts are the perfect size for your build. And you do have some. Trust me, I notice things like that.” Very observant of you Ben.
Also Ben, “Maybe I should rent you some porn.” To each their own I guess?
Also Ben, “You’re so beautiful I couldn’t spit if you yelled, ‘Fire.'” I still haven’t figured out what this is supposed to mean.
Also Ben, “I need to know, before we take our relationship to that level, that you’ll be my forever lady.” Smooth Ben, smooth.
There is a really disturbing scene in this book where Sissy’s father tries to out and out rape her. This is not a particular criticism of this book or anything but I swear like eighty percent of romance books have a rape scene in them. I don’t know why this is the case. These scenes are always awful to read and I get the feeling sometimes that they are put there just to show that the guy who gets the girl is not like that. I just have to think there is a much better way to demonstrate that without placing in rape scenes that might get fetishized by certain sick individuals. Okay, stepping off of my soap box now.
Now I will remind you again that Sissy was almost raped by her own father in a very violent and brutal way. After that she is sort of shell shocked and doesn’t want to speak with Ben, or really anyone. This is Ben’s thought, “He loved her too much to take no for an answer.” WHAT?! That is the absolute most awful thing you could think in that moment dude. Ben, when you thought you should take jerk lessons earlier, you really were wrong. Get your money back because you are a jerk.
Sissy basically goes back to hiding her feelings from Ben but then he basically gives her an ultimatum of how she has to win him back. She is worried that mental illness runs in her family and that their kids will be less than perfect and that wouldn’t be fair to Ben. He offers that they could adopt and all kinds of other things that would make it okay for them to get married. You know what I didn’t see from Ben? Him asking if Sissy was okay after attempted rape. And now she has to ask him to marry her if she wants to keep the relationship. What an A-class jerk.
Here is Sissy’s proposal, “Ben Sterling, will you please become my husband? For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse, whether or not we’re genetically flawed, crazier than loons, or predisposed to have any kind of cancer?” You know, I think Ben might have said no but then you threw in the cancer and I am pretty sure that sealed the deal.
Ben’s answer, “If I say yes, will you have unprotected sex with me tonight and risk getting pregnant?” Wow. That feels like a good place to stop.
Again, I cannot recommend not reading this book enough. I hope you enjoyed reading my review more than I enjoyed reading Mulberry Moon. Next week I will be reviewing another destined to become classic literature book – Doggie Day Care Murder. Why did the doggies murder the day care? I have no idea.
Slick Dungeon here and if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s falling into a pit trap doing major damage to my hit points and losing my library card. I know it has been a while since I have done a book review. One is coming later this week. Due to the fact that I lost my library card I have not been able to check out books online very easily so it has been a bit. But I battled a swarm of rats and got it back. I will try to get back to my regular cadence of one per week starting this Friday.
#What’sup everyone? Slick Dungeon here with yet another movie review of a movie that you should definitely avoid watching.
You know how people go around annoyingly posting their life on instagram all the time? You know how every teen comedy/romance/drama ever is about a nerdy girl (who is clearly attractive but just wearing glasses and braces) who becomes pretty (by wearing a dress and doing her hair and makeup) and then gets ogled by her classmates for changing her look (yet no one ever mentions how overtly horrible these guys looking are) and then gets noticed by her hot crush (who is typically a jerk but not always) and then ignores her true friends (who obviously don’t want to be stuck in the friend zone for all time) and then has to go back to being the “nerdy” girl (but still is able to dress up when she wants to for say prom or something) and then everything works out so that the girl either gets the hot guy (if he is nice) or the friend gets the formerly nerdy girl (if the hot guy is a jerk) and the movie wraps up with a life lesson where you now know that what it takes in life is to be true to yourself (but apparently wearing make up and ditching the glasses is a plus)? Yeah, that’s this movie. Also, you know how the Fyre festival was super hyped up to be full of amazing influential people who are super wealthy and attractive and the party was going to be amazing but then turned out to just suck? That’s also this movie.
Look, any movie title with a hashtag at the beginning was doomed to be crappy. Then putting it in a high school was also just asking for garbage here. It’s kind of hard to summarize what is exactly wrong with this film but there is plenty to dissect. Let me start by summarizing the plot.
Dani is our main character. She starts the film at a camp where her friend tells her that a boy she likes wants to make out with her. We all see this coming right? When she gets there and tries to kiss the boy, it turns out to be a prank where they get her to almost kiss a pig. Then she gets stuck with all kinds of nicknames like pigs breath etc. We can all feel for Dani even though it also feels like we have seen this exact same scene one hundred thousand times before.
Fast forward to high school. Dani isn’t any more popular than she was before. She’s gone from wearing braces to a retainer and she seems a bit awkward but overall she’s doing fine. At school though, she is still made fun of, and the boy she likes is dating this instagram/youtube model who is extremely shallow and mean. This is Alexa and it’s obvious this will be Dani’s rival for the whole film. And obviously she is the same person who set up the stunt at the camp years ago.
We get to see Dani do things like be nice to dogs at the clinic she volunteers at, get into arguments with her sister who trends way more online than Dani herself and hang out with her friend Freddie who is an aspiring DJ.
Dani has an interview for a scholarship and decides to get dressed up fancy and go to school. Everyone notices. Also, around this time, the hot guy that Dani likes breaks up with Alexa. Everyone notices that too. Cameron, the aforementioned hot guy is now available and interested in Dani. The rest of the film is Dani making bad choices like going to parties when she shouldn’t, letting her friend Freddie down and saying things she shouldn’t in front of her boyfriend. Then, you know, making it all right again.
Watching all of that is just like watching… every teen movie ever.
There are a couple of twists and turns that are changed up just slightly enough to make this not exactly the same as all these movies but close. The hot guy who Dani has been in love with forever turns out to actually be a really nice guy and to have had a crush on Dani since prior to her getting dressed up. The guy stuck in the friend zone acts as outraged as he should for being screwed over by Dani but doesn’t go ahead and lay the bomb of being in love with her this whole time. Most of the characters are portrayed as being at least somewhat smart and caring, with the exception of Alexa and even she fakes it for a little bit (albeit to get what she wants). The parents in the film are caring and only kind of out of touch, not completely ignorant of their kids troubles. And finally, the whole thing looks like it was an attempt at being an instagram story in and of itself.
A few things definitely stuck out to me here though. I have a list.
As far as pranks go, the whole pig kissing thing seems pretty mild and I think that it would have been forgotten more or less before these people got to high school
The Alexa character literally walks into school with her dog, a bunch of cameras, and a group of friends. The principal reasonably stops her to ask what the dog is doing there to which Alexa claims it is a service dog and that the principal must hate dogs, or people who need them, and she could just tell her nine million followers about it. Yet the principal doesn’t ask for any proof it is a service dog! Sorry, but schools actually have rules about these things and if the principal had let that go like that in real life, he would have said goodbye to his job. I know, it’s dumb to complain about a fictional film being unrealistic in something like this but when it is that obvious to me, it feels like the film makers are just being lazy.
Freddie is desperate to be a DJ. He needs Dani to give him a ride but ends up two hours late because she flakes on him. He ends up getting a Lyft over there and is still two hours late. Dude, when you know you will be a little late, get your butt where you are supposed to be!!!
Dani is a smart person but is very easily swept up into the whole internet famous world and goes from a non-drinker to showing up drunk at Cameron’s important television interview. That seemed like a huge shift in character waaaaay too fast.
A disturbingly large amount of this film involves Bob’s Big Boy.
After Alexa betrayed Dani once, why would she trust her again? This makes no sense.
Speaking of Alexa, she seems like a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Why does she have friends again?
The acting in this is not bad but there are zero stand out performances and honestly after watching this, I can’t think of a single line of dialogue that sticks out to me at all.
At one point Dani runs her dad’s credit card for a $400 shoe purchase. Later her dad calmly tells her she still owes him the money. The level of parental rage portrayed over that was far, far, far below what should be reasonable expected in this situation.
This film definitely gives good reason to just quit social media but no one does it.
Basically if you have seen a movie with teenagers in it, you’ve seen this. Don’t bother wasting your time watching it. Just watch Mean Girls again instead. Also, just as a side note, Netflix could have put more money into Stranger Things or something like that but nope, they wanted to go with this garbage.
Next week I will be back with another review of what was originally a made for TV drama, Lizzie Borden Took an Ax. I don’t know where she took it to though…
It’s November and around here at Slick Dungeon’s Dusty Tomes and Terrible Films that means turkey. And boy do I have a turkey of a movie for you.
Kevin Smith is a witty and gifted film director. He has made some brilliant films that touch upon and reflect current attitudes among working people, that say important things about relationships, and usually at their heart are about friends overcoming adversity, even if that adversity is as simple as struggling through a typical work day in a boring job. Yoga Hosers accomplishes none of that.
Yoga Hosers is a spin off of the Kevin Smith project Tusk. Full disclosure I have not watched Tusk so I can’t really evaluate how this fits with that. I can tell you that Yoga Hosers is a terrible, terrible film. It lacks any charm and although there is some humor there, most of it veers off into the insanely inept.
Now, I actually like a lot of Kevin Smith films, especially his work from the nineties, including Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy. While all of those had their issues, not one of them came even close to being as much of a waste of time as Yoga Hosers.
I am going to attempt to summarize Yoga Hosers but it’s difficult to make this make sense.
There are two fifteen year old girls, both named Colleen. They work at a convenience store called the Eh-to-Zed in Canada. They are both in high school. That’s about where the plot stops making sense. These girls spend a day rocking out at their store, after which a customer is mysteriously killed. The only thing we know is that whatever killed that customer is small and crawled up his, er, you know, where the sun don’t shine.
The Colleens are unaware of this and go on their day to school, doing some yoga at a strip mall yoga place called Yogi Bayer’s, and generally doing a bunch of instagram posting or whatever.
The Colleens are asked to a party by a couple of High School Seniors. This is thrilling but the Colleens get stuck having to work and are unable to attend. So one of the Colleens calls the boy she likes and suggests they bring the party to the convenience store. Problem solved.
Only there are more problems and here’s where it gets weird. First, the two boys who come over to the convenience store try to kill the Colleen’s because they are “Really into Satan.” The Colleens are able to defend themselves with Yoga poses they learned from Yogi Bayer. Then those two boys die because more, uh, small things (I promise I will reveal what they are and you are going to think it is stupid) crawl up their respective rear ends. The Colleens are safe but now are arrested for murder. But before that happens, the Colleens are attacked by what I can only describe as, bratwurst dressed as Canadian mounties yelling in German. Yeah, you read that right.
Earlier in the film, when the Colleens (aka the Yoga Hosers) were in school they learned about a Canadian Nazi who wanted to control Canda by sending people to the Hudson river.
Also earlier in the school day this dude who wrote some book that I think must relate to something that happened in Tusk came in and interviewed the Colleens. He’s seen something supernatural before so when these bratwurst attack he has no problem believing the Colleens and springing them out of jail. But they don’t have their phones.
They go back to the convenience store in order to get changed and they discover a secret passageway. The passageway leads to this huge room which is where the Canadian Nazis were doing experiments including cryogenic freezing and cloning. So, remember those small things that were killing people? Yeah it was the bratwurst. For the rest of the film they are called Bratzis. Turns out that one of the Canadian Nazis was frozen and then made bratwurst clones to do his bidding. He spent a lot of time on Netflix to acclimate himself to current culture and now, he doesn’t exactly want to be a Nazi but more of an artist. He’s created a sculpture out of, uh, human flesh and a hockey mask. This thing can be piloted by the Bratzis. The Nazi guy wants the Colleens to take a picture of him so he can be in Them magazine and be famous. They can’t because they don’t have their phones. So instead, the Nazi orders this weird sculpture to kill all the art critics in Canada. The Colleens are able to defend themselves and stop the thing once again using Yoga. The Bratzis are stopped, the Nazi dies, the book author gets to write a new book and the Colleens are still stuck in their boring old jobs and still in High School. But they do get to sing a rendition of O Canada to take us into the credits. Also at the very end of the credits we hear the sound clip of Kevin Smith on his podcast where he first heard the term yoga hosers.
That may or may not be the weirdest film summary I have ever written but it’s right up there with one of the weirdest films I have ever seen. There are a very few funny things in this film and I am going to point them out.
Justin Long plays an awesome militant yogi and I found myself wanting to see him in way more scenes.
Jason Mewes has a cameo because, well of course he does.
Harley Quinn Smith (Kevin’s daughter) yelling I’m not even supposed to be here today was a great modern nod to Clerks and I am totally here for that.
And that’s everything good in this, period. Honestly, there was a lot in this that I straight up couldn’t figure out and it was pretty jarring. It was random and weird but not in a good way. At least Kevin has a lot of other good films going for him and those I can get on board with.
Next week I will be watching #realityhigh I bet it #reallysucks.
Hello out there on the surface world! Slick Dungeon here. I hope everyone had a great Halloween last week and no one got their faces melted by a mask with a shamrock on it. Now that the glorious month of horror is over, I am back to watching any bad movie and reading any bad book out there. For my movie review this week, I watched Barely Lethal.
I kept hearing about this movie, people telling me how bad it was and that I definitely needed to watch it. I stayed away from it for a long because, well, that title just kind of grosses me out. Worst pun for a film ever. Seriously. Title aside though, was this a terrible film?
I’m sure you could have guessed this film was stupid. What I was not aware of was that it starred Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Alba and Sophie Turner.
Before I get into the plot of this dud, Let’s think about those stars for a minute. That means Nick Fury, Sue Storm and Jean Grey all teamed up to be in a film about girls being raised to be lethally effective assassins for the government. How is this not the Black Widow movie? Really, I don’t get it.
You know what else I don’t get? Why this movie exists.
The idea of the plot is not actually that bad. A young orphan girl is trained by a government agency to be a killer but what she really wants is to have a normal life and experience high school. Sure, okay, given the right writing and acting I could buy into this.
Instead we get a montage of little kids fighting and Sam Jackson just yelling at them. They do stuff like knife skills, car chases and sparring. For the car chase a kid gets out of the car and there is literally no way she could have seen over the dash so I have no idea how she was driving.
Samuel L. Jackson spends the movie pretty much being Nick Fury but without the eye patch. He wants to hunt down Jessica Alba’s character because, uh, bad guy I guess? And Sophie Turner spends her portion of the movie as a jealous and angry rival for Megan.
During a mission to capture Jessica Alba, Megan fakes her own death and goes to live with a family as a high school exchange student. Megan did her research by watching all the nineties teen movies and seems to think that is extensive research, despite the fact that there is YouTube, Twitter and plain old Google that would give her a more modern take.
This movie then spends the next third trying to flip the old high school movie tropes on their heads. The cheerleaders are actually nice. The popular guy does like Megan right away. Of course the one they don’t change is the sort of nerdy guy in the friend zone being the right match for Megan.
Inevitably Nick Fury gets wind of where Megan is and tells her that she has to wrap up loose ends and come back to the secret compound. Megan is not cool with that because – homecoming. Yeah, it’s always a prom or a homecoming dance in these teen romances. I will say that the homecoming dance part was improved with a kung-fu fight between Megan and Sophie Turner. Also, as a side note, if you are wondering why the only character I am referring to as their character name is Megan, it’s because none of the rest of the characters were worth remembering.
The film goes on, Megan bonds with her family, she defeats her enemy, captures the bad guy, goes to homecoming, loses her date, gets her date and is allowed to live a normal life. Yay!
There are a few things that stood out to me in this film.
Dan Fogler plays a seriously disturbingly lecherous teacher towards the popular kid, Cash in this film. It was as cringe-worthy as the title and I can’t stop thinking of how gross it was because, Dan Fogler is not a minor and the popular kid, was a minor. Really gross man. Please just stick to The Walking Dead, okay Dan?
To be honest there are a few good lines in this movie but the rest was so bad, I can’t even remember them anymore.
The kid who plays the little brother in the exchange student family, was kind of awesome playing around with all of Megan’s deadly toys.
I also liked the turn around of the drunk goofus named Gooch who turns out to be a kind and sensitive guy by the end of the film.
There was a stinger at the end of the film that would imply there could be sequels to this.
Please God no.
If you want maybe the worst every double feature of people poorly portraying lethal agents, pair this one with Undercover Grandpa. They are both on Netflix so if you need to Netflix and chill, emphasis on chill, it’s a great match up.
Next week I am going to take on one of my favorite directors who just happens to have made a really bad film. Yoga Hosers watch out!
You’ve made two smash hit horror thrillers for dirt cheap money and made a fortune. These films feature an extremely relentless killer that infuses true horror on the screen. Also, these films feature a scream queen who sells the horror with every reaction she makes. What on earth should you do next? Should you make another film with those two characters? You know the ones everyone wants to see more of? Naaaaaaaaah. Who wants to do that? Instead make a film where the villains are, oddly silent androids, Stonehenge, a digital pumpkin and Halloween masks with shamrocks on them. Sold!
Happy Halloween everyone! I will say it’s just as dark here in my dungeon on Halloween as it is on any other day. Slick Dungeon back with a doozy of a bad film for ya.
I love Halloween and the Halloween film franchise is one of my favorites to dive into on this day. But you know what? They have a few stinkers in this series. For my money though, the worst of them is the one that has the least to do with the rest of them. Halloween III was almost never made because John Carpenter and Deborah Hill were tired of the films after making two of them. The only thing that really sold them on it was that this film would not star the original characters and they would be producing without too much more involvement than that.
The idea was to make this franchise into a sort of anthology series always centered around the day of Halloween. This might have made sense if they had made this film before making Halloween II but it was a bit weird for audiences to go expecting to see horror and watching this sort of science fiction, witchcraft mashup that had nothing to do with the first two films.
I think no one really went back to the idea of a good ol’ horror anthology series until the television show American Horror Story came around and pretty much did it brilliantly (not counting the season with the witches – coincidence?)
Anyway, this film stars a random doctor named Dan Challis who is disturbed by a death he witnesses outside of the hospital he works at. See there are these seriously not scary looking guys, wearing suits, who seem to be strong enough to rip heads off people’s bodies, jab their fingers deep into eye sockets and just generally look kind of menacing. Although, I guess a lot of the time, there is nothing more menacing than some old white guy in a suit, tbh. But not in fiction.
Dr. Dan, is divorced and has a couple of kids and all they want is these masks made by a particular mask company. The Shamrock novelty company masks have become all the rage, despite not looking like Mike Myers at all.
Strange things are happening though as at least one dude has been murdered while holding one of these masks. Then the guy who did the murdering went out of the hospital, sat in a car, poured gasoline all over himself and lit a match. Dr. Dan was troubled by that, especially because, the guy holding the mask told him that, “They’re gonna kill us all.”
Well, Dr. Dan being a single guy in search of a sexual harassment lawsuit, flirts around with the nurses a bit and with one of the assistants at the morgue. So naturally when the daughter of the guy who had the mask in his hand when he died shows up, Dr. Dan is all in for trying to figure out what is going on.
Ellie, the daughter, and Dan go to a small town called Santa Mira. Yes, Saint Look for anyone who is translating. So this town is famous for producing toys and novelties. The Shamrock novelty company runs the place and they have their biggest success yet with these Halloween masks. Why? They’ve been airing a relentlessly annoying but admittedly catchy Halloween commercial to try to get kids to buy these suckers. And it has worked big time. For some reason, this year, all the kids in California want one of only three masks, a pumpkin, a skeleton or a witch. No other Halloween creativity allowed! No princesses or vampires or pair of twins dressed as Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee or anything. Kids only want 3 masks and no other costumes for Halloween, this is proven scientific research!
Anyway, Ellie and Dan are there because basically a series of clues tells them that Ellie’s father was last spotted in this town. Not only that but he has sold some of these masks and should have had a supply in his car but his car seems to be missing.
Right away after the good Doc and Ellie get to town, the owner of the Shamrock Novelty company shows up and acts seriously suspicious. I mean we all know he’s the bad guy right? Spoiler he is.
Most of the folks in Santa Mira (St. Look) are employed by this guy, enamored of him, or deathly afraid of him. At night a bum who spoke with Dan for a few minutes gets his head straight up ripped off his neck because he said bad things about ol’ Mr. Cochran.
There’s another family visiting who sold a bunch of these masks and is super excited to see this factory. Well, Dan and Ellie don’t want to look suspicious so they say that they are married. This gives them a great excuse to hook up in the hotel room later. Despite being warned that people are watching and listening everywhere, Dan makes a phone call to the morgue worker from earlier and finds out that in the car fire, there have been no human remains found which is pretty odd.
This Cochran guy gives everyone a tour of his creepy factory, which is waaaaay less creepy than the Willie Wonka Chocolate Factory tour and incidentally has fewer deaths than ol’ Willie served up.
Still, Cochran captures Dan as well as Ellie, but I guess Cochran is kinda sexist because he takes Ellie away and gives Dan the grand tour. Dan gets to see a big room with, uh, Stonehenge? (Checks notes: yes Stonehenge.) Stonehenge in it. Plus a whole bunch of computers. Dan is in for a demonstration! Lucky guy. He watches as the kid from that overly excited family puts on his mask, watches another of those annoying commercials and then the kid’s face melts and he turns into snakes, spiders and other creepy crawly things. Yeah, I don’t know how that works either.
That whole family gets toasted but Cochran is not the kind of guy to follow through with stuff, so he lets Dan live for, reasons. After he explains that he imported Stonehenge (Checks notes: yes still Stonehenge) to a small town in California without anyone noticing and that he is going to kill all the kids because, “The planets are in alignment.” Yeah, good a reason as any I guess?
Of course, Dan gets free, gets Ellie, breaks out of this factory after messing up a bunch of the computers that do, uh stuff. Oh, and figures out that those dudes in suits are robots. (Checks notes: yes robots) Robots that are definitely not programmed with the three laws of robotics. Dan puts it together that he has got to stop this commercial from airing or there’s gonna be a lot less kids and a lot more spiders and stuff because, Cochran is doing, uh, witchcraft. I guess that’s why this is the “season of the witch”?
But we’re all waiting for the twist here because ever since Dan got Ellie back she has not said a word. Instead she waits until he is driving and then tries to kill him. She’s a robot now! Or there is a robot that looks like her now? Or there is a witchcraft powered robot of her now? Err, Ellie is bad now, but not smart enough to kill Dan before he got in the car when he could cause a crash and stop her.
Dan does manage to get to a phone (see how useful cell phones can be?) and dials the networks to try to get them to stop this commercial from airing. If they get to the last screen of the digital pumpkin, we are all doomed because, uh, Stonehenge, robots, witchcraft, computers, and digital pumpkins. (Checks notes: yes, Stonehenge, robots witchcraft, computers, and digital pumpkins) For the first two channels, the commercials go off the air but the third station (imagine only three freaking television stations! What would we all do with our time?!) is slow to act and we see the last bit of the digital pumpkin…
I assume all kids in California are snakes and spiders now. Or maybe Stonehenge witchcraft robots. Whatever, this Halloween some jerk will probably just put a full sized candy bar on top of their inflatable Minions costume anyway so it’s all the same right?
A couple things baffle me about this film that I want to point out.
Why would this guy need to freaking move Stonehenge for his stuff to work? Also, if the planets are aligning for this, doesn’t Stonehenge need to be in the right place for it to work?
Like I said before, why would kids only want 3 kinds of masks for Halloween. No chance man. Kids are much more creative than that.
These androids have been going around killing people for months and no one has noticed until a week before Halloween? Really?
Dr. Dan seems to be a terrible husband, doctor, and father. Do we have to like this guy? I guess so because he doesn’t want all the dead kids and a bunch of other people are cool with that.
In this movie there are some indications that Halloween is fiction. We see a commercial for it, and there’s a mask in the background. So uh, what exact place is this? Is this real? Let me check and see if Stonehenge is still there or not.
It’s still there, we’re good.
Also, and I cannot stress this enough, bring back Michael Myers and Laurie Strode!!!!!
Oh, wait, okay, Halloween III: Season of the Witch did poorly at the box office and John Carpenter and Debra Hill want more money? Phew, we’re good.
In conclusion, Happy Halloween everyone. Stay safe out there. Avoid all masks with Shamrock logos on them, all old white guys in suits who seem like androids, all old guy factory owners who talk about,”Planets in alignment”, and all annoying commercials ending with digital pumpkins.
Next week I will be back with another bad movie review that has nothing to do with horror at all. Barely Lethal here I come!
Hi out there constant readers. I know I am not the only Stephen King fan around. People sometimes ask me what his most terrifying creature is. Could it be a cosmic killer clown? A haunted car? A haunted hotel? Well, to all of those things you might say, that’s just made up stuff, it doesn’t scare me. Okay then, how about a human being who is just completely bonkers and dangerous. Pretty sure those exist.
Today you get psycho fan horror!
Ouch, my ankles need a rest after that.
So what horror do I have for you tomorrow? Well, I am not going to say but after all this indoor time, I think we need to be ready for some camping!
What’s up party people? Err, actually what’s up people reading my blog quietly to yourselves. It’s Slick Dungeon back with a review for an exceptionally stupid movie, Leprechaun 5: In the Hood.
I can hear the protests now. Why would I review a movie about a leprechaun in the middle of the month of October? Shouldn’t I have saved this for St. Patrick’s Day? To this I answer, much like the underprivileged neighborhoods depicted in this film, leprechauns just don’t get enough screen time as a general rule. I’m here to correct that. Leprechauns can be terrifying. But not this one.
This isn’t supposed to be terrifying anyway. No, this is a nonfictional film that is an excellent instructional video on how to have a hip-hop music career. Follow these instructions and you too can be just like Postmaster P. and launch a big rap career in Las Vegas. It gets a little complicated though, so pay close attention here.
Step 1: Let Ice-T (aka Mac Daddy) and a buddy go on a quest somewhere and find a statue of a leprechaun wearing a gold chain. Next to the leprechaun is a pot of gold containing many treasures and in particular a tiny golden flute.
Step 2: Let Ice-T do some of his most astounding acting work and obtain the pipe, and then watch his buddy die but somehow accidentally put the magic gold chain that was on the leprechaun back on him, thus freezing him in place.
Step 3: Make sure Mac Daddy is dumb enough to not only take the pipe but also the leprechaun with him to display in a glass case at his house where everyone can see it.
Step 4: Form a rap group where you are trying to break through in Compton and make sure that you want to deliver “positive messages”, thus explaining the P in your moniker Postmaster P. Harp on being “positive” throughout the film despite the fact that only one rap song you do doesn’t involve guns or killing or degrading women and/or Jesus.
Step 5: Randomly bump into Mac Daddy in the neighborhood, give him a demo tape, go to his home, see his treasure and the leprechaun that is on display in a glass case. Get rejected because you want to stay positive.
Step 6: Definitely break into Mac Daddy’s house, knowing he has a tendency towards violence. When he comes home before you finish stealing from him, be sure to shoot him. Also make sure you break the glass case with the leprechaun in it and remove the gold chain. This will revive the leprechaun. I cannot stress to you how important this step is to your music career. You must free an evil leprechaun or no record deal for sure.
Step 7: Make sure your bullet only hit the leprechaun gold chain that Mac Daddy wears, thus saving his life. You will need him later.
Step 8: Go on the run, hiding in homes in your own neighborhood, so that you can make sure to show up for the local rap competition so that you can go to Las Vegas. Mac Daddy is definitely not going to figure out that you would show up at the local rap competition even though you gave him a demo tape of rap music.
Step 9: While on the run, be sure to do an impromptu rap show. When you do the rap show, blow on the little golden flute. And now, this is important and you must listen here. When you blow on the flute, do not move your fingers or cover the holes at all like any rational flute player would do. Just hold it to your mouth and look towards the camera as if you knew there would be dubbed flute music and no one will notice that even though the notes are changing you are not doing anything whatsoever to make actual flute music happen.
Step 10: Get a big crowd at this show because everyone was hypnotized with the flute.
Step 11: Let your host/hostess/drag queen get murdered by the leprechaun
Step 12: Run away from the leprechaun.
Step 13: Go to a church? (Checks notes) yes, go to a church. The preacher will ask you to perform a church song, knowing full well that you are a hip-hop act and not a gospel act. Start by singing a terrible song. Then play the pipe by holding it still again without any finger work and get everyone to love your terrible song.
Step 14: Run around town again for a bit, run into Mac Daddy and the leprechaun here or there. Let one of your buddies get killed by the leprechaun in an off screen sort of way. Prior to this the leprechaun will have killed random people you interacted with for no apparent reason and also pretty much off screen.
Step 15: After all this carnage, realize that you just gotta have this flute to make it big, your talent is not enough.
Step 16: Go to the rap competition, use the flute. But no finger work on the flute. Get noticed by a record label executive who want to send you to Las Vegas but doesn’t give you any information other than to show up at the airport. Trust that this guy is telling the truth. Let some girls in for an after party. Realize that the girls have become hypnotized by the leprechaun and run out the place.
Step 17: Realize the leprechaun is not going to give up and kind of has a tendency to not only speak in limericks but get kind of murder-y to people around you. Have your buddy read Leprechauns for Dummies.
Step 18: Your buddy will get the idea to give the leprechaun some weed with crushed up four leaf clovers in it. Definitely don’t see your friend find the clovers and just trust that he somehow got them. These clovers, if smoked by the leprechaun will temporarily take away his powers so you can, um I guess get on a flight to Las Vegas?
Step 19: Decide that the best way to deliver the lethal clovers is to cross dress to get close to the leprechaun. Then, give it to him, watch him pass out, see that Mac Daddy is still back and still wants that flute he stole, Let your buddy get killed. Shoot Mac Daddy several times. Be there long enough so that the leprechaun comes out of his weakened state. Let Mac Daddy get back up even though he has been shot full of more holes than Swiss cheese. Let Mac Daddy try to stop the leprechaun with that bullet stopping gold chain. When Mac Daddy dies the chain will somehow fly way up in the air, despite the fact it was held at a low angle to the ground when he was killed.
Step 20: Make sure that the chain didn’t land on the leprechaun because now you and he are rockin’ it hip-hop fashion in Vegas together. That’s right, you and the leprechaun are now homies. Sorry, it’s gotta be that way or you can’t have three women in gold dresses as your backup singers and dancers. Plus let the leprechaun come out with his own rhymes, claiming himself to the be “the true O.G”
There you have it. Instant fame, fortune and success in twenty steps. You’re welcome.
Next week is the week of Halloween so I will be reviewing everyone’s favorite (least favorite?) so bad it’s good, Halloween film Halloween III. You know the one that doesn’t have Luarie Strode or Michael Meyers. Great decision guys….
The home buyer’s market can be a nightmare. No I mean it can be a literal nightmare. Don’t invest in property where there was an ancient burial ground or there was a recent murder or rumored demonic possession. It’s just a money loser guaranteed.
Today you get Haunted House horror!
Ah Amityville, where the walls like to turn red. Hey, don’t worry, if the house doesn’t work out, you can always stay at this cozy little hotel I heard of called The Overlook.
What horror do I have for you tomorrow? I don’t want to spoil the surprise but I am pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.
We’ve made it to the 20th day of October. The frights are sure to keep coming with intensity for the rest of the month.
Speaking of the number 20, for more than 20 years people have been trying, and failing, to kill the nameless void that is Michael Myers. The first Halloween movie is still one of the few slasher films that has a bit of class to it.
How do you make a successful horror franchise? Take a small budget, have a relentless killer and have that killer spend the entire night trying to kill teenagers. That recipe never fails.
Today you get Slasher horror!
What horror waits to jump at you from the shadows tomorrow? I am not going to tell you but I hope your home insurance is paid up.
If there is one type of horror that actually can creep me out on occasion it’s what we would call body horror. Alien has terrified people for generations because of body horror. The Human Centipede consistently creeps everyone out. But today I give you the granddaddy of them all.
With Donald Sutherland’s memorable performance, this movie set the bar for body horror. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is still creepy whether you think it’s about communism, consumerism, or you know, just aliens.
Today you get Body horor!
What horror do I have for you tomorrow? Well, I could put my face through a door and tell you, but let’s just see if you can shine it out.
Hey out there to all you clowns not trapped in a dungeon watching terrible films! It’s Slick Dungeon here and I’m back with another very odd film review.
I get a lot of people asking me for particular types of movies. What film has the most innovative camerawork of all time? I would say, Touch of Evil or Rope or maybe even Inception. What film has the best space battle sequence of all time? Anything Star Wars. What might be the greatest film of all time? Again Star Wars but in serious contention would be Citizen Kane and Casablanca.
But Slick, what film has a resurrected clown scooping out someone’s brains with an ice cream scoop while a whole house party is singing (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight?
Can’t tell you how often I get asked that but if I had a penny for every time I was asked it, I would have a number of pennies. At any rate, the answer is Stitches.
This film is out and out bonkers, no two ways about it. I guess I could see how it might be kind of scary if you really were truly afraid of clowns. The film has about the only real excuse I have seen for having coulrophobia.
The main character, Tommy, is having his seventh birthday party. It’s pretty obvious from a quick look around at these kids that they are a bunch of messed up jerks, possibly Tommy excluded.
Stitches is a clown and from the first scene where he is smoking and engaged in uh… adult activities with a woman, it’s pretty clear he’s not a very good clown.
Stitches arrives to Tommy’s party and starts into his routine. The kids give him hell for it and Stitches is only half giving it a go anyway. It’s clear no one wants to be there. Well, needless to say, Stitches ends up falling onto a knife sticking up in an open dishwasher, which goes straight through his eye. He is somehow able to stand up, knife in his head and all, he pulls the thing out in front of Tommy and blood gushes all over the kid. Then Stitches tries to stab Tommy but because some of Tommy’s jerk friends had tied Stitches shoelaces together, the clown slips. Once the clown lands the knife flails through the air and lands exactly where it started, in Stitches eye.
I can’t tell you how many parties I have been to where that exact thing happened. Okay, to be fair, I won’t tell you. Also, who in their freaking right mind would ever put a knife into a dishwasher BLADE UP?! This whole movie is about Stitches coming after these kids six years later, but I have to wonder why he didn’t want to off Tommy’s mom. What kind of stupid idea was that?
Okay sorry, back to the summary. Right after the clown is buried in a graveyard that is conveniently close to Tommy’s house. Tommy can’t resist checking in on ol’ Stitches and he finds an evil cult of clowns performing a ritual. The head evil clown tells Tommy that a clown can never rest if he doesn’t finish his act and that the jokes are never as funny the second time round.
Fact check: True.
Tommy also finds out that there is an egg painted like Stitches’ make up.
Fast forward six years and Tommy is on major meds, has plenty of hallucinations and by the way all those kids who were at the party are also screwed up in one way or another.
Tommy’s mom is away for his birthday and so he decides to have a few friends over for the first time since that last party. It turns into your typical teenage party. I’ve seen enough horror films to know that being a teenager and going to a party just means tons of people are going to end up dead. We all see this coming right?
Yeah so Stitches is magically resurrected and goes through killing most of the kids in ways that they might have deserved if they hadn’t been, you know, little kids, at the time of the first party. Tommy figures out what is going on, no one believes him, and more people die.
Eventually people do believe Tommy, especially the one girl who was nice to him at his first party, Kate. Kate and Tommy have to elude the clown, find the egg and destroy it and poof, there goes Stitches.
Lots of gore happens first, including intestines pulled, decapitations, the aforementioned ice cream scooping, and a head inflated like a balloon until it pops. You know, the usual stuff you see at most parties.
In the end, Tommy and Kate do find the egg, cause Stitches to fall on it, it cracks and yokes go everywhere, then Stitches dies again.
You know what bugged me most about this whole entire movie? Like the one thing where I was like, no freaking way? The egg, when Stitches falls on it breaks as if it was just taken out of the refrigerator. Even if Stitches had made this egg on the day of Tommy’s party that would be six years ago. Why wouldn’t they have hard boiled it?! That makes no sense at all! But anyway it kills Stitches and Tommy and at leas two of his friends are safe.
Or are they? We get to see that cult clown gluing Stitches egg shells back together, so I guess sequel is coming?
Forget Rotten Tomatoes, this one was a rotten egg. I’ll spare you all my egg puns.
Stitches was a very bad clown and a worse movie but if you want to see some weird clown related gore, this is your go to film.
The only way to top a killer clown is a killer leprechaun. Next week I will be back to review the fifth film in the Leprecchaun 5: In the Hood. The title alone tells me this will be some amazing film making.
What’s going on out there on the surface? I assume you are all enjoying October. It’s the fourteenth day already and I sure hope you have consumed enough pumpkin spice to fill your appetite for the moment.
What kind of horror do I have for you today? In the possibility of infinite universes I assume this is definitely real. I give you outer space clown horror!
These guys are not actually clowns. They are aliens who just happen to look exactly like clowns, only, you know bigger.
What horrors await you tomorrow? I can’t say but I hope you have brushed up on your sentence diagrams!
What horror comes out of the ground and rises again and again no matter how many times you try to kill it? Zombies! Everyone’s favorite undead creatures keep coming back, unless you put something right through their ol’ noggins. But what kind of walking dead is the best kind? Fast zombies, slow zombies, original zombies? My vote is graphic novel zombies!
Today you get zombie horror! Even if you are bored of the show, read the book, it’s freaking brilliant!
What horrors are coming your way tomorrow? I can’t say but it will sing a catchy tune, that’s for sure!
Who’s the man who is, umm… lots of men actually? Not Frankenstein, because that is just the guy who sewed up the parts. But Frankenstein’s monster is more like it! There’s been a ton of horror stories about humanity going too far in it’s pursuit of better living through science. But the best one, and the one that people are still remaking (Jurassic Park is pretty much Frankenstein but with dinosaurs) is and always will be Mary Shelley’s beloved classic Frankenstein.
While Boris Karloff made a career out of playing the monster, the book is a thousand times better than any filmed adaptation. But still, I dare you to think of anyone but Boris as a better monster.
Today you get Frankenstein’s monster horror!
What might come up out of the grave to horrify you tomorrow? I can’t say but it sure walks a lot!
Not all horror comes in the form of films or books or even campfire stories. Sometimes they come from the kitchen! What do you give to a person who just barely survived a terrifying night, running away from a deranged slasher serial killer? I can only think of one thing. Cake!
Today you get cake horror! Now doesn’t that cake just say it all?
What horrors might jump out of your cupboard next? You should know by now that I am not telling. But I can give you a clue, it’s some assembly required.
Well hello out there internet people, it’s Slick Dungeon coming to you from deep underground. I’m here in my dungeon and I am stuck watching some really strange stuff. This week I watched the eighties classic Chopping Mall.
First off, if you are one of those folks who was born well after the 1980’s and you decide to have an 80’s party, stop with all the day glow neon and headbands and stuff. Educate yourselves by watching movies like Chopping Mall, where the filmmakers were on a tight budget and I am pretty sure wardrobe was bring your own clothes with you. The fashion is still bad and it’s a lot more accurate. So many mullets and feathered hairdos I lost count!
Anyway, I think I was supposed to review this thing right? Yeah, okay so I thought based on the title that this was going to about a serial killer who hung out in a mall and chopped people up. Nope! This is about killer robots that go bad and shoot lasers, electrocute and strangle people. There was, and I mean this literally, no chopping, in Chopping Mall. Not one person that died was chopped.
Still, this movie is so awkward it’s kind of awesome. For those of you not acquainted with it, the film takes place in a mall. Well, duh. A group of friends decide to have a party in the mall after hours where they drink, have sex and dance to some heavily synthecized eighties music. I guess no one’s house was available? Anyway the film tries to blur the line and make sure you know these are adults while still sort of implying they have curfews as if they were teenagers.
Anyway, these people having their party did not count on a lightning storm happening outside. Because you know what happens when there is a lightning storm? You got it, it hits the mainframe computer and normal robots go crazy. Just ask Short Circuit. But in this case, instead of a military robot turning nice, these brand new security robots turn into lethal death machines. There are only three of them because, budget.
The party people get locked in with these rolling bots and have to fight for their lives. The first couple are taken down in no time at all because, they don’t realize the robots have gone bad. Why the heck the rest of them keep splitting up is totally beyond me. Never split the party!
The guys gear up with all kinds of guns that can only be found in and American mall and the girls try sneaking around in the air ducts. The air ducts seemed like the best choice to me because it leads to the parking lot but the girls don’t stay there because it gets hot and claustrophobic. The boys, meanwhile find the first of the robots. Right before that one of the guys says the best line in the whole film, “Let’s send these f—–s a Rambo-gram!” Rambo-gram, I like it. I think I will use it for my social media platform idea of bringing over-steroided actors together with survivors of killer robot incidents. Watch out Mark Zuckerberg, Slick’s on the loose!
Despite the fact that no mall would have loaded and filled propane tanks, the guys set one out in front of the robot and blast it away. Explosion ensues and the robot seemingly dies. Until it gets up like we all knew it would. But that doesn’t happen for a few scenes.
One by one these people make the dumbest mistakes. Like not getting out of the way when a robot is in front of them. Or not sticking obstacles in front of the robots since they only kind of roll around. These robots would be toast anywhere with stairs but lucky for them — escalators.
They also use mannequins as decoys but then stand to the side of the mannequins to shoot. What a bunch of morons!
They figure out that maybe they should shut down the main computer and try to make their way to the third level. They basically get picked off one by one trying to do that.
At one point a guy shoots a robot eight times with a six shot revolver without ever reloading. Another time, a woman hangs off the side of a balcony and her hands move to different rungs without her ever actually moving herself up or down. Also, none of the bullets ever pierce a propane tank but they all explode when shot at.
Long story short they mostly die but do manage to take down the robots. The only ones who live in the end are the two people who never wanted to go to the party in the first place. To which I say, that’s why I don’t go to parties!!!
The two that live will seemingly have a nice long life but boy are they going to have to explain a lot to the police when they show up.
A few things about this film before I go though.
Who in their right minds thinks it’s a good idea to have doors that lock down a mall with no possible way of unlocking it for an entire night? That has to be a fire code violation right?
Did you know this mall is the same one used in the Arnold Schwarzeneggar cheesefest that is Commando? Well, now you do.
Every time the robots kill someone they say, “Thank you and have a nice day.” I hate it when people say that to me on a normal day, but after you kill me? Forget it!
The most awesome part of this whole movie is that the pet store is named Roger’s Little Shop of Pets. This is a callback to Roger Corman’s TheLittle Shop of Horrors. This is relevant because Chopping Mall was produced by Corman’s wife Julie. Don’t get confused here, The Little Shop of Horrors is not the musical Little Shop of Horrors. It’s the film the musical was based on!
I had to wonder if the people who designed the killer robots for Robocop watched Chopping Mall and thought, those treads on those robots look totally stupid, let’s give ours legs that will fall over easily!
Finally, and I mean this most sincerely of all, who thinks it’s a good idea to have a party in a mall?!?!?!?!? Seriously man, what the heck?
I’ll be back next week to review a film about a killer clown. No not that one. No not that one either, those were aliens not clowns. Yeah, you got it, Stitches!
A lot of us go around in life feeling like freaks. Not that many of us actually are. I mean, I am perfectly normal other than the fact that I fell into a dungeon with nothing but bad books and movies to review. A dungeon that happens to have a surprisingly strong WiFi connection. Well, that and my dapper top hat and cane of course, they are freakishly stylistic. But you know who are freaks? The stars of 1932’s film classic, Freaks!
Today you get freakish horror! If you have not scene this fascinating film, drop everything and become, “One of us. One of us.”
What horrors are waiting to peek around the corner at you tomorrow? I won’t tell you but it will be delicious!
Slick Dungeon here again. It’s October and we are celebrating everything horror related. Today we pay homage to the best of the best scream queens. And no I do not mean the television show. I’m talking about the originals, Janet Leigh who broke it open with the most famous shower scene in all of film history and her daughter Jamie Lee Curtis who absolutely perfected screaming on screen with the classiest of the slashiest films Halloween.
Today you get screaming horror!
What horrors are coming your way tomorrow? I can’t say but it will be freakish!
Welcome back to the dungeon. When I think of horror, all the classic monster books and movies come to my mind. But there is one book that has undeniably been fascinating and scaring us for more than two hundred years. The one and only Dracula.
Today you get Classic horror!
If you have never read this classic, drop everything and go out and do it now!
What horrors await you tomorrow? I could whisper it to you, but I won’t because it’s going to be a scream.
How did we already get to the fourth day of October? I gotta tell ya, in case you haven’t figured it out, I love October. I love horror and I seriously enjoy being scared. I know, probably should have that conditioned checked professionally right? But anyway, there is only one man in America who has scared people consistently for decades and shows zero signs of stopping.
Today you get literary horror! Stephen King is the absolute master. Although I would like to point out some of his books are not horror related at all and remain brilliant.
Just look at that face! He could scare a killer clown!
What horrors await you tomorrow? I can’t say but it’s gonna be classic
You know what I love when it comes to truly, horrifying, bloody and tragic tales? Dancing and singing!
Today you get Broadway Horror!
Lift your razor high Sweeney!
Also, let’s not have any more of that Johnny Depp tomfoolery. The only way to truly appreciate this master musical is to see it performed live in front of you.
Also, if you happen to be in the market for a gently used, trick barber chair, lightly stained with buckets of blood, I know where you can get it. Just above the best pie shop in London (used to be the worst) on Fleet Street circa early 19th century. Get it now while the gettin’s good!
What horrors await you tomorrow?
I don’t want to spill the nuclear waste but let’s just say, it’s toxic.
Hey all you twisted individuals who actually read my blog. Count yourselves proudly amongst the people who have gotten this blog all the way into double digits! I am kicking off October with 31 days of horror. I’ll post something horror or horror related each day. Today you get, Pumpkin horror!
“You didn’t tell me you were gonna kill it!” – Linus
Wise words from a wise man. What horrors await you tomorrow?
Well, that’s the play And he wouldn’t want us to give it away
Hey all you lovely homo sapiens out there. It’s time once again for your old friend Slick Dungeon to take you through a mystical, magical, maze of wonderment at just how bad cinema can be. So you want to watch an Oscar contender instead? Pffft. Booooring. It’s the really bad movies that are interesting. Well most of them. Sometimes. Not this one though…
Last week I reviewed Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Why? Because it came up in a segment on James Cordon’s show. James immediately mentioned that he also was in a terrible movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers. So first, a word to the wise. If you are looking for this movie, it might be titled just Vampire Killers. Apparently the use of the word Lesbian in the title isn’t cool with all platforms so they removed it. However. don’t confuse it with the actual film, The FearlessVampire Killers from 1967 directed by Roman Polanski. It’s not the same movie at all.
For James Cordon’s movie I had a lot of trouble prior to watching this, just because I wondered about the title. Are they Lesbian vampire killers? That is lesbians who are vampire killers. Or are they Lesbianvampire killers? That is, lesbian vampires who kill. Or are they Lesbian vampire killers? That is, killers who kill lesbian vampires. The answer? Mostly yes. There are no lesbians who are vampire killers in this movie. But there are lesbian vampires and there are killers who kill the lesbian vampires. Got all that? Good cause I am not going through it again.
This film is set in merry old England around 2009. At the beginning though, we get one of those cool narration scenes where there is a British guy talking and telling us about the horrible, horrible monster that was defeated centuries ago. In a lot of movies this can be pretty cool. In this one, it was pretty dull. There was a vampire and she seduced some baron’s wife and then he finds this sword and he kills her with it. But the vampire (Carmilla by name) gives a curse on this guy’s bloodline. It was very rambly and I think mostly a reason to show women posing in ridculously silly vampire poses while topless.
Forward to today and we get to meet our heroes of the film. These are Jimmy, played by Mathew Horne and Fletch played by the one and only, singing and dancing late night British television comedian who now lives in Los Angeles, James Cordon.
Jimmy and Fletch are best buddies. Jimmy is heartbroken because his on again off again girlfriend Judy has made it clear that she is ready for off again. Jimmy and Fletch drink the night away and try to think of an adventure to keep Jimmy distracted. They don’t have a lot of money and don’t know where to go so the obvious drunken solution is to toss a dart at a map and then go hiking to that destination.
Jimmy hits on the little town of Craigswitch. Lucky for us, this is the exact same town where Carmilla stalked her prey centuries before. So we know that one of these guys, probably Jimmy, because Fletch seems like the sidekick type, is the last of that baron guy’s bloodline and you know it’s gonna hit the fan when they get there.
They hike for about two whole minutes, Fletch carrying nothing but beer and condoms, and make it to their destination. This is a little creepy town that looks like it is stuck in the middle ages. Nevertheless, the people at the pub are very friendly to ol’ Jimmy and Fletch cause, well, we all know that there must be lesbian vampires around who want to suck some blood. And we all know that Jimmy and Fletch are probably just an appeasement to the vampires. (Checks notes: yep, that’s what they were) But of course these guys are our guys so we don’t want them to die.
Here’s what happens that night. First, a van full of vaguely Swedish hippies get stranded when their van breaks down. Guess what inn these women end up needing to go to? Yup, the same one that Fletch and Jimmy are staying at. Fletch is super interested in all the women and Jimmy is getting over heartbreak by finding some common ground with Lotte. She’s there because she knows all about the legend of Carmilla and wants to check this stuff out for herself.
So like any good horror film, there’s a party with beer and women and then one by one, the women leave, get picked off by lesbian vampires, turn into lesbian vampires and then come back to kill their friends. Okay, maybe not like any good horror film, just most of them.
Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte and the rest of the women who are not yet vampires agree this situation is not great. They do kill a couple of the vampires who after death seem to just ooze some kind of goo. Not blood, and it really looked like the film makers decided they just were gonna save on the cost of coloring the goo and use the rest of the money to, I dunno, pay more women to be topless in this movie?
Needless to say, all the non-essential characters get turned, leaving Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte and this Vicar who is from the town to strike down these vampires. And the only way to stop it for good? Mix Jimmy’s blood (because he is the last of that baron guy’s line) with Lotte’s blood (because she is a virgin) and this will bring Carmilla back, at which point, they can use a sword that is buried with the baron to kill Carmilla. You might ask, why that would work, as Fletch himself asks. The vicar’s answer? It just does. Fair enough.
They go through the night, fight the vampires, get the sword, Jimmy gets Lotte, Fletch gets to complain, the vicar gets dead, and at the end they decide to take the show on the road and permanently become, Lesbian Vampire Killers. Yay!
Yeah okay, so there are two jokes in this film that almost make it worth watching. First, at one point, Lotte tells Jimmy that the vampires who are outside the inn can’t get them because they have to be invited. To which Jimmy says, “It’s not like I am gonna say, come on in Lesbian vampires”. At which point, of course the vampires enter. Second, there is a point where the Vicar tells Fletch to stick with him because he knows a lot about vampire lore. Like that they need to be staked through the heart etc. And then Fletch is like, “Literally everybody knows that. It’s common knowledge, in books, film, television.” That made me laugh.
This is supposed to be a horror comedy. Does it succeed as a horror? Horribly bad maybe. Comedy? Not very funny. Most of James Cordon’s lines I can’t even repeat because they are just all about sex. And not like in an actually funny way.
At least James can acknowledge that this film is bad. And honestly, between the Bill Maher disaster of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and Lesbian Vampire Killers, I gotta go with the lesbian vampire killers. Dimension films, which made this thing has a long history of making some pretty bad decisions and this is right up there.
I do think James Cordon is right, over Bill Maher’s comments on fat shaming and I do think James’ bad movie is better than Bill’s movie. But they are both profoundly bad films. So if you are trying to decide who has better judgement here, the answer is, none of them. Not the people who gave the green light to these movies, not the people who were in them and definitely not the people who directed these abominations. And absolutely not the people who currently have late night talk shows.
Speaking of abominations, next week we begin my favorite fall pastime. Nope, not drinking pumpkin spice latte. Nope, not watching football on television. Nope, not raking leaves. Yep, I am talking about watching really, really bad horror films.
For all of next month, everything, and I mean everything, no exceptions, on Slick Dungeon’s blog is going to be horror or Halloween theme related (book reviews excepted).
Next Monday I am kicking off the month of horror with the how did anyone miss this 1986 film, Chopping Mall. Let the blood spilling begin!
Last week Bill Maher proved himself to be a giant blowhole when he encouraged the public shaming of people who happen to be overweight. Now, you might call that a lapse in judgement or an opinion that might need revising upon further consideration. You might say, that a person might reasonably make the statements Bill Maher made and think that he makes some good points about health and that what is really needed is his attitude to adjust because Bill is a smart guy. But if you think that, I encourage you to take a minute and look at his entire career. Because no matter what you think of what Bill said last week, only a completely moronic person would intentionally choose to star in Cannibal Women in the Avocado of Death. And that is exactly what Bill Maher chose to do.
I suspect that you can tell from the title that this film sucks. Yet, if you were not sure, let’s add in the fact that the big co-star of this film was Shannon Tweed. If you don’t know who that is you are probably not in the KISS army. Shannon is married to Gene Simmons of KISS. From that you can probably tell that her judgement is not the best. Even with these stars who were around the Z list at the time, the movie would have gotten no better if we had Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan playing the respective leads.
I tortured my own eyes for ninety minutes of this thing and I will never get that time back. The, I don’t know if you can call it one, plot of this film is so stupid that I find it hard to summarize here but I am gonna give it a shot.
We start off with two guys walking around what can only be described as a forest not a jungle. They seem to be lost until they find an avocado on a string. One guy goes to grab it, at which point there is unnecessary nudity and a bunch of women wearing bikinis shoot arrows at the guy and then promptly tie up the second guy who is too stupid to even run away.
Next we find out there is an avocado shortage in the United States of America and the military must do something about it. What can they do? Well, there is an avocado jungle in the middle of most of California. We know this from a map that a military guy shows. We can tell it is a jungle because it is made of straight green lines and says Avocado Jungle on it. This guy is talking to Shannon Tweed aka Dr. Margo Hunt. See, she is a prominent ethnographer and professor of feminist studies at some university. The problem with this jungle is that in the jungle there are cannibal feminist women there. The military threw tons of resources at taking the jungle, including heavy weaponry, tanks etc. The problem was that the women fought back with sticks and spears and the modern military had no idea how to deal with that. The proof? At the edge of the jungle they found dog tags covered in… guacamole. Have I mentioned this is supposed to be a comedy, I think? Anyway none of the jokes ever land in this thing.
So naturally the military think that maybe it takes a feminist to catch a feminist. They let Dr. Hunt know that another famous feminist has gone missing after attempting to go into this jungle. This convinces Dr. Hunt to not only go into the jungle but also to take one of her students, Bunny. Bunny is a home economics major considering becoming a feminist. She can’t seem to decide between wanting to have a husband and bake or becoming the first female president of the United States.
Off they go, after a really dumb visual joke implying that women can’t drive. What’s the joke? The line on the map heading toward the jungle circles in ridiculous directions. They finally end up in San Bernadino which is apparently the last stop of civilization before this jungle. Err… I have driven all the way to San Diego before and you know what? THERE. IS. NO. JUNGLE. THERE. I know, I should calm down, this is just a joke but oh my God this movie is stupid.
As if that was not dumb enough, Dr. Hunt and Bunny decide to stop in a bar and look for a guide to take them deep into the jungle. A Rambo type, a ninja and a pro-wrestler offer services until they find out where Dr. Hunt wants to go. Then they all chicken out. What Dr. Hunt really needs is a man’s man. Who is that? Bill Maher. Yeah. No kidding. This is the guy this film chooses to portray the most stereotypical aspects of masculinity. Bill freaking Maher. That is only one of the billion reasons this movie is so stupid.
Anyway, of course Bill aka Jim goes because Dr, Hunt and Bunny have no other options. Next we have to spend an uncomfortably long time hearing about how men should behave and how women should behave as they basically meander through dry areas of Southern California that will look familiar to anyone who has ever lived there, driven there, or seen a single movie set in Southern California.
At one point they come across a village of men who live apart from the avocado women and get along by knitting and giving these things to the avocado women so they won’t get eaten by the feminists. Yeah, I am not making this crap up.
So Bill Maher being the prototypical male that he is, digs out a whole bunch of beer and teaches these guys “how to be men”. “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.” – Homer Simpson, poet and philosopher.
Next thing you know these guys are catcalling Bunny and asking if she wants to ride in their corvettes. In my humble opinion, Jim wasn’t teaching guys how to be men. He was teaching them to be jerkwads who should just shut up.
Finally we come across the cannibal women and their temple. You know what their temple looks like? Exactly what I would imagine the back side of the building used for the university looked like. And yeah, we all saw this coming, the feminist who was missing is now the leader of the avocado women. Why? From what I can understand, she didn’t want to go on David Letterman anymore. Yeah, that was the joke. No, it wasn’t funny at all. Not even like dad joke funny, these jokes were just stupid.
These women immediately want to cook Jim and Bunny wants to join the avocado women because they get to wear cute outfits. Just to mention, these outfits are completely impractical bikinis, that sort of resemble jungle leaves that you would not find in a forest which is where this is filmed.
Bunny can’t kill Jim because she is in love with him. Dr. Hunt escapes and finds a rival group of cannibal women who hate the avocado women. Why do they hate them? They want to eat the men with clam sauce instead of guacamole. Yeah…
Dr. Hunt ends up fighting with the missing feminist, using weapons that would never have shown up in a jungle. Dr. Hunt kills her adversary but not before finding out that the military has a plan to get all the avocado women to come to Malibu (which is in the middle of where the jungle is shown on the California map if you know anything about California geography) where they will be brain washed with spa treatments and Cosmopolitan magazines. Did I mention this is supposed to be funny?
Jim, Bunny and Dr. Hunt get the avocado women to start a dialogue with their clam sauce rivals and head back to the university. Dr. Hunt threatens to expose the whole military plan on David Letterman unless she gets a grant for researching expanded opportunities for women in the military and a healthy dose of cash for her department. Meanwhile Jim and Bunny get married because, I guess someone has to kiss Bill Maher on occasion?
Ughh. I lived through watching this and now retelling it so that’s twice I have forced this thing upon myself. A couple of things before I sign off here though.
First of all, Shannon Tweed in real life is actually pretty smart. Her bad judgement in marrying Gene Simmons aside, I have no idea why she would agree to be in a film this stupid. I get why Bill Maher is here, he needed a career boost at the time. It did not age well for either of them though.
Second, never let it be said I am not an equal opportunity reviewer. James Cordon had a response to Bill Maher’s remarks and in it he mentioned how both of them have used poor judgement in their film careers. Jame’s opus of stupidity is apparently called Lesbian Vampire Killers and he says it’s every bit as bad as you think it is. Is it though? Is it? You can bet your last freaking avocado I am going to find out!
Olives are the Cure for Everything Except Stupidity
What’s going on people out there? It’s Slick Dungeon here again and although I keep hoping for it, I rarely run into a book down here that is worth reading. I wish I could say The Last Chance Olive Ranch was a fun read, with a smart mystery, fascinating characters who are well developed and as a bonus has some great recipes in the back. All I can really say is that there are in fact recipes in the back. I haven’t tried making them because I am stuck below ground in my dungeon so I suppose they could be great, I don’t know.
Now I have most definitely read worse books than this one. But, there are a ton of issues with this book. Like, how in the hell the whole thing happens in the first place. This basically has two stories going on. China Bayles and her husband Mike McQuaid both have life threatening adventures while in different locations. McQuaid is an ex-cop, current private investigator who has an escaped convict coming after him. China Bayles is an ex-lawyer, current business owner of several Thyme spice pun related businesses and she is supposed to be conducting some sort of seminar at an olive ranch with her friend and business associate Ruby. While at this ranch, China figures out there is a bad guy wanting to do some lethal harm to some people and also kind of helps to clear up a legal matter. I’m going to give a little more of a summary and then point out some things that just completely ruin this whole book.
The story basically starts with McQuaid getting a phone call telling him that this dude named Max has escaped death row. They refer to him in the book as “Bad Max” and I wish I was making that up. Max has not only got out but it seems like he is bent on going out and killing everyone who sent him to prison. McQuaid realizes he needs to catch the guy because he is the one who put him away in the first place and the guy is likely to come after him and China. He reasonably wants China to go do her thing out of town so he won’t have to worry while the guy is out on a tear.
China, meanwhile is torn between staying with her husband and wanting to go with her friend to do this seminar thing. She ends up going and learns all about this land dispute between Maddie, the operator of the Last Chance Olive Ranch and this guy named Boyd. China also happens to bump into an old flame named Chet who is a good guy but things didn’t work out and now he’s got it bad for Maddie.
I think the major plot points here are obvious. McQuaid is eventually going to get his guy. China is going to help figure out the land dispute and prove that Boyd is a grade A jerk, while also making sure that Chet and Maddie get a fairy tale ending.
I don’t so much have an issue with idea of the plot as a whole. But here’s the thing, it should never happen in the first place because every criminal in this book would have to be equal parts super genius and complete moron. There are some other problems with the book as well so I am just going to start a rant list below.
“Bad Max” is a terrible name for a bad guy. It will only make you think of a particular movie series and it makes you want to laugh and forget the whole book every time you read it.
Max breaks out of a death row prison in Texas. Think about that for a second. This guy would have to not only be Houdini, he’d have to be bulletproof and Hannibal Lecter smart to break out of here. So how did he do it? No idea, they never mention it in the book. Awesome.
This book is about an olive ranch but all of China’s businesses are named things like Party Thyme. So why is she the one writing excerpts about olives and olive oil between chapters? Shouldn’t she be the one writing about Thyme? And if anyone is going to write about olives shouldn’t it be Maddie, the one running an olive ranch?!
This has two completely different narratives going on, one with China, one with McQuaid. One is an ex-cop ensnaring an old enemy plot and the other is a love triangle attempted murder plot. Freaking pick one book please! You wrote two half books that don’t add up. They don’t even converge except for the first and last chapters and this only because China and McQuaid are married.
Despite this book being full of hardened criminals, tough guy private investigators and active police officers, no one, and I mean no one, swears even a little. China finds out that McQuaid has a plan to place himself as bait for a guy who has already killed three people. She thinks it’s “horsepucky.” At that point China is mentally flipping out and seriously, that’s the word she thinks of? I can think of another and it begins with Bull and doesn’t end with pucky.
The first owner of the Last Chance Olive Ranch was a woman named Eliza and she is inspired to make this ranch because of her Spanish lover. I lost count of how many times I had to hear about Eliza’s Spanish lover. Not a boyfriend or husband or person who she had an affair with. Nope, this is a Spanish lover.
Also he died in an orchard accident. That sounded mildly interesting to me. What happened? Not a clue because they never say. “I thought you died in a baking accident” Baker from Into the Woods
This book actually contains 30-50 feral hogs and that is before that was a thing on twitter. Nothing against this, it was just odd.
McQuaid has this ex-wife Sally and she apparently has a split personality. So not only does McQuaid have someone who can break out of prison coming after him, this wife is in trouble and she is begging for help. It never once occurs to McQuaid that maybe Max, the insane prison escapee might be the one after her. Max isn’t but shouldn’t McQuaid think that was a reasonable possibility? But nope. And when Max does grab her, thinking it’s China, McQuaid freaking blames her.
McQuaid’s genius plan to catch this guy seems to involve letting reporters he knows state to the media that he still lives in the town he lives in and is going to a community cook off. The bad guy actually calls McQuaid and tells him he is coming for him but McQuaid never thinks to, you know, wait at home and be prepared when the guy shows up.
Also, Bad Max is supposed to have figured out a way to get out of prison and kill five different people (with some help) before getting to McQuaid’s house. Now, when Max gets there he finds Sally. Does he do what makes sense? You know, shoot the wife of the guy you hate and then wait until the guy you hate shows up and then shoot him? Nope! He instead kidnaps Sally, and calls McQuaid to lure him to a junkyard. Err… what? That makes literally no sense.
At one point McQuaid goes and sees his son who is in college. He sees his son kiss an African-American woman. McQuaid kind of flips out in his own mind. I get owning up to your own prejudices and all but what he immediately tries to remember is if in all of his conversations about sex with his son, if he had ever brought up the issue of interracial sex. McQuaid my dude, let’s chat to the side for a minute. You know what you need to know about interracial sex? The same things you need to know about any kind of sex. Same info, it doesn’t freaking change! This particular thing in the book made me wish I was out at sea so that I could chuck the book into the water. Of course then I was glad I wasn’t because I would have realized putting trash in the ocean is not good. What’s worse was that McQuaid then thinks of himself as “fairly liberal”. Mmmhmmm.
Also, McQuaid seems to completely blame his ex-wife for having mental issues. He refers to her as “skitzy” in his mind. Let me just say this because I wish people would realize it, having multiple personalities is not the same as schizophrenia like at all. Books try to make this the same all the time but you know what it is when they do that? Horsepucky!
Speaking of my earlier point about language, McQuaid gets information out of a woman who is in with Max’s cousin Lester. It’s clear Lester is a horrible person and that Max has taken Sally by this point. The woman, named Candy, doesn’t think it’s all that weird that Sally has duct tape over her mouth. And she says that Sally is “a pain in the old patootie.” Okay, please, either make this character less dumb or at least let her use an actual word that a woman in that situation would use. The one I am thinking of is what usually follows Jack-
On China’s side of things, it’s so obvious Boyd is setting Maddie up that only a complete dummy wouldn’t figure that out. Maddie runs a successful business and is a college graduate but can’t seem to figure out Boyd’s motives. Why not? Because she is self conscious about a scar.
Also it’s completely obvious from the beginning of that story that Boyd is going to be revealed to be related to Maddie. See he tries to get her to marry him but Sofia, the half sister of Eliza, the woman with the Spanish lover, has a secret document in an olive wood box. China can’t possibly imagine what would be in there until she sees it even though we all know it’s going to be a birth certificate saying that Boyd is Maddie’s (well I was guessing half brother) cousin. Thus they can’t get married.
Hey, you know how they could have prevented Boyd from starting a fire and trying to forcibly take over the ranch? Give the birth certificate to Maddie, or her lawyer! Then I would have fifty percent less of this book I had to read!
There were so many things olives can do. I had no idea. I am sure this is true but they talk about how good it is to put in soap. Okay sure. Obviously good for food. No argument there. Then they talk about how it can be used as a cleaner possibly rivaling bleach. And that if it goes bad enough it is a fire accelerant. Wait, you want me to put this on my face and in my mouth? Mmmmm. I think I will pass….
So much of this book was simply an info dump and it got so obnoxious. We didn’t find out from general conversations or actions what a character was like. Nope, there are like five paragraph backgrounds we have to read through when we met or heard about a new character. That’s how I know Eliza had a Spanish lover.
I suppose the recipes might be good, I don’t know. But I appreciate that they are there because that was less for me to read!
I hope you enjoyed my rant as much as you might enjoy a fine virgin olive oil. Probably you didn’t but that’s okay because apparently that stuff can light things on fire. Next week I will be back to review Mulberry Moon by Catherine Anderson. Is that when a full moon is full of Mulberries?
The zombie apocalypse happens in the background but at least there is smooth jazz?
Welcome back to my dungeon where the lights are dim, the smell is musty and the films generally stink.
This week I watched Life After Beth. In the beginning of the film, Beth goes hiking alone at night. This, for the record, is always one hundred percent a completely stupid idea. Don’t do this friends. Beth (Aubrey Plaza) is apparently bitten by a snake and killed. This happens off screen (like most of the interesting things in this film).
Next we see Zack (Dane Dehaan) trying to buy black napkins at a supermarket. He’s sent to the party supply store instead. In the next scene he’s clearly at the wake for Beth and it’s pretty obvious Zack was Beth’s ex and he’s pretty broken up about the whole thing. Zack spends some time bonding with Beth’s parents played by John C. Reily and Molly Shannon.
Late at night, in the background Zack thinks he sees someone running around. The next day he goes back and is sure he sees Beth. His brother comes over and tries to calm Zack down but of course, eventually he ends up in the Slocum’s (Beth’s last name) house. And surprise, there is his dead ex girlfriend looking both alive and super happy to see Zack. Unfortunately, Beth’s parents want to keep the whole thing of her death and return a secret from Beth.
Zack tries to take Beth hiking but is stopped by her dad. In the meantime, Beth is doing some weird things like, having super huge mood swings and gathering dirt to put into the attic. Most of that we don’t really see.
The movie sort of goes along like this for a while where weird things happen in the background. People who seem to have been dead or missing for a while show up in town but not quite acting like themselves.
Zack gets overly emotional with Beth and tries to serenade her on the beach. Beth freaks out and uses super human strength to destroy a lifeguard lookout tower. Zack is understandably nervous at this point and thinks that he might get eaten by his dead girlfriend. That’s a reasonable assumption in my book any given day of the week. Still, for some reason he sticks around and wants to take Beth hiking.
Beth on the other hand is only able to calm down by listening to smooth jazz or making out with Zack.
Pretty soon the whole dang town is listening to smooth jazz and only Zack and Erica Wexler (Anna Kendrick) an old family friend, seem to notice anything off. This includes when Zack accidentally full on runs Beth over and Beth gets up no problem. Do the townsfolk think that’s weird? Not at all! Totally normal except of course they are a little mad at Zack.
Beth then screams at the onlookers and finally they get scared. Uh, what? Ok but fine.
Zack decides to spill the beans to Beth and let her know that she’s dead. This does not go well and soon the whole town is filled with zombies. I never understood in watching this if Zack telling Beth about this was supposed to be the trigger to make all the zombies aggressive or what. It was implied but I was never sure.
Pretty soon Zack tries to protect his family by warning them and then is promptly knocked out by John C. Reily. He spends most of the evening of the apocalypse blacked out and we see zero of the interesting stuff.
About the only really interesting part of this whole film was the end when Zack takes Beth hiking but she has to have an oven strapped to her back to prevent her from eating Zack. Zack puts Beth out of her misery after telling her how he felt about her. Then he gets to go have dinner with Erica Wexler, yay!
Ughhh. Okay so where do I start with this whole thing now that I have told you about it? Spoilers by the way. Shoot, gotta remember to put that up higher in my reviews.
Zack has a lot of overacting in this thing and he just comes off as whiny to me for most of it. Everything that could be fun or funny about this movie happens off screen or is presented in the most boring way possible.
That being said, this film is not exactly bad. It’s certainly not so bad it’s good. It’s just kinda meh.
It got trashed by critics when it came out but I don’t think it was due to the film itself. It has a decent cast and other than Zack’s whining I think it was well acted. Beth did give sort of over the top screams at times but it fit in with, you know the whole zombie thing. But critics hated this because there had recently been a slew of zombie films in the theaters and of course The Walking Dead was still rocking it on the television sets. I think critics were just kind of burnt out of the genre and might have even trashed Zombieland if it had come out at the exact same time as this.
I don’t really recommend watching this but there are definitely worse films out there. If you don’t believe me, read any of my other reviews.
There were missed opportunities here to me. At first when the dead seemed to return, most of them were acting a little odd but kind of generally nice. To me, having the whole movie be like that would have been far more interesting. Like what would we do in a zombie apocalypse if basically, everyone was really nice but they needed to change their diet? That could have worked.
I did find one line pretty funny when Zack gets upset that Beth eats a guy. Her response is, “What do you want from me Zack? I’m a zombie, zombies eat guys.” Fact check – true!
Other than that though, this movie was just sort of okay. I never found myself hating it or loving it. Hopefully next week the film I watch will be more interesting, even if it sucks.
Last week James Cordon did a piece about fat shaming and mentioned a terrible movie Bill Mahr was in and a terrible movie he himself was in. I immediately felt the need to do a side by side comparison to see which one is worse. I’ll be starting with Bill’s movie, Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death. I have a strong suspicion it’s going to be every bit as bad as his opinions on fat shaming.
Hello out there to those of you above ground. It’s Friday the 13th today and that means bad luck. What was my bad luck today? Reading Temptation by Brenda Jackson.
I tend not to like romance books much and this one is a prime example of why not. From a barely there plot, to poorly developed characters, to really weird obsessions with mouths, this book was awful from start to finish. It was so bad that I was at times baffled and at times just straight up angry at how bad this could be.
Here’s the thing though, when I read something that I think is awful, I just obsess over it somehow. How did this get made? Why? Who thought publishing this was a good idea? But then it hit me, there is only one answer to this riddle for Temptation. I need to find out right from the horses mouths (yeah cause Texas and horses and… ah never mind). So, lucky for me, I have run into several of the characters in the book! I will be interviewing them below. I have no idea how they ended up in the fifth room of my dungeon but here they are. I wish I could say it was good to see people but well… maybe next time send someone with a ladder so I can get out of here?
Anyway, I am going to provide a quick summary of the (for lack of a better term) plot and then dive right into the interview.
Sheila Hopkins is an emergency room nurse in Royal, Texas. One day she is driving and sees a hunka hunka burning man meat in the car next to her on the way to work. She gets to work and surprise, surprise, surprise, Mr. man meat is there and meets her. This guy is Zeke Travers who is a private investigator. A baby was left abandoned and someone is trying to name Zeke’s best bud and client Brad as the father. It’s part of a blackmail scheme to get some money out of rich folks who are in charge at the Texas Cattlemen’s Club. Zeke and Sheila hit it off and Sheila, within minutes of meeting an abandoned baby is supposed to take care of it for two weeks while the custody of said baby is worked out. Sheila takes a shine to the kid and names her Sunnie, Zeke takes a shine to Sheila and they kiss a lot while ridiculously saying they should stay away from each other. Zeke has to keep an eye on Sheila cause what if she is some kinda psycho who just was handed a baby (never mind that it’s kind of psycho to hand over a baby to a stranger). Zeke and Sheila hook up, break up (but not really), hook up some more, have some fights, Zeke figures out the plot, Sheila has to give up the baby but it’s okay because now she can have babies with Zeke. Happy ending and holy crap there are a bunch more books in this series.
Let me give a warm Slick Dungeon welcome to my guests, Sheila Hopkins, Zeke Travers, Sunnie, and Bradford Price.
Slick: Hi Sheila, nice to meet you. So you were a nurse for the whole book but you never did any nursing other than taking a kid home. What are your thoughts about taking a baby home instead of you know, leaving it say, at the pediatric ward of your hospital?
Sheila: Neither me nor my kitchen would be able to handle all the heat Zeke and I would make.
Slick: uhmmm, that didn’t really answer the question. About the baby…
Sheila: Earlier in the day a man proposed to his his girlfriend in the E.R. It was very romantic.
Slick: Uh, ok. I mean have you been in an Emergency Room? It’s noisy, smells weird and occasionally people walk in with a severed finger in a mason jar full of ice. Is that actually romantic? Anyway, about this kid who you took care of…
Sheila: I named her Sunnie because she stopped crying and smiled at me. That makes me most qualified to be her mother.
Slick: I’m not sure that fits the definition of qualified but at least you are on topic this time. What made you so attracted to Zeke?
Sheila: Have you seen him? He has a mouth that is hot. Also he said to me, “Good. Because if I get arrested, Sheila, so do you. And it would be my request that we get put in the same jail cell.”
Slick: Okay, first off, I doubt you would get the request granted. Secondly, a jail cell? Is that supposed to be romantic? I kind of think your idea of romantic locations is a bit off here. Was it tough keeping Sunnie? You didn’t seem to have much experience with infants when she was randomly given to you.
Sheila: Zeke did a background check on me and I got sooo mad. Then he built a crib while I showered. We kissed. Zeke smelled good. Most of the men at the hospital smell sanitized. Zeke reminds me of a real man’s scent.
Slick: Wasn’t he all sweaty from building the crib and like hauling things in for you?
Slick: Okay gross. Also, just because you smell sanitary really does not mean you are not a “real man”. I think a lot of male nurses, doctors, and people who don’t like to stink might take offense at that. But since you keep bringing up Zeke, let me switch gears and speak with him.
Slick: Hi Zeke, you are a private investigator who did almost nothing for two weeks while Sheila took care of a kid that you first handed over, then thought, maybe I should do a background check on this woman that I gave a kid to. Were you suspicious of Sheila? And do you think maybe the background check could have happened prior to the baby hand off?
Zeke: Sheila attracted me right off. I kissed her, even though I had only met her earlier in the day, first at a stop light, then when I gave her a baby to take care of. This kind of mouth interaction with Sheila was stirring things inside me that I’d tried to keep at bay with other women.
Slick: TMI dude. So, Sunnie was not even five months old and cried a lot and had been literally abandoned on a doorstep of a club that your friend Brad is a part of. Yet, you wondered why the kid didn’t have a bed time. You don’t know how babies work do you?
Zeke: My friend Brad is a good man. He hired me. I own a big ranch. I have a niece and nephew too so I know about kids. Did I mention I kissed Sheila?
Sheila: Even after brushing my teeth I could still taste Zeke.
Slick: You need to brush better.
Zeke: Sheila tasted good. I couldn’t get enough of it, which is why I was eating away at her mouth with a relentless hunger.
Slick: Dude, stop, we have been over this. TMI.
Sheila: But he’s so romantic. He said, “I want to cherish you with my mouth, Sheila.”
Slick: I’ve watched a movie where space zombies try to take over the planet and no one in that film said anything even close to as weird as that. Let’s try talking about something else. There was a hurricane threatening your neighborhood, Sheila. Zeke did what a responsible guy would do and came over to check on you. Then he basically pressured you into moving into his house to wait the storm out. That seemed reasonable because, hurricane. But you asked him not to seduce you while you were there. He wouldn’t agree to that. Sheila, that’s seriously disturbing behavior, why didn’t you call the cops on Zeke?
Sheila: I went to his house knowing I was attracted to his mouth.
Slick: Okay… Uh, Zeke, did you not think it was messed up to basically say, stay at my house to ride out the hurricane but I won’t promise to keep my grubby mitts off you to Sheila?
Zeke: Brad is a good man. I own a ranch. I had to clear his name and to do that I had to mostly spend time with Sheila. My job was to investigate the crime so I stayed with the caretaker of the baby.
Slick: Er, you really sucked at your job and at being a decent guy. Hurricanes are not prime opportunities to coerce women.
Sheila: I stayed way longer than after the hurricane was a threat. I can’t admit my feelings for Zeke.
Slick: I would say all the kissing you did is kind of an admission.
Zeke: There’s something about Sheila’s scent that makes me want to mate.
Slick: Seriously dude. TMI.
Zeke: I could only imagine the outcome of this mating. But I needed it the way I need to breathe.
Slick: The outcome is pregnancy. In case you didn’t notice, there was a baby the whole time. That’s the outcome of mating. and let me just say this again, T.M.I.! But speaking of the baby, it was really convenient that she cried a lot at the beginning and then kept her attention on Sheila so she could be given over. Then it was even more convenient that she didn’t cry later in the book when you guys were doing weird mouth things and mating and what not. Sunnie, do you have anything to say about this?
Slick: Well I suppose you are kind of a plot device.
Brad: That’s my job. I’m a good man. I was set up. My brother had a kid with a woman, was killed by her and her drug dealing boyfriend then they tried to blackmail me with his kid. This is all explained in about two whole paragraphs in the book.
Slick: True. Sheila, you seemed to get surprisingly angry and depressed over the fact that Zeke might miss a flight while trying to catch a crook. Are you over that?
Sheila: Oh totally. We got married and Brad and this other woman Abigail that I met just days ago who seems to be interested in Brad was there.
Slick: Uh, more in this horrible series to come then?
Brad: Yeah. See when I told Zeke I had a genetic link to the baby, he left the building without any explanation and then hooked up with Sheila. We figured out it was my brother’s kid but not before I made Abigail cry. Then we watched a tape with Abigail that literally could have solved the entire crime if Zeke had just done his job and showed it earlier to the people at the Texas Cattlmen’s Club. But he was mating with Sheila. I get my turn next. With Abigail that is.
Zeke: Well, I did have to fly to Dallas and then be almost late for when Sheila gave back the baby, so I could watch other people arrest the bad guy. So I called my super rich dad who I was estranged from until a few years ago and ask to fly in his jet. Then while on that jet I bought a wedding ring for Sheila and proposed to her.
Slick: You proposed in a parking lot outside of the Texas Cattlemen’s Club?
Zeke: I did and she said yes.
Slick: I guess it’s better than an Emergency Room. How did you propose?
Sheila: He said, “Do you love me enough to wear my last name, have my babies and spend the rest of your life with me?”
Slick: Err. I don’t know where to begin here. First, is a last name something you wear? In my experience I mostly say it, spell it or sign it. Also, I would just like to mention that they wouldn’t just be Zeke’s babies. They would be yours as well. Spending the rest of your life, I have no problem with. But seriously, Zeke, you are one weird dude.
Brad: But he knows I am a good man. I bet he shows up in my book!
Slick: I will not be reading that. Thanks for finding your way here down in the dark. Now all of you, get out!
Slick drops microphone and releases various types of lethal oozes to get them to leave.
I hope you enjoyed my exclusive interview. Next week I will be back with another review. This time I will be reading The Last Chance Olive Ranch by Susan Wittig Albert. I guess someone already must have taken the first chance olive ranch?
Hello friends and freakish compatriots. Slick Dungeon here back with yet another review of a film that is never going to win any kind of awards. I had planned to review Captain Sabretooth and the Treasure of Rama Lama but it apparently is not on Netflix and it’s surprisingly hard to get an Amazon Prime membership when you live in a dingy dungeon cave and are forced to read terrible books and watch awful movies.
I ended up watching Season of the Witch. The most absolutely stunning thing about this film is how many actors are in it that you will recognize. This was filmed after Nicolas Cage really needed money but before Robert Sheehan was being fantastically weird in The Umbrella Academy. It was after Ron Perlman had been Hellboy a couple of times but before Claire Foy was Lizbeth Salander or the queen of England. It was well after Christopher Lee was cool but before Rory McCann had an epic throwdown in Clegane-bowl in Game of Thrones. And yes, all those high quality actors are actually in this film. You know what? It just proves that we can’t all succeed all the time.
Set in the time of the crusades, we learn in the first scene that witches are totally real. How do we know? Because a priest kills one but then gets killed for it. Supernatural things are afoot.
We cut immediately into a series of crusade battles where a bunch of Americans sounding very American do some British style sword wielding. They go on battle after battle in location after location. Conveniently, the travel takes no time at all because, editing. Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage ham it up so much in these battle sequences, you can smell the pork on their breath. They play Felson and Behman respectively and the names do not fit at all with these actors. I guarantee you will think of them the entire time as Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman.
The fight sequences for the crusades seem to last about as long as the actual crusades. They are repetitive and dull and full of a lot shouting about God. Finally after the eons of this happening (along with a bunch of side shouting about committing all manner sins by Cage and Perlman) Behman stabs an innocent woman to death and thinks maybe it’s time for a career change. He and Felson quit and leave the battlefield. The head of the army is like, “You cannot leave,” to which Behman says, “Who’s gonna stop us?” My thought was, maybe that whole freaking army? But nah, they just let them go.
Cage and Perlman make it to the town we saw at the opening where the witch had cursed a priest. They find the whole place is dying by plague. Cage and Perlman are exposed to this stuff in the film over and over and over and over again and not even a cough out of either one of them for the whole film. Why? Because the plague was not caused by germs or spread by rodents or anything illogical like that. Nope. It was witches. For sure, witches. Oh and guess what? This town caught another witch and if she gets taken to some random town and put on trial where there is some book and some ritual is performed the plague will most definitely be over and we’ll all be good to go on and invent cheeseburgers in the future or whatever.
But there’s a problem see? They need some good ol’ deserters who can either choose jail time or go escort this witch somewhere. Cage and Perlman choose jail. Yep, you got that right. They were not afraid to fight off an entire army of crusaders but when a priest in a plague infested town tells them to leave, they are like, yeah jail sounds good. Behman has a heart though because he feels guilty for getting all stabby on a woman earlier in the movie so when this witch is in the jail cell across from him and she cries, he decides he will escort her, as long as he gets a pardon. Were there pardons back then? I dunno.
The witch begs Behman to make sure she gets a “fair trial”. Never mind that at that time a fair trial might very well have been checking to see if she burned to death by fire. They pick up a guy from the stockade who can apparently lead them to the town where this ritual is supposed to happen and they set off.
Pretty quick they end up in a spooky set location where one dude ends up dead in no time at all. Some of them think it was the woman causing the death some don’t know.
We go on a bit and the woman shows more strength than reasonable without ingesting a ton of steroids. They cross a rickety bridge, another dude dies soon after that and they’re all pretty sure the witchy woman is a witch.
But guess what? At that town, the plague has hit. We get to see Christopher Lee have a death scene and they find that book that would do that ritual thing. Next thing you know, almost everyone is dead except our heroes and the woman. They start up the ritual but it doesn’t seem to be working. The priest figures out that this is not a witch! It’s a demon. Now I want my money back for the film being mistitled. It should be called Season of the Plague Demon instead.
There’s a big battle, they have to do some reading in Latin, we see a CGI demon throw people around, Hellboy and the guy from National Treasure both die. Klaus from The Umbrella Academy and Lisbeth Salander live. She lives because apparently she was just possessed? I dunno. Anyway, we all survive the plague! Cheeseburgers are now in our future!
So yeah, that’s the film for ya. It was really bad. But sadly, it’s not the worst Nicolas Cage movie I have ever seen. The best part of Season of the Witch was one jump scare way early on and, um, yeah that’s it.
Next time you are stuck in history class and you have to talk about the black plague or the crusades, just mention how a hell-spawned demon took possession of a young woman, pretended to be a witch and got it’s butt kicked by a few Americans. You’ll get an A for sure!
Next week I will be back to review Life After Beth. It’s gotta be better than life before Beth right?
On the twelfth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Santa’s Little Helper. No not a full length feature about the dog from The Simpsons. That might be worth watching. This is a straight to DVD production made by the WWE. Yep, it’s a Christmas film made by and starring – pro wrestlers. Turns out that’s not a good idea at all.
Okay so here’s the plot of this, I guess we’ll call it a film? There’s a rich dude who is a jerk and he is going to foreclose on a youth center. But tables turn on him and in the next five minutes he loses his job, loses his girlfriend, gets his car repossessed, and gets his house foreclosed on. Meanwhile at the North Pole, Santa Claus is in need of a new helper. This is described as, “the ho ho ho” and as being, “the vice president of Santa Claus” at various points in the movie. Santa has a personal trainer who he asks to check out that jerk guy (Dax the Ax by name) for the job because, uh reasons? The trainer who is of course the love interest for Dax, puts him through a series of tests to see if he’s qualified for the job. Long story short, he gets the job after doing some humiliating stuff, loses the job, gets the job back, saves the youth center and the trainer gets the job in the end. Spoiler warning. Oops, should have put that earlier.
Here’s what’s amazing about this movie. And I don’t mean in a good way, I mean it’s amazing that any of this exists.
This has brilliant dialogue such as, “the car and I are in love”.
Also, “You’re giving Dax the Ax, the ax?”
Also, while talking to a building, “I’m going to take you down!”
Apparently the north pole looks exactly like a log cabin in the woods.
They have, “elves” there. How do we know they are elves? Two ways. First, they wear wool knit caps. Second they have pointed ears. The total number of elves we see with pointed ears (which by the way are just cheap bits of plastic glued to the wool knit caps)? One. But we know they must have pointed ears because they keep calling the trainer who has round ears, round ears. She has round ears due to a genetic birth defect. How do I know that? They say it like five times in the movie just to remind you that she is an elf and not just a normal human. Also, she has a low opinion of her looks because her ears are rounded, giving Dax the Ax the opportunity to hit on her and for her to say, “You really think I am beautiful?” despite the character being played by a woman that fits all the stereotypical ideals of Hollywood beauty.
The first test Dax has to do is go into a biker bar and say he hit one of their bikes because A) apparently that’s what Santa Claus needs and B) it gives a bunch of pro wrestling actors the chance to use their sweet, sweet wrestling moves in the bar fight scene.
Later in the movie there is a rival elf who wants to be, “the ho ho ho” and challenges Dax to a ropes competition. The actress playing the elf is a pro wrestler too so we get to see sweet, sweet wrestling moves on a ropes course too.
The second test Dax has to do is to dress up as a mascot at a kids pizza place during a kids birthday party. He threatens to punch one kid in the face and smashes the birthday boy into his own cake. Apparently this is the guy Santa Claus needs. But it’s okay because he turns the party into a food fight and everyone loves him for it? I dunno, wrestling logic I guess.
The third and final test Dax has to do is to help a stranger in need. This turns out to be an older man who has just been mugged. He lost his ring in the mugging and it was a family heirloom he was going to pass down to his kids. Dax the Ax sees the kids who did it and threatens them with bodily harm and returns the ring to the guy. The test is passed (the only test out of three he passed if we are keeping count) and the guy turns out to be Santa. So to be clear, Santa Claus needs a guy who, gets into a bar fight, wouldn’t last an hour working at a Chuck E. Cheese, and threatens to punch teenagers to get a ring back, but lets them keep the cash from the wallet. I guess Santa Claus needs some muscle who is not very good at following through?
The reason Santa Claus gives for wanting to hire Dax? He has potential to be a good man. Yep, that’s it. He didn’t want to find someone who was actually good. Or hire the trainer elf despite her being the most qualified. (Is Santa Claus a sexist? I don’t know but the WWE sure might be)
They use, “North Pole magic” by ringing a bell in this movie. At one point, the trainer uses it on Dax and he is wrapped up in wrapping paper. Apparently despite him being a pro wrestler, wrapping paper is just too hard to break out of.
Dax steals the bell in an effort to save the youth center but his first thing he does is to wish for a new car. This dude has not changed at all by the end of the movie but Santa still wants to hire him. Seriously?
This movie is an utter train wreck but it’s kinda hilarious to watch because you can see how some of them must have been thinking, “if The Rock can do it, so can I. This movie is my big break!”
That’s all of the horrible Christmas movies I can take for a while. My next movie reviews will be for the worst films of the last decade (one per year). I can’t wait? Err actually I can.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me An Accidental Christmas.
Have you ever thought to yourself, what I really want to watch is the Parent Trap but during Christmas and without any interesting camera effects, and taking place on a beach? Well, this is the film for you. As a bonus it has acting as wooden as a solid oak desk. The whole thing was dull and heartless despite being a supposed love story of reconnection.
The kids in the family basically trick their separated parents into spending Christmas at this beach house they own and falling back in love. There’s not any more to the plot and you have to suffer through ninety minutes of it for it to end exactly as you would have predicted.
For this one I actually have two antidote films to watch instead. Obviously you could just watch The Parent Trap (either version) but that wouldn’t be a Christmas movie. Still, it’s much better than this one. My second antidote film is Christmas in Connecticut. It’s a good solid comedy and it also involves lying and subterfuge but in a much better way.
Tomorrow I will be posting the last of the Twelve Terrible Days of Christmas. I hope you have enjoyed these reviews more than I have enjoyed the utter hell of watching these movies.
On the tenth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Arthur Christmas.
This movie boldly asks the question, what if Santa Claus was a hereditary position run like a highly efficient army? It further asks, what if one of the next Santa Clauses in line cared a whole lot but wasn’t good at the whole military efficiency thing? It also asks what if one of the next Santa Clauses in line was good at the whole military efficiency thing but bad with children? It also asks, what if the current Santa Claus just relied on his kids and elfs to do everything. It also asks what if one of the former Santa Clauses wished he wasn’t retired and wants to go out on the sleigh again? It also asks what if a child was almost forgotten by Santa Claus but quick thinking saved the day and the guy who cares turned out to be the best choice to be the next Santa.
To which I say, why didn’t you just watch The Santa Clause instead?!?!
On the ninth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Christmas Survival.
Also on the ninth day of Christmas I started to think that maybe there are too many days of Christmas.
This movie is called Christmas Survival but it is really about a family that doesn’t quite get along. It’s almost two hours of arguments and bad parenting. There were too many characters to keep track of so I wasn’t even sure who belonged to what family most of the time. It’s got the standard stuff like ruined dinners, holiday mishaps, family tension etc. I found none of it interesting.
Look if you are going to call your movie Christmas Survival I expect some deadly dangers appearing.
Here are a few suggestions about what this could have been about.
Dracula comes to torment the family and they have to survive together.
Ditto the wolf man.
The family eats a Christmas goose and half of them turn to zombies.
The family is a pack of serial killers who lure people in need for their annual feast and then hunt them but this time the tables turn and the family gets hunted instead.
The family is in an airplane crash and all they have to survive on is the holiday food they brought with them.
There’s a secret underground fight club that the family get hoodwinked into joining and their only hope is the eight year old son who has watched a lot of television wrestling.
Or you know, go with what this did and just make it a long boring conversation with such parental disorganization that the kids aren’t even allowed to open their presents on Christmas day and have every adult act like an incompetent jerk the whole time.
There is only one Christmas movie that works as an antidote to this. Die Hard. It takes place at Christmas and really is about survival.
On the eighth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me The Christmas Calendar.
Hey everyone, it’s Slick Dungeon here and I am still reviewing terrible Christmas movies. There are 12 days of Christmas so I am going to get through those before I review the ten absolute worst films of the last decade.
Today I have a movie for you that is so saccharine sweet that you’ll feel like you just stuffed six sugar cookies in your mouth. Yet somehow it manages to have no heart and is utterly predictable.
The Christmas Calendar is about Emily, a baker, who has returned to the small town she grew up in so that she can take over the bakery that her grandmother left for her. We also find out pretty quickly that the bakery is in danger of foreclosure and Emily will need to do something about that by the end of the month. Next a French baker, Gerard, comes in to town and it’s obvious that Emily has the hots for him. But it will be a problem because he could put her out of business. This all takes less than five minutes to set up. Then Emily receives an advent calendar that looks old and homemade. Everyone assumes it’s from a secret admirer and we spend the rest of the movie watching Emily and Gerard snip at each other, the town guessing who the secret admirer is, and basically knowing that everything will turn out fine in the end. Yay!
I have some questions.
I mean it was a nice calendar but would that really make the news? I feel like this should have been titled Advent Calendar, the Movie.
We all knew it was from her grandmother. How could people not see that coming?
Seriously the news reporter from the fictional TV station just said she was here from “the news”. Were they too lazy to think of three or four letters? Or maybe a number?
There’s a part where a health inspector flashes a badge. Pretty sure they don’t do that.
There was this whole build up about a Christmas baking competition and they don’t even show it. What were they thinking?
This is about two rival bakers and there’s not a single food fight. Boo.
Okay so if this calendar was from a secret admirer, why would they make something so big and obvious. Isn’t the key word secret?
Gerard bowls a perfect game his first try. I didn’t buy it at all.
The misunderstandings between Emily and Gerard could have been cleared up if they had talked to each other for another five minutes but they never do that.
We all knew that the bakery would be saved, Emily and Gerard would get together, and that they would end up as bakers together so why did we make this movie again? Oh yeah we needed a love letter film to advent calendars.
At first I had a hard time figuring out what the antidote to this film is. It kept reminding me of You’ve Got Mail, which is not a Christmas movie. Then I remembered why that made perfect sense. You’ve Got Mail is based on an old Jimmy Stewart more called The Shop Around the Corner which is a Christmas movie. It’s got the same sort of premise where there’s a business in danger and a couple that snip at each other until they fall in love. It’s got way more heart and won’t leave you with a sugary aftertaste.
Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! I’m going to keep this one short.
On the seventh day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Jingle All the Way. This movie is not the worst Christmas movie I have on this list but it might be the one I hate the most. Simply put this film is about a couple of fathers who would do anything, including really illegal activity, to get the hottest toy for their kids. It’s not funny, it has no heart and is just one mind bogglingly bad film that never redeems itself. I have only one question for this one.
Why did they make this? Quick someone kill this. Kill it with fire!!!!
The antidote to this one is A Miracle on 34th Street. It’s full of heart, sweetness and an on point Christmas message despite being pretty much one huuuge advertisement for Macy’s.
On the sixth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me The Knight before Christmas.
We’ve made it halfway through the worst Christmas movies I watched this year. I am hoping to keep my sanity through the next half.
Today we have The Knight Before Christmas. This is one that didn’t look promising because of the bad pun. It wasn’t good but I could get past the pun and the premise here. There have been time traveling knight stories before that worked. If Mark Twain can do it, so can someone else. Of course no one is going to do this type of story as well as he did.
So here’s the plot in a nutshell. A young man in medieval times is trying to complete a quest to become a true knight. For some reason we’re calling him Sir Cole even though he is not a true knight yet. He meets an old crone and is kind to her. She does some Christmas magic and sends Cole to 2019 where he has to do something involving his heart to complete the quest. We know pretty quickly that his quest must be to fall in love with Brook because we see her complain about an ex boyfriend. We have to spend the next ninety minutes watching Cole do valiant and kind things that make Brook realize not all men are bad. They fall in love with each other and then Cole gets pulled back in time for all of two minutes and then because of more Christmas magic he goes back to 2019 to live happily ever after with Brook. Yay!
Okay so the plot is not that bad and neither is the romance so what’s the problem with it? Missed comedy opportunities. I made a list.
While we do get to see Cole interact with Alexa but I wanted to see what he would think of indoor plumbing.
At no point did Cole try to slay a car with a sword.
There’s a couple of jokes about Cole thinking that people are inside of a radio but he never thinks it’s magical or anything.
No one fell off a single ladder or roof in this whole movie.
Cole seems way cool with electricity for a guy who would never have encountered it. Hello, hilarious electrocution scene where are you?
I really wanted to see him go through a drive through on a horse. No luck.
Cole never seems freaked out by the whole thing and I think he would have thought it was all devilry and witchcraft.
Also it’s clear from the end that Cole’s brother will be showing up in modern times next year. Do we have to do that?
I am sure there’s more I can think of but I have to get to the next terrible film. The clear antidote to this one is Elf. It’s about a man out of his element who falls in love too. The difference? Not a single missed comedy opportunity in the whole film.
On the fifth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas.
Here is a movie that could have worked and been a cute romantic comedy if the premise wasn’t so absurdly stupid. This is about a young woman who is a bit stuck in life, getting small time jobs and getting fired from them. She’s also been dating a bit but hasn’t found her true love yet. She has a roommate who is supportive of her through thick and thin. Jess, the woman, finally goes on a successful date and is promptly killed in a car accident because she was texting and driving with the guy she just had the date with. The next day she wakes up as a literal ghost. She turns to her roommate to get help and they find out that she needs, “big love” to ascend to heaven. She goes on dates with the dude but in the end she still doesn’t ascend. Finally they figure out that her big love needed is more or less to apologise to her roommate for not being there for her. Then she goes to heaven and in less than a year the dude ends up dead too and goes to heaven. Apparently heaven is the bar where they had their first date and played trivia night.
Honestly the romance kind of works and so does the friendship with the roommate but the whole literal ghost thing? Not so much.
I had a few questions.
Why is she sometimes intangible and sometimes not? That makes no sense.
They keep talking about It’s a Wonderful Life, why didn’t they end the movie that way?
It was really obvious that the actress kept almost touching stuff but then realized oh wait I am a ghost and can’t touch that. Couldn’t they have increased the special effects budget slightly to make that more believable.
At one point she has to ask her friend to open the door for her. Can’t she just walk through the wall since she is a ghost?
The obvious antidote to this movie is It’s a Wonderful Life. Just rewatch that.
On the fourth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Four Christmases. This movie takes one Christmas and somehow makes it into four terrible Christmases which adds up to one terrible movie.
This stars Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn as a couple who have dated for about three years and avoided having Christmas with their families by lying about doing charity work. That last part tells you what horrible people these are if they are willing to lie about something like that. Had there been any character growth by the end of the movie I might have gotten over that but in the end they do the same type of lying but about their first child being born. What was the point of this whole movie if that happens? I got the job impression the whole time that these were self centered jerk wads and were never going to change and the end confirms that.
Let me explain. No there is no time. Let me sum up.
The couple get caught on camera trying to leave for a vacation on Christmas Eve after they have told their parents they were doing charity work. They are caught red handed and now have to spend Christmas day visiting with each of their divorced parents. Needless to say things get out of hand and comedy ensues. In the end this couple is supposedly brought closer together and learn that Christmas and families are not so bad.
Normally in my reviews at this point I would give you a list of questions I had while watching it. But this time my only real questions were; how long was this day because no way they fit all those visits into less than twenty four hours and why did anyone think this film was a good idea? So instead I am going to give you the one and only reason to watch this at all.
John Favreau in a mohawk acting like a UFC fighter aggressively eating chicken.
That’s the best part of this. Other than that skip it.
The best antidote to this one is Love Actually because in that movie you get the impression that nice people are in love, actually.