Hello out there internet. This is Slick Dungeon and I know it has been a while since I did a full film review. I was in my dungeon quietly minding my own business, fending off a horde of zombies with my +1 magic sword (like ya do), when I heard that there was a film out in theaters that was a complete dumpster fire and I just had to go find out if it was true. Through daring-do and amazing feats of strength and dexterity I made my way out into the world, away from my dungeon to see what all the hubub was about.

I gotta be honest here. I shoulda stayed in the dungeon.

Raise your hand if you ever saw that old show Fantasy Island and thought, you know what would make this better? 100% more murder!

Okay me too but it turns out that isn’t all that fun. I vaguely remember this show from when I was a kid. All I know is that it took place on an island where people fulfilled fantasies and that when the character Tattoo came out and said, “The plane! The plane!” that was my cue to go to bed.

As an adult I may have seen a handful of episodes and from what I recall usually they turned out to be more or less harmless fantasies where people on the show went through some sort of character growth and learned a little from their experience. That and Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize look freaking fantastic in white suits.

I warn you now, if you are going to pay your hard earned cash to view this in theaters and marvel at this project gone so, so wrong — SPOILERS ARE BELOW.

Usually I don’t care about saying that early on in my reviews but this one is actually still in theaters and if you want to, uhh… enjoy this film, don’t say I did not warn you.

The basic plot is this. There is a group of people who think they won a contest to come and have their fantasies fulfilled on some tropical island. And again, last warning spoilers. It turns out that a murderous woman lured these people here to get revenge on them because in an accidental apartment fire, they couldn’t save this guy that she had gone on one date with. Yeah, that’s the whole ball game. Throw in Ant-man’s friend, Michael Pena and non-blue Yondu, Michael Rooker plus that one guy who looks kinda familiar and you realize is that dude from Sons of Anarchy as soon as he holds a gun, and you have yourself a horror film desperately hoping to be a franchise. Please, please don’t let that happen. Because if it does, I am gonna have to review it…

So here are some things to warn anyone about if they ever “win the Valentine’s day contest” on the internet to go to an island that promises it can make anything happen.

First, dude, don’t enter a contest like that, do you know how much spam you’ll get? Both before and after you are murdered by the mystical waters of the sentient island. Also, what are the odds that all of the people this girl wants revenge on enter the contest in the first place? Did they all send money to a Nigerian prince too? Cause I am betting they did.

Second, when you are walking around the hotel and you see blood and or, some kinda, I dunno black goo dripping from the ceilings, just like don’t get in the elevator okay?

Third, even if this whole thing is some kinda fantasy, when the dude tells you that fantasies don’t turn out like you think they will and that they will not end until they reach their, “natural conclusion,” just get your money back. Oh wait, you entered a contest. Get your private data back.

Also, all these people on this island are waaaay too attractive to have randomly won a contest. The hotel staff all look like orderlies that would make perfect sense on a season of American Horror Story so, my fourth rule is, when everyone but the staff look like models, just run.

In the end the twist is supposed to be that the girl who is hesitant to torture someone in real life, is actually psycho enough to not only want to torture someone who was mean to her but murder at least six people who just didn’t die in a fire along with her date. The fifth rule is for Michael Pena (aka Mr. Roarke). Don’t grant fantasies to people who have the fantasy to murder a bunch of people. Let them earn that on their own.

For uh, reasons I guess, people who are killed on the island come back as zombies. How do you know they are zombies? Well their eyes are black and it looks like they have an extremely bad mascara run. And yeah, that’s, that’s about it. So here is a rule for you. When you see those things? Run, dude, run! Why are you standing there, crying and running your mascara? Now we all think you are a zombie too. So maybe run? Rule six, always, always run away from people with black eyes and runny mascara, especially if shooting them does zero good.

Those are my general rules. Now here is my advice for the people who actually had the fantasies and what they should have done in their fantasies.

You will notice that I have used no character names because other than Mr, Roarke and his wife Julia, I don’t remember a single one. Why not? Because I could not care less about these characters.

For the lady who first had the regret that she didn’t marry someone and had the nearly perfect life but then went back and re-did her fantasy to be so that she could save someone from a fire that she accidentally caused; seriously what are you thinking here? She decides she could go back one more time and rescue the person who dies in the fire. But it turns out that the dude died because the woman had left her tea kettle on accidentally and caused the fire. Err… wait. You decided to go back and try to save someone but you didn’t think to go back and NOT LEAVE THE KETTLE ON?!?!?!? Think before you change the past woman, Think! The moment to regret was leaving the kettle on. Period.

For the two dudes who, “wanted it all” and that apparently means a big house with models (women for the straight character and men for the gay character) I have a bit of advice for you. First, if your fantasy is almost completely a Tom Cruise movie knock off, be less materialistic. It’s cool that you are high-fiving bros and that the older brother accepts the younger gay brother for who he is and all but maybe, stop watching nothing but Tom Cruise movies. Also, I guess it’s good that there is some non-hetero representation in this film but it is pretty darn minimal and kind of an aside when the hetero brother gets to hang around like fifty women and there are like four guys for the non-hetero character. If these two guys could have been more like, I fantasize about having a good life, instead of a party weekend, they’d be less likely to be on the murder list I think. And when you see a huge house on loan to you for basically nothing, just go ahead and assume it was owned by drug dealers, especially when you see all the guns in the house. Maybe keep those with you and be ready to like, shoot the guys who try to shoot you instead of having to go get them later?

For the guy who wants to be a soldier but truly in his heart wants to die a hero, you were already a cop, do you not get shot at enough? I mean, I understand that you have regret that you didn’t go back into the burning building to rescue someone, but guess what? That won’t change if you become a soldier. And like, why did your dad end up in your fantasy? It was a stretch to say the least, but I guess they needed to fill time? So, next time, instead of wanting to be a soldier instead because you regret not saving someone as a cop, uh… fantasize about saving someone as a cop. Then you won’t be a dead dude who jumps on a grenade just like dear old dad.

For the woman who planned the whole elaborate fantasy to bring all these people together and then first, act like your fantasy was to get revenge on your high school bully, but then really you reveal toward the end that the whole fantasy is your doing and you want to straight up murder everyone, there was a much easier solution to your whole damn problem. You could have fantasized that the guy you dated one time, had left his apartment fifteen minutes earlier to go on your date. Or, if you knew that the one woman left the kettle on and started the fire, you could have fantasized that she, uh, didn’t leave the kettle on. I mean seriously, one kettle caused me to sit through an hour and forty-nine minutes of this garbage. ONE KETTLE. Also, in your whole twist thing there is a plot hole so big a convoy of semi trucks could drive through it. We watch this woman act as if she is horrified that it turns out the island got your actual high school bully and then you rescue her just to fake her out and then fake out everyone else. But, uh, no one else knew she was on the island so why didn’t you just straight up kill her? Why go through all that running around with Michael Rooker? You totally had a knife and stuff. Be a smarter killer, please. Go watch some Saw movies or something because using a mystical island for all this is just lazy and pointless.

For the woman who was the high school bully who was literally kidnapped and then tortured and then ended up getting a fantasy because you hadn’t drunk the water yet, what were you thinking? You fantasize that the murdery woman could be with her one date boyfriend forever so that the zombie version of that guy kills her. But by this time everyone knew that the reason for the fire was that another lady left the kettle on. I can’t emphasize this enough here FANTASIZE THAT SHE NEVER LEFT THE KETTLE ON INSTEAD!

To Mr. Roarke, who has a name I remember because everyone is asking for him all the time, you had the fantasy to have your wife back just as you first met her, forever? I mean really, have you never read The Monkey’s Paw or I dunno seen Aladdin? Bringing people back from the dead never works out for anyone. You probably should have just not gone to the island because then I would not have had to watch this movie.

And for Michael Rooker, uh, what exactly was the point of your character at all? I mean he kinda helped some women run around the island for a bit and said that Mr. Roarke was bad, and then he got killed. I don’t really see the point of that. Could you just go do some more Marvel or Walking Dead stuff instead? Thanks.

And finally, for the whole movie here. So it turns out that everyone on that island involved in this fantasy was at this apartment fire in one way or another, except for the woman who wanted to murder everyone. And one woman who regrets that day the most goes back to that day (although not to turn the kettle off because that wouldn’t make any sense) sees a bunch of these people. So you are telling me this woman did not recognize her neighbors or the cop who refused to help the person who died in the fire? You don’t remember the people from your most traumatizing day at all? I mean I know humans have shaky memories but this is a movie not reality so I had a seriously hard time believing that no one on that plane recognized anyone else on that plane.

Also, the reveal at the end that the one guy who stayed on the island had a tattoo of the word tattoo to justify him inevitably being in the sequel as the character tattoo? Dumbest franchise set up ever.

This movie annoyed me so much that I fantasized about being anywhere else and, yep, here I am back in my good ol’ dungeon with a pile of bad books and movies left to get through.

Until next time, make sure you turn your kettle off before you leave the building okay?

Nest time, I am going to review the Michael Bay opus, 6 Underground. It stars Ryan Reynolds, what could possibly go wrong? He never makes bad movies.

Fantastically yours,

Slick Dungeon