Santa’s Little Helper – #MovieReview

On the twelfth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Santa’s Little Helper. No not a full length feature about the dog from The Simpsons. That might be worth watching. This is a straight to DVD production made by the WWE. Yep, it’s a Christmas film made by and starring – pro wrestlers. Turns out that’s not a good idea at all.

Okay so here’s the plot of this, I guess we’ll call it a film? There’s a rich dude who is a jerk and he is going to foreclose on a youth center. But tables turn on him and in the next five minutes he loses his job, loses his girlfriend, gets his car repossessed, and gets his house foreclosed on. Meanwhile at the North Pole, Santa Claus is in need of a new helper. This is described as, “the ho ho ho” and as being, “the vice president of Santa Claus” at various points in the movie. Santa has a personal trainer who he asks to check out that jerk guy (Dax the Ax by name) for the job because, uh reasons? The trainer who is of course the love interest for Dax, puts him through a series of tests to see if he’s qualified for the job. Long story short, he gets the job after doing some humiliating stuff, loses the job, gets the job back, saves the youth center and the trainer gets the job in the end. Spoiler warning. Oops, should have put that earlier.

Here’s what’s amazing about this movie. And I don’t mean in a good way, I mean it’s amazing that any of this exists.

  • This has brilliant dialogue such as, “the car and I are in love”.
  • Also, “You’re giving Dax the Ax, the ax?”
  • Also, while talking to a building, “I’m going to take you down!”
  • Apparently the north pole looks exactly like a log cabin in the woods.
  • They have, “elves” there. How do we know they are elves? Two ways. First, they wear wool knit caps. Second they have pointed ears. The total number of elves we see with pointed ears (which by the way are just cheap bits of plastic glued to the wool knit caps)? One. But we know they must have pointed ears because they keep calling the trainer who has round ears, round ears. She has round ears due to a genetic birth defect. How do I know that? They say it like five times in the movie just to remind you that she is an elf and not just a normal human. Also, she has a low opinion of her looks because her ears are rounded, giving Dax the Ax the opportunity to hit on her and for her to say, “You really think I am beautiful?” despite the character being played by a woman that fits all the stereotypical ideals of Hollywood beauty.
  • The first test Dax has to do is go into a biker bar and say he hit one of their bikes because A) apparently that’s what Santa Claus needs and B) it gives a bunch of pro wrestling actors the chance to use their sweet, sweet wrestling moves in the bar fight scene.
  • Later in the movie there is a rival elf who wants to be, “the ho ho ho” and challenges Dax to a ropes competition. The actress playing the elf is a pro wrestler too so we get to see sweet, sweet wrestling moves on a ropes course too.
  • The second test Dax has to do is to dress up as a mascot at a kids pizza place during a kids birthday party. He threatens to punch one kid in the face and smashes the birthday boy into his own cake. Apparently this is the guy Santa Claus needs. But it’s okay because he turns the party into a food fight and everyone loves him for it? I dunno, wrestling logic I guess.
  • The third and final test Dax has to do is to help a stranger in need. This turns out to be an older man who has just been mugged. He lost his ring in the mugging and it was a family heirloom he was going to pass down to his kids. Dax the Ax sees the kids who did it and threatens them with bodily harm and returns the ring to the guy. The test is passed (the only test out of three he passed if we are keeping count) and the guy turns out to be Santa. So to be clear, Santa Claus needs a guy who, gets into a bar fight, wouldn’t last an hour working at a Chuck E. Cheese, and threatens to punch teenagers to get a ring back, but lets them keep the cash from the wallet. I guess Santa Claus needs some muscle who is not very good at following through?
  • The reason Santa Claus gives for wanting to hire Dax? He has potential to be a good man. Yep, that’s it. He didn’t want to find someone who was actually good. Or hire the trainer elf despite her being the most qualified. (Is Santa Claus a sexist? I don’t know but the WWE sure might be)
  • They use, “North Pole magic” by ringing a bell in this movie. At one point, the trainer uses it on Dax and he is wrapped up in wrapping paper. Apparently despite him being a pro wrestler, wrapping paper is just too hard to break out of.
  • Dax steals the bell in an effort to save the youth center but his first thing he does is to wish for a new car. This dude has not changed at all by the end of the movie but Santa still wants to hire him. Seriously?
  • This movie is an utter train wreck but it’s kinda hilarious to watch because you can see how some of them must have been thinking, “if The Rock can do it, so can I. This movie is my big break!”

That’s all of the horrible Christmas movies I can take for a while. My next movie reviews will be for the worst films of the last decade (one per year). I can’t wait? Err actually I can.

Merrily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

An Accidental Christmas – #MovieReview

On the eleventh day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me An Accidental Christmas.

Have you ever thought to yourself, what I really want to watch is the Parent Trap but during Christmas and without any interesting camera effects, and taking place on a beach? Well, this is the film for you. As a bonus it has acting as wooden as a solid oak desk. The whole thing was dull and heartless despite being a supposed love story of reconnection.

The kids in the family basically trick their separated parents into spending Christmas at this beach house they own and falling back in love. There’s not any more to the plot and you have to suffer through ninety minutes of it for it to end exactly as you would have predicted.

For this one I actually have two antidote films to watch instead. Obviously you could just watch The Parent Trap (either version) but that wouldn’t be a Christmas movie. Still, it’s much better than this one. My second antidote film is Christmas in Connecticut. It’s a good solid comedy and it also involves lying and subterfuge but in a much better way.

Tomorrow I will be posting the last of the Twelve Terrible Days of Christmas. I hope you have enjoyed these reviews more than I have enjoyed the utter hell of watching these movies.

Merilly Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas – #MovieReview

On the fifth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas.

Here is a movie that could have worked and been a cute romantic comedy if the premise wasn’t so absurdly stupid. This is about a young woman who is a bit stuck in life, getting small time jobs and getting fired from them. She’s also been dating a bit but hasn’t found her true love yet. She has a roommate who is supportive of her through thick and thin. Jess, the woman, finally goes on a successful date and is promptly killed in a car accident because she was texting and driving with the guy she just had the date with. The next day she wakes up as a literal ghost. She turns to her roommate to get help and they find out that she needs, “big love” to ascend to heaven. She goes on dates with the dude but in the end she still doesn’t ascend. Finally they figure out that her big love needed is more or less to apologise to her roommate for not being there for her. Then she goes to heaven and in less than a year the dude ends up dead too and goes to heaven. Apparently heaven is the bar where they had their first date and played trivia night.

Honestly the romance kind of works and so does the friendship with the roommate but the whole literal ghost thing? Not so much.

I had a few questions.

  • Why is she sometimes intangible and sometimes not? That makes no sense.
  • They keep talking about It’s a Wonderful Life, why didn’t they end the movie that way?
  • It was really obvious that the actress kept almost touching stuff but then realized oh wait I am a ghost and can’t touch that. Couldn’t they have increased the special effects budget slightly to make that more believable.
  • At one point she has to ask her friend to open the door for her. Can’t she just walk through the wall since she is a ghost?

The obvious antidote to this movie is It’s a Wonderful Life. Just rewatch that.

Merrily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Four Christmases – #MovieReview

On the fourth day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Four Christmases. This movie takes one Christmas and somehow makes it into four terrible Christmases which adds up to one terrible movie.

This stars Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn as a couple who have dated for about three years and avoided having Christmas with their families by lying about doing charity work. That last part tells you what horrible people these are if they are willing to lie about something like that. Had there been any character growth by the end of the movie I might have gotten over that but in the end they do the same type of lying but about their first child being born. What was the point of this whole movie if that happens? I got the job impression the whole time that these were self centered jerk wads and were never going to change and the end confirms that.

Let me explain. No there is no time. Let me sum up.

The couple get caught on camera trying to leave for a vacation on Christmas Eve after they have told their parents they were doing charity work. They are caught red handed and now have to spend Christmas day visiting with each of their divorced parents. Needless to say things get out of hand and comedy ensues. In the end this couple is supposedly brought closer together and learn that Christmas and families are not so bad.

Normally in my reviews at this point I would give you a list of questions I had while watching it. But this time my only real questions were; how long was this day because no way they fit all those visits into less than twenty four hours and why did anyone think this film was a good idea? So instead I am going to give you the one and only reason to watch this at all.

  • John Favreau in a mohawk acting like a UFC fighter aggressively eating chicken.

That’s the best part of this. Other than that skip it.

The best antidote to this one is Love Actually because in that movie you get the impression that nice people are in love, actually.

Merrily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Christmas with the Kranks – #MovieReview

On the third day of Christmas my rancid ex gave to me Christmas with the Kranks.

Slick Dungeon here, still stuck in a dungeon, still slogging through the worst of the Christmas movies available.

Christmas with the Kranks is about a couple of empty nesters whose daughter has just left to go to Peru to work in the peace corps. The dad played by Tim Allen has decided to skip Christmas and take his wife on a cruise to the Caribbean instead. Most of the movie is spent watching the neighbors, co-workers and non-profit organizations harrass the Kranks, trying to get them to do the same thing they have done for years and years. But surprise, surprise, the daughter comes home and the neighbors and the Kranks have to get together and whip up a bunch of Christmas for her asap. Everyone comes together and all is saved. Yay!

I have a few questions

  • Mr. Krank pretty much wants to opt out of everything Christmas because doing so would be cheaper and they can afford the cruise easier. He is harrassed relentlessly for this. Here is what I don’t get. Why can’t Krank do the non-monetary things like putting up decorations and attend parties but not pay for gifts and stuff? Who made these rules?
  • Also, why can’t the neighbors let up? Seems really out of the holiday spirit to hound people with intense peer pressure to conform.
  • Why didn’t the Krank parents tell their daughter that they were going to go on a cruise? I mean the whole problem at the end could be solved with a single phone call placed a week earlier.
  • Here’s one thing that bothered me to no end. There are some Cub scouts and their leader who are selling Christmas trees. They expect Krank to buy the same kind of tree as last year but Krank doesn’t want to. So they go away but when Krank needs a tree the scouts try to upsell him by a huge margin. This is extremely un-scoutlike behavior. How did the Boy Scouts allow people in their official uniforms to be portrayed like that?!
  • There were two instances of people getting electrocuted in a humorous manner. I know that has been done to death but I could have used more of it in this film.
  • The neighbors in this movie are so nuts, how does anyone decide to live there? If you don’t do everything you did the year previously you are dead to them. I think I would take my Christmas cookies and go live somewhere else.
  • The daughter is fawned over throughout the movie but we barely see her. Why is she worth all the trouble to these neighbors who clearly don’t like anyone doing anything they deem unusual?
  • What’s so wrong about going on a cruise for Christmas anyway? It’s like they think he is a Satan worshipper because of it. Back off people.

This movie should have been funnier but none of it quite works. It just comes off as kind of mean and troubling to me.

This movie is about a guy wanting to get away for the holidays. I have an antidote for that. Watch Home Alone to see just how bad things can go when you do leave. It’s much funnier and is rewatchable for a reason

Merrily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Holiday In Handcuffs – #MovieReview

On the second day of Christmas, my horrid ex sent to me, Holiday in Handcuffs.

Hello everyone. This is Slick Dungeon and I am here to prevent you from seeing the worst of the worst of the Christmas movies. We’ve got 12 days of this in store for us so buckle up because these movies all stink.

Yesterday I reviewed Saving Christmas, starring Kirk Cameron. That film was terrible and while this one today is not quite as bad as that one, it’s still not one you should watch.

Here’s the plot of Holiday in Handcuffs. It’s the day before Christmas and a woman is stressed out to the max because she is interviewing for a new job. Her parents call and harass her about it, which results in a really bad hair day. She ends up late to the interview because of the hair tragedy and an immense amount of traffic. She doesn’t get the job. She is supposed to go to her parents house to celebrate Christmas. She plans to take her boyfriend Nick who she has been dating for a short time. Her boyfriend shows up at her current waitress job and dumps her. Then her parents call again fully expecting her to be on her way to their place with Nick. The woman, Trudie (played by Sabrina the Teenage Witch), panics and kidnaps the first guy she sees at gunpoint. Her plan is to have him pretend to be her boyfriend for the weekend and then they part company. The kidnapped guy, David (played by Slater from Saved by the Bell) had been in the diner to propose to his girlfriend. Through the course of the weekend they fall in love and everyone has a generally merry Christmas.

I had a few questions.

  • Mario Lopez is like three times bigger than Melissa Joan Hart so why didn’t he ever just overpower her at literally any point in the entire movie?
  • Who thinks the most romantic place to propose to someone is at a diner?
  • David tells several people that he has been kidnapped but no one believes him because Trudie tells them he likes to do this as a joke. But really, I don’t think in actual life it would have been that hard for him to convince people. He even gets to a phone but calls his girlfriend instead of the cops. What? Why? What kind of a moron is this guy?
  • Trudie spends the whole movie acting insane and so does the rest of her family but somehow David thinks this is great?
  • When the plot finally goes belly up and the cops do show up to rescue David, they arrest the whole freaking family. Grandma included. But it was clear that no one except Trudie even suspected that David was the victim of a kidnapping so why the heck would they be put in prison?
  • Of course we have to find out that there is more to Trudie but just because there is more to someone that does not really exculpate you from a felony does it?
  • It’s pretty clear David’s current girlfriend isn’t really right for him but does he have to go for the woman who kidnapped him? I mean seriously I wouldn’t get over that.
  • At one point David tries to escape. He is walking in a bit of snow but it’s not like knee high or anything. Trudie comes to get him with the car and says he has been walking for the last hour and has gone 1.8 miles. To which I ask, why is he such a sloooooow walker??? Trudie, dump this guy, he can’t keep up.
  • David is supposed to be this super successful vice president of something or other but of course hasn’t followed his own dreams of being an architect so that he can live comfortably. In the end he does become an architect with his own business but it is never made clear how he got his start up money, or why he would suddenly have connections in the art and architecture world. David is clearly up to felonious behavior now too. I think he got that from Trudie.
  • Also in the end David was supposed get married but he shows up and kidnaps Trudie, so they can be together I suppose. But here is the thing, Trudie sees in the newspaper that David is supposedly married now. You know what she doesn’t do? ASK HIM IF HE IS MARRIED NOW! I mean I think that is important information to confirm if you find your one true love. Am I crazy here? Wouldn’t you ask that immediately?

That feels like a good place to stop.

I will tell you that with these 12 days of Christmas movies, I am going to try to give you the antidote to each one. This one is about two people randomly getting together to fall in love over Christmas. I would call that Serendipitous. So naturally, the best alternative to this one is Serendipity. It’s not strictly just a Christmas movie but a lot of the best scenes happen during that season and really, how can you not like John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale? Plus you get Molly Shannon on the side.

That’s it for today but rest up because tomorrow we are spending Christmas with the Kranks and it’s going to take a lot out of me.

Merrily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Lizzie Borden Took an Ax – #MovieReview

Soundtrack Choices are Important

Hello out there internet people. Slick Dungeon here to tell you about why a made for television movie is not worth watching. Bet you never would have guessed that right?

Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done she gave her father forty-one.

We’ve all probably heard that rhyme a few times in our lives. Likely while someone was skipping rope. And if the film version starring Christina Ricci had its way, that would pretty much sum up the whole story. Except for the fact that there were eleven axe wounds inflicted on the father and around 17 on the mother. Pretty much the rest of the film just wants to scream guilty at Lizzie.

Ricci’s portrayal is almost downright maniacal and I don’t see how any jury would have found her not guilty acting the way she was in the film. In reality I am sure it was a lot more of a gray area.

The film goes into gory detail pretty quickly but doesn’t cast much doubt as to who murdered Lizzie’s parents. Lizzie has an older sister who in the movie lies to protect her, even though that made no sense at all. The acting is not good in this and the story is so black and white it feels like it is cut out of a newspaper from the time period. But all of that said, you know what freaking kills this movie to death? THE SOUNDTRACK!!

They stupidly decided to go with modern popish music with depressing and disorienting undertones that in no way work. As annoyed as I was by forcing my eyes to view this, it’s my ears that were truly offended.

There is no way to concentrate on the images and drama happening in this movie while listening to the soundtrack.

This is a story that has been told over and over in a variety of formats. I don’t know if Lizzie is guilty or not and I doubt anyone will ever know for sure but this movie doesn’t add anything to the story in any way.

So what were the film makers thinking? I think I have their thought process below.

  • Hey what’s that song my kid is singing, is that real?
  • It is, I should look it up on wikepedia.
  • Holy moly, it’s a real murder.
  • I bet I can make a movie about a famous murder.
  • I’m gonna write it right now, but you know pretty much as the papers had it.
  • Now I am going to cast it. I bet I can get a big star, Christina Ricci is available right?
  • Okay, watching the dailies.
  • Wait, will the audience understand that this murder-y acting character is a murderer? Not sure, let me add some more obvious information. And let’s make sure to show her holding an ax. A lot.
  • Hey I wonder if there are any other possible explanations for this murder? Possibly, according to the papers of the time. I am going to make sure to just gloss over those. Wouldn’t want to make it not obvious because the audience would be too dumb to grasp it.
  • You know, I don’t think Lizzie looks guilty enough, let’s have her look like a crazy evil person at the camera. Maybe they will get it now?
  • Okay, almost done, time to add a soundtrack that will give the proper mood, make some mystery and turn this into a great film. Wait, let’s just add pop music.
  • This is gonna be huge, We’re going to release this to theaters and take our bags of money based on the gory details of this famous murder!
  • Oh, made for TV movie instead? Sure, why not.

The moral of the story here is, if you want to make a movie about a rhyme that relates to a murder, you still need to make a good movie. The rhyme can’t do it all.

My next film reviews will be in Christmas mode, so get ready for some festive joy when I count down the 12 days of terrible Christmas movies.

Guiltily yours,

Slick Dungeon

#realityhigh – #MovieReview

This Film is Netflix Famous

#What’sup everyone? Slick Dungeon here with yet another movie review of a movie that you should definitely avoid watching.

You know how people go around annoyingly posting their life on instagram all the time? You know how every teen comedy/romance/drama ever is about a nerdy girl (who is clearly attractive but just wearing glasses and braces) who becomes pretty (by wearing a dress and doing her hair and makeup) and then gets ogled by her classmates for changing her look (yet no one ever mentions how overtly horrible these guys looking are) and then gets noticed by her hot crush (who is typically a jerk but not always) and then ignores her true friends (who obviously don’t want to be stuck in the friend zone for all time) and then has to go back to being the “nerdy” girl (but still is able to dress up when she wants to for say prom or something) and then everything works out so that the girl either gets the hot guy (if he is nice) or the friend gets the formerly nerdy girl (if the hot guy is a jerk) and the movie wraps up with a life lesson where you now know that what it takes in life is to be true to yourself (but apparently wearing make up and ditching the glasses is a plus)? Yeah, that’s this movie. Also, you know how the Fyre festival was super hyped up to be full of amazing influential people who are super wealthy and attractive and the party was going to be amazing but then turned out to just suck? That’s also this movie.

Look, any movie title with a hashtag at the beginning was doomed to be crappy. Then putting it in a high school was also just asking for garbage here. It’s kind of hard to summarize what is exactly wrong with this film but there is plenty to dissect. Let me start by summarizing the plot.

Dani is our main character. She starts the film at a camp where her friend tells her that a boy she likes wants to make out with her. We all see this coming right? When she gets there and tries to kiss the boy, it turns out to be a prank where they get her to almost kiss a pig. Then she gets stuck with all kinds of nicknames like pigs breath etc. We can all feel for Dani even though it also feels like we have seen this exact same scene one hundred thousand times before.

Fast forward to high school. Dani isn’t any more popular than she was before. She’s gone from wearing braces to a retainer and she seems a bit awkward but overall she’s doing fine. At school though, she is still made fun of, and the boy she likes is dating this instagram/youtube model who is extremely shallow and mean. This is Alexa and it’s obvious this will be Dani’s rival for the whole film. And obviously she is the same person who set up the stunt at the camp years ago.

We get to see Dani do things like be nice to dogs at the clinic she volunteers at, get into arguments with her sister who trends way more online than Dani herself and hang out with her friend Freddie who is an aspiring DJ.

Dani has an interview for a scholarship and decides to get dressed up fancy and go to school. Everyone notices. Also, around this time, the hot guy that Dani likes breaks up with Alexa. Everyone notices that too. Cameron, the aforementioned hot guy is now available and interested in Dani. The rest of the film is Dani making bad choices like going to parties when she shouldn’t, letting her friend Freddie down and saying things she shouldn’t in front of her boyfriend. Then, you know, making it all right again.

Watching all of that is just like watching… every teen movie ever.

There are a couple of twists and turns that are changed up just slightly enough to make this not exactly the same as all these movies but close. The hot guy who Dani has been in love with forever turns out to actually be a really nice guy and to have had a crush on Dani since prior to her getting dressed up. The guy stuck in the friend zone acts as outraged as he should for being screwed over by Dani but doesn’t go ahead and lay the bomb of being in love with her this whole time. Most of the characters are portrayed as being at least somewhat smart and caring, with the exception of Alexa and even she fakes it for a little bit (albeit to get what she wants). The parents in the film are caring and only kind of out of touch, not completely ignorant of their kids troubles. And finally, the whole thing looks like it was an attempt at being an instagram story in and of itself.

A few things definitely stuck out to me here though. I have a list.

  • As far as pranks go, the whole pig kissing thing seems pretty mild and I think that it would have been forgotten more or less before these people got to high school
  • The Alexa character literally walks into school with her dog, a bunch of cameras, and a group of friends. The principal reasonably stops her to ask what the dog is doing there to which Alexa claims it is a service dog and that the principal must hate dogs, or people who need them, and she could just tell her nine million followers about it. Yet the principal doesn’t ask for any proof it is a service dog! Sorry, but schools actually have rules about these things and if the principal had let that go like that in real life, he would have said goodbye to his job. I know, it’s dumb to complain about a fictional film being unrealistic in something like this but when it is that obvious to me, it feels like the film makers are just being lazy.
  • Freddie is desperate to be a DJ. He needs Dani to give him a ride but ends up two hours late because she flakes on him. He ends up getting a Lyft over there and is still two hours late. Dude, when you know you will be a little late, get your butt where you are supposed to be!!!
  • Dani is a smart person but is very easily swept up into the whole internet famous world and goes from a non-drinker to showing up drunk at Cameron’s important television interview. That seemed like a huge shift in character waaaaay too fast.
  • A disturbingly large amount of this film involves Bob’s Big Boy.
  • After Alexa betrayed Dani once, why would she trust her again? This makes no sense.
  • Speaking of Alexa, she seems like a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Why does she have friends again?
  • The acting in this is not bad but there are zero stand out performances and honestly after watching this, I can’t think of a single line of dialogue that sticks out to me at all.
  • At one point Dani runs her dad’s credit card for a $400 shoe purchase. Later her dad calmly tells her she still owes him the money. The level of parental rage portrayed over that was far, far, far below what should be reasonable expected in this situation.
  • This film definitely gives good reason to just quit social media but no one does it.

Basically if you have seen a movie with teenagers in it, you’ve seen this. Don’t bother wasting your time watching it. Just watch Mean Girls again instead. Also, just as a side note, Netflix could have put more money into Stranger Things or something like that but nope, they wanted to go with this garbage.

Next week I will be back with another review of what was originally a made for TV drama, Lizzie Borden Took an Ax. I don’t know where she took it to though…

#Yours,

Slick Dungeon

Yoga Hosers – #MovieReview

I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today!

It’s November and around here at Slick Dungeon’s Dusty Tomes and Terrible Films that means turkey. And boy do I have a turkey of a movie for you.

Kevin Smith is a witty and gifted film director. He has made some brilliant films that touch upon and reflect current attitudes among working people, that say important things about relationships, and usually at their heart are about friends overcoming adversity, even if that adversity is as simple as struggling through a typical work day in a boring job. Yoga Hosers accomplishes none of that.

Yoga Hosers is a spin off of the Kevin Smith project Tusk. Full disclosure I have not watched Tusk so I can’t really evaluate how this fits with that. I can tell you that Yoga Hosers is a terrible, terrible film. It lacks any charm and although there is some humor there, most of it veers off into the insanely inept.

Now, I actually like a lot of Kevin Smith films, especially his work from the nineties, including Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy. While all of those had their issues, not one of them came even close to being as much of a waste of time as Yoga Hosers.

I am going to attempt to summarize Yoga Hosers but it’s difficult to make this make sense.

There are two fifteen year old girls, both named Colleen. They work at a convenience store called the Eh-to-Zed in Canada. They are both in high school. That’s about where the plot stops making sense. These girls spend a day rocking out at their store, after which a customer is mysteriously killed. The only thing we know is that whatever killed that customer is small and crawled up his, er, you know, where the sun don’t shine.

The Colleens are unaware of this and go on their day to school, doing some yoga at a strip mall yoga place called Yogi Bayer’s, and generally doing a bunch of instagram posting or whatever.

The Colleens are asked to a party by a couple of High School Seniors. This is thrilling but the Colleens get stuck having to work and are unable to attend. So one of the Colleens calls the boy she likes and suggests they bring the party to the convenience store. Problem solved.

Only there are more problems and here’s where it gets weird. First, the two boys who come over to the convenience store try to kill the Colleen’s because they are “Really into Satan.” The Colleens are able to defend themselves with Yoga poses they learned from Yogi Bayer. Then those two boys die because more, uh, small things (I promise I will reveal what they are and you are going to think it is stupid) crawl up their respective rear ends. The Colleens are safe but now are arrested for murder. But before that happens, the Colleens are attacked by what I can only describe as, bratwurst dressed as Canadian mounties yelling in German. Yeah, you read that right.

Earlier in the film, when the Colleens (aka the Yoga Hosers) were in school they learned about a Canadian Nazi who wanted to control Canda by sending people to the Hudson river.

Also earlier in the school day this dude who wrote some book that I think must relate to something that happened in Tusk came in and interviewed the Colleens. He’s seen something supernatural before so when these bratwurst attack he has no problem believing the Colleens and springing them out of jail. But they don’t have their phones.

They go back to the convenience store in order to get changed and they discover a secret passageway. The passageway leads to this huge room which is where the Canadian Nazis were doing experiments including cryogenic freezing and cloning. So, remember those small things that were killing people? Yeah it was the bratwurst. For the rest of the film they are called Bratzis. Turns out that one of the Canadian Nazis was frozen and then made bratwurst clones to do his bidding. He spent a lot of time on Netflix to acclimate himself to current culture and now, he doesn’t exactly want to be a Nazi but more of an artist. He’s created a sculpture out of, uh, human flesh and a hockey mask. This thing can be piloted by the Bratzis. The Nazi guy wants the Colleens to take a picture of him so he can be in Them magazine and be famous. They can’t because they don’t have their phones. So instead, the Nazi orders this weird sculpture to kill all the art critics in Canada. The Colleens are able to defend themselves and stop the thing once again using Yoga. The Bratzis are stopped, the Nazi dies, the book author gets to write a new book and the Colleens are still stuck in their boring old jobs and still in High School. But they do get to sing a rendition of O Canada to take us into the credits. Also at the very end of the credits we hear the sound clip of Kevin Smith on his podcast where he first heard the term yoga hosers.

That may or may not be the weirdest film summary I have ever written but it’s right up there with one of the weirdest films I have ever seen. There are a very few funny things in this film and I am going to point them out.

  • Justin Long plays an awesome militant yogi and I found myself wanting to see him in way more scenes.
  • Jason Mewes has a cameo because, well of course he does.
  • Harley Quinn Smith (Kevin’s daughter) yelling I’m not even supposed to be here today was a great modern nod to Clerks and I am totally here for that.

And that’s everything good in this, period. Honestly, there was a lot in this that I straight up couldn’t figure out and it was pretty jarring. It was random and weird but not in a good way. At least Kevin has a lot of other good films going for him and those I can get on board with.

Next week I will be watching #realityhigh I bet it #reallysucks.

Candianly (but not really) yours,

Slick Dungeon

Barely Lethal – #MovieReview

Wait, Is this a Marvel Movie?

Hello out there on the surface world! Slick Dungeon here. I hope everyone had a great Halloween last week and no one got their faces melted by a mask with a shamrock on it. Now that the glorious month of horror is over, I am back to watching any bad movie and reading any bad book out there. For my movie review this week, I watched Barely Lethal.

I kept hearing about this movie, people telling me how bad it was and that I definitely needed to watch it. I stayed away from it for a long because, well, that title just kind of grosses me out. Worst pun for a film ever. Seriously. Title aside though, was this a terrible film?

Yup.

I’m sure you could have guessed this film was stupid. What I was not aware of was that it starred Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Alba and Sophie Turner.

Before I get into the plot of this dud, Let’s think about those stars for a minute. That means Nick Fury, Sue Storm and Jean Grey all teamed up to be in a film about girls being raised to be lethally effective assassins for the government. How is this not the Black Widow movie? Really, I don’t get it.

You know what else I don’t get? Why this movie exists.

The idea of the plot is not actually that bad. A young orphan girl is trained by a government agency to be a killer but what she really wants is to have a normal life and experience high school. Sure, okay, given the right writing and acting I could buy into this.

Instead we get a montage of little kids fighting and Sam Jackson just yelling at them. They do stuff like knife skills, car chases and sparring. For the car chase a kid gets out of the car and there is literally no way she could have seen over the dash so I have no idea how she was driving.

Samuel L. Jackson spends the movie pretty much being Nick Fury but without the eye patch. He wants to hunt down Jessica Alba’s character because, uh, bad guy I guess? And Sophie Turner spends her portion of the movie as a jealous and angry rival for Megan.

During a mission to capture Jessica Alba, Megan fakes her own death and goes to live with a family as a high school exchange student. Megan did her research by watching all the nineties teen movies and seems to think that is extensive research, despite the fact that there is YouTube, Twitter and plain old Google that would give her a more modern take.

This movie then spends the next third trying to flip the old high school movie tropes on their heads. The cheerleaders are actually nice. The popular guy does like Megan right away. Of course the one they don’t change is the sort of nerdy guy in the friend zone being the right match for Megan.

Inevitably Nick Fury gets wind of where Megan is and tells her that she has to wrap up loose ends and come back to the secret compound. Megan is not cool with that because – homecoming. Yeah, it’s always a prom or a homecoming dance in these teen romances. I will say that the homecoming dance part was improved with a kung-fu fight between Megan and Sophie Turner. Also, as a side note, if you are wondering why the only character I am referring to as their character name is Megan, it’s because none of the rest of the characters were worth remembering.

The film goes on, Megan bonds with her family, she defeats her enemy, captures the bad guy, goes to homecoming, loses her date, gets her date and is allowed to live a normal life. Yay!

There are a few things that stood out to me in this film.

  • Dan Fogler plays a seriously disturbingly lecherous teacher towards the popular kid, Cash in this film. It was as cringe-worthy as the title and I can’t stop thinking of how gross it was because, Dan Fogler is not a minor and the popular kid, was a minor. Really gross man. Please just stick to The Walking Dead, okay Dan?
  • To be honest there are a few good lines in this movie but the rest was so bad, I can’t even remember them anymore.
  • The kid who plays the little brother in the exchange student family, was kind of awesome playing around with all of Megan’s deadly toys.
  • I also liked the turn around of the drunk goofus named Gooch who turns out to be a kind and sensitive guy by the end of the film.
  • There was a stinger at the end of the film that would imply there could be sequels to this.
  • Please God no.
  • If you want maybe the worst every double feature of people poorly portraying lethal agents, pair this one with Undercover Grandpa. They are both on Netflix so if you need to Netflix and chill, emphasis on chill, it’s a great match up.

Next week I am going to take on one of my favorite directors who just happens to have made a really bad film. Yoga Hosers watch out!

Lethally yours,

Slick Dungeon