31 Days of Horror – Day 10

What horror comes out of the ground and rises again and again no matter how many times you try to kill it? Zombies! Everyone’s favorite undead creatures keep coming back, unless you put something right through their ol’ noggins. But what kind of walking dead is the best kind? Fast zombies, slow zombies, original zombies? My vote is graphic novel zombies!

Today you get zombie horror! Even if you are bored of the show, read the book, it’s freaking brilliant!

What horrors are coming your way tomorrow? I can’t say but it will sing a catchy tune, that’s for sure!

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 9

Who’s the man who is, umm… lots of men actually? Not Frankenstein, because that is just the guy who sewed up the parts. But Frankenstein’s monster is more like it! There’s been a ton of horror stories about humanity going too far in it’s pursuit of better living through science. But the best one, and the one that people are still remaking (Jurassic Park is pretty much Frankenstein but with dinosaurs) is and always will be Mary Shelley’s beloved classic Frankenstein.

While Boris Karloff made a career out of playing the monster, the book is a thousand times better than any filmed adaptation. But still, I dare you to think of anyone but Boris as a better monster.

Today you get Frankenstein’s monster horror!

What might come up out of the grave to horrify you tomorrow? I can’t say but it sure walks a lot!

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 8

Not all horror comes in the form of films or books or even campfire stories. Sometimes they come from the kitchen! What do you give to a person who just barely survived a terrifying night, running away from a deranged slasher serial killer? I can only think of one thing. Cake!

Today you get cake horror! Now doesn’t that cake just say it all?

What horrors might jump out of your cupboard next? You should know by now that I am not telling. But I can give you a clue, it’s some assembly required.

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

Chopping Mall – #MovieReview

Thank You and Have a Nice Day

Well hello out there internet people, it’s Slick Dungeon coming to you from deep underground. I’m here in my dungeon and I am stuck watching some really strange stuff. This week I watched the eighties classic Chopping Mall.

First off, if you are one of those folks who was born well after the 1980’s and you decide to have an 80’s party, stop with all the day glow neon and headbands and stuff. Educate yourselves by watching movies like Chopping Mall, where the filmmakers were on a tight budget and I am pretty sure wardrobe was bring your own clothes with you. The fashion is still bad and it’s a lot more accurate. So many mullets and feathered hairdos I lost count!

Anyway, I think I was supposed to review this thing right? Yeah, okay so I thought based on the title that this was going to about a serial killer who hung out in a mall and chopped people up. Nope! This is about killer robots that go bad and shoot lasers, electrocute and strangle people. There was, and I mean this literally, no chopping, in Chopping Mall. Not one person that died was chopped.

Still, this movie is so awkward it’s kind of awesome. For those of you not acquainted with it, the film takes place in a mall. Well, duh. A group of friends decide to have a party in the mall after hours where they drink, have sex and dance to some heavily synthecized eighties music. I guess no one’s house was available? Anyway the film tries to blur the line and make sure you know these are adults while still sort of implying they have curfews as if they were teenagers.

Anyway, these people having their party did not count on a lightning storm happening outside. Because you know what happens when there is a lightning storm? You got it, it hits the mainframe computer and normal robots go crazy. Just ask Short Circuit. But in this case, instead of a military robot turning nice, these brand new security robots turn into lethal death machines. There are only three of them because, budget.

The party people get locked in with these rolling bots and have to fight for their lives. The first couple are taken down in no time at all because, they don’t realize the robots have gone bad. Why the heck the rest of them keep splitting up is totally beyond me. Never split the party!

The guys gear up with all kinds of guns that can only be found in and American mall and the girls try sneaking around in the air ducts. The air ducts seemed like the best choice to me because it leads to the parking lot but the girls don’t stay there because it gets hot and claustrophobic. The boys, meanwhile find the first of the robots. Right before that one of the guys says the best line in the whole film, “Let’s send these f—–s a Rambo-gram!” Rambo-gram, I like it. I think I will use it for my social media platform idea of bringing over-steroided actors together with survivors of killer robot incidents. Watch out Mark Zuckerberg, Slick’s on the loose!

Despite the fact that no mall would have loaded and filled propane tanks, the guys set one out in front of the robot and blast it away. Explosion ensues and the robot seemingly dies. Until it gets up like we all knew it would. But that doesn’t happen for a few scenes.

One by one these people make the dumbest mistakes. Like not getting out of the way when a robot is in front of them. Or not sticking obstacles in front of the robots since they only kind of roll around. These robots would be toast anywhere with stairs but lucky for them — escalators.

They also use mannequins as decoys but then stand to the side of the mannequins to shoot. What a bunch of morons!

They figure out that maybe they should shut down the main computer and try to make their way to the third level. They basically get picked off one by one trying to do that.

At one point a guy shoots a robot eight times with a six shot revolver without ever reloading. Another time, a woman hangs off the side of a balcony and her hands move to different rungs without her ever actually moving herself up or down. Also, none of the bullets ever pierce a propane tank but they all explode when shot at.

Long story short they mostly die but do manage to take down the robots. The only ones who live in the end are the two people who never wanted to go to the party in the first place. To which I say, that’s why I don’t go to parties!!!

The two that live will seemingly have a nice long life but boy are they going to have to explain a lot to the police when they show up.

A few things about this film before I go though.

  • Who in their right minds thinks it’s a good idea to have doors that lock down a mall with no possible way of unlocking it for an entire night? That has to be a fire code violation right?
  • Did you know this mall is the same one used in the Arnold Schwarzeneggar cheesefest that is Commando? Well, now you do.
  • Every time the robots kill someone they say, “Thank you and have a nice day.” I hate it when people say that to me on a normal day, but after you kill me? Forget it!
  • The most awesome part of this whole movie is that the pet store is named Roger’s Little Shop of Pets. This is a callback to Roger Corman’s The Little Shop of Horrors. This is relevant because Chopping Mall was produced by Corman’s wife Julie. Don’t get confused here, The Little Shop of Horrors is not the musical Little Shop of Horrors. It’s the film the musical was based on!
  • I had to wonder if the people who designed the killer robots for Robocop watched Chopping Mall and thought, those treads on those robots look totally stupid, let’s give ours legs that will fall over easily!
  • Finally, and I mean this most sincerely of all, who thinks it’s a good idea to have a party in a mall?!?!?!?!? Seriously man, what the heck?

I’ll be back next week to review a film about a killer clown. No not that one. No not that one either, those were aliens not clowns. Yeah, you got it, Stitches!

Consumeristically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 7

A lot of us go around in life feeling like freaks. Not that many of us actually are. I mean, I am perfectly normal other than the fact that I fell into a dungeon with nothing but bad books and movies to review. A dungeon that happens to have a surprisingly strong WiFi connection. Well, that and my dapper top hat and cane of course, they are freakishly stylistic. But you know who are freaks? The stars of 1932’s film classic, Freaks!

Today you get freakish horror! If you have not scene this fascinating film, drop everything and become, “One of us. One of us.”

What horrors are waiting to peek around the corner at you tomorrow? I won’t tell you but it will be delicious!

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 6

Slick Dungeon here again. It’s October and we are celebrating everything horror related. Today we pay homage to the best of the best scream queens. And no I do not mean the television show. I’m talking about the originals, Janet Leigh who broke it open with the most famous shower scene in all of film history and her daughter Jamie Lee Curtis who absolutely perfected screaming on screen with the classiest of the slashiest films Halloween.

Today you get screaming horror!

What horrors are coming your way tomorrow? I can’t say but it will be freakish!

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 5

Welcome back to the dungeon. When I think of horror, all the classic monster books and movies come to my mind. But there is one book that has undeniably been fascinating and scaring us for more than two hundred years. The one and only Dracula.

Today you get Classic horror!

If you have never read this classic, drop everything and go out and do it now!

What horrors await you tomorrow? I could whisper it to you, but I won’t because it’s going to be a scream.

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 4

How did we already get to the fourth day of October? I gotta tell ya, in case you haven’t figured it out, I love October. I love horror and I seriously enjoy being scared. I know, probably should have that conditioned checked professionally right? But anyway, there is only one man in America who has scared people consistently for decades and shows zero signs of stopping.

Today you get literary horror! Stephen King is the absolute master. Although I would like to point out some of his books are not horror related at all and remain brilliant.

Just look at that face! He could scare a killer clown!

What horrors await you tomorrow? I can’t say but it’s gonna be classic

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 3

You know what’s great to do late at night, when no one is in the house and you feel like watching something utterly absurd and full of gore? Watch the Toxic Avenger!

Today you get toxic horror! Everyone’s favorite mutated environmentalist taught us all how to beat people up with a mop.

What horrors await you tomorrow? I don’t want to say, but I hope you are all well read.

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon

31 Days of Horror – Day 2

You know what I love when it comes to truly, horrifying, bloody and tragic tales? Dancing and singing!

Today you get Broadway Horror!

Lift your razor high Sweeney!

Also, let’s not have any more of that Johnny Depp tomfoolery. The only way to truly appreciate this master musical is to see it performed live in front of you.

Also, if you happen to be in the market for a gently used, trick barber chair, lightly stained with buckets of blood, I know where you can get it. Just above the best pie shop in London (used to be the worst) on Fleet Street circa early 19th century. Get it now while the gettin’s good!

What horrors await you tomorrow?

I don’t want to spill the nuclear waste but let’s just say, it’s toxic.

Horrifically yours,

Slick Dungeon