Ice-T’s Finest Work to Date
What’s up party people? Err, actually what’s up people reading my blog quietly to yourselves. It’s Slick Dungeon back with a review for an exceptionally stupid movie, Leprechaun 5: In the Hood.
I can hear the protests now. Why would I review a movie about a leprechaun in the middle of the month of October? Shouldn’t I have saved this for St. Patrick’s Day? To this I answer, much like the underprivileged neighborhoods depicted in this film, leprechauns just don’t get enough screen time as a general rule. I’m here to correct that. Leprechauns can be terrifying. But not this one.
This isn’t supposed to be terrifying anyway. No, this is a nonfictional film that is an excellent instructional video on how to have a hip-hop music career. Follow these instructions and you too can be just like Postmaster P. and launch a big rap career in Las Vegas. It gets a little complicated though, so pay close attention here.
Step 1: Let Ice-T (aka Mac Daddy) and a buddy go on a quest somewhere and find a statue of a leprechaun wearing a gold chain. Next to the leprechaun is a pot of gold containing many treasures and in particular a tiny golden flute.
Step 2: Let Ice-T do some of his most astounding acting work and obtain the pipe, and then watch his buddy die but somehow accidentally put the magic gold chain that was on the leprechaun back on him, thus freezing him in place.
Step 3: Make sure Mac Daddy is dumb enough to not only take the pipe but also the leprechaun with him to display in a glass case at his house where everyone can see it.
Step 4: Form a rap group where you are trying to break through in Compton and make sure that you want to deliver “positive messages”, thus explaining the P in your moniker Postmaster P. Harp on being “positive” throughout the film despite the fact that only one rap song you do doesn’t involve guns or killing or degrading women and/or Jesus.
Step 5: Randomly bump into Mac Daddy in the neighborhood, give him a demo tape, go to his home, see his treasure and the leprechaun that is on display in a glass case. Get rejected because you want to stay positive.
Step 6: Definitely break into Mac Daddy’s house, knowing he has a tendency towards violence. When he comes home before you finish stealing from him, be sure to shoot him. Also make sure you break the glass case with the leprechaun in it and remove the gold chain. This will revive the leprechaun. I cannot stress to you how important this step is to your music career. You must free an evil leprechaun or no record deal for sure.
Step 7: Make sure your bullet only hit the leprechaun gold chain that Mac Daddy wears, thus saving his life. You will need him later.
Step 8: Go on the run, hiding in homes in your own neighborhood, so that you can make sure to show up for the local rap competition so that you can go to Las Vegas. Mac Daddy is definitely not going to figure out that you would show up at the local rap competition even though you gave him a demo tape of rap music.
Step 9: While on the run, be sure to do an impromptu rap show. When you do the rap show, blow on the little golden flute. And now, this is important and you must listen here. When you blow on the flute, do not move your fingers or cover the holes at all like any rational flute player would do. Just hold it to your mouth and look towards the camera as if you knew there would be dubbed flute music and no one will notice that even though the notes are changing you are not doing anything whatsoever to make actual flute music happen.
Step 10: Get a big crowd at this show because everyone was hypnotized with the flute.
Step 11: Let your host/hostess/drag queen get murdered by the leprechaun
Step 12: Run away from the leprechaun.
Step 13: Go to a church? (Checks notes) yes, go to a church. The preacher will ask you to perform a church song, knowing full well that you are a hip-hop act and not a gospel act. Start by singing a terrible song. Then play the pipe by holding it still again without any finger work and get everyone to love your terrible song.
Step 14: Run around town again for a bit, run into Mac Daddy and the leprechaun here or there. Let one of your buddies get killed by the leprechaun in an off screen sort of way. Prior to this the leprechaun will have killed random people you interacted with for no apparent reason and also pretty much off screen.
Step 15: After all this carnage, realize that you just gotta have this flute to make it big, your talent is not enough.
Step 16: Go to the rap competition, use the flute. But no finger work on the flute. Get noticed by a record label executive who want to send you to Las Vegas but doesn’t give you any information other than to show up at the airport. Trust that this guy is telling the truth. Let some girls in for an after party. Realize that the girls have become hypnotized by the leprechaun and run out the place.
Step 17: Realize the leprechaun is not going to give up and kind of has a tendency to not only speak in limericks but get kind of murder-y to people around you. Have your buddy read Leprechauns for Dummies.
Step 18: Your buddy will get the idea to give the leprechaun some weed with crushed up four leaf clovers in it. Definitely don’t see your friend find the clovers and just trust that he somehow got them. These clovers, if smoked by the leprechaun will temporarily take away his powers so you can, um I guess get on a flight to Las Vegas?
Step 19: Decide that the best way to deliver the lethal clovers is to cross dress to get close to the leprechaun. Then, give it to him, watch him pass out, see that Mac Daddy is still back and still wants that flute he stole, Let your buddy get killed. Shoot Mac Daddy several times. Be there long enough so that the leprechaun comes out of his weakened state. Let Mac Daddy get back up even though he has been shot full of more holes than Swiss cheese. Let Mac Daddy try to stop the leprechaun with that bullet stopping gold chain. When Mac Daddy dies the chain will somehow fly way up in the air, despite the fact it was held at a low angle to the ground when he was killed.
Step 20: Make sure that the chain didn’t land on the leprechaun because now you and he are rockin’ it hip-hop fashion in Vegas together. That’s right, you and the leprechaun are now homies. Sorry, it’s gotta be that way or you can’t have three women in gold dresses as your backup singers and dancers. Plus let the leprechaun come out with his own rhymes, claiming himself to the be “the true O.G”
There you have it. Instant fame, fortune and success in twenty steps. You’re welcome.
Next week is the week of Halloween so I will be reviewing everyone’s favorite (least favorite?) so bad it’s good, Halloween film Halloween III. You know the one that doesn’t have Luarie Strode or Michael Meyers. Great decision guys….