Hello out there internet people. I know a lot of you are going to be watching the Oscars tonight so I thought I would give you my take on all the Best Picture nominees. How did a guy stuck in a dungeon get to see these movies? Don’t ask. All I can tell you is that it took slaying a lot of swarms of rats for me to get there and then I still ended up back in my dungeon. I also hear you say, but Slick, I thought you only review bad movies. True! But you know what? There are a lot of bad Oscar movies and intend to inform people of that. There are some good ones on the list below but I’m calling out the stinkers.
War is hell. This should win all the awards. Yes all of them. Even that one.
Ford v Ferari
Vroom Vroom Vroomy Vroom Vroom, crash. This is a movie that completely celebrates corporate mediocrity. Although the life of Ken Miller is interesting, this movie sucks.
Sad clown licks a makeup brush, dances on stairs. Becomes a newspaper headline.
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Gorgeous, famous rich people act like poor famous people in revisionist history. Plus all the violence. All of it.
Rich people suck.
Martin Scorcese doesn’t like long, repetitive comic book movies because they never show any “character development.” He also likes to make the exact same long movies about gangsters over and over again, starring the same actors, playing characters like the ones they have played before over and over again.
The modern take on the classic novel. What’s the modern take? Mostly putting it in a different chronological order than the book. Also Timothee Chalamet’s hair blowing in the wind. A lot.
Nazis are fun and quirky. Hey, Taiki Waititi, I love you man, but in our current political time, can we maybe have a reminder of how freaking dangerous Nazis were? Thanks.
Kylo Ren and Black widow should have thought harder about whether or not to get married. They also should have thought harder about getting divorced. Long story short, Kylo Ren might not be marriage material.
Award winningly yours,