please hold still for decapitation

Well hello out there in the world. Slick Dungeon here, ready to tell you all about a movie I just watched. Is it an Oscar contender? Is it going to win any SAG awards? Is it full of stellar acting, brilliant plotting and the most heartwarming emotions you will ever see put on film? Should you watch it? No, no, no and heck yes you should see it! What is this film you speak of Slick? It’s Bloody Bloody Bible Camp.

If you don’t enjoy horror and have a low tolerance for gore, don’t watch this but if you have the stomach for it, this film is a lot of fun. Also, if you are particularly religious this might be offensive but I think that’s obvious from the title and cover. It’s a throwback to slasher films like Friday the 13th or Halloween but with more religion and less suspense. If you do want to watch this but don’t want spoilers, you have been forewarned to stop reading at this point. Grab a s’more sing a hymn, watch the film and come back.

Still with me? Okay good. Bloody good. Bloody Bloody good. Our film starts off with a group of teens who are clearly portrayed by adults, at Happy Day Bible Camp in 1977. Right off we know that there will be tons of death and unnecessary nudity and buckets of blood. I mean, what else do you expect from that title? In the first few moments one of the characters says that Star Wars sucks so I wanted him to die because, that’s definitely a sin to say. I was not disappointed.

Someone with an ax and a crucifix with a knife on the bottom goes through and decimates the campers one by one. Why exactly the people in the camp stand and scream as an ax comes at their heads is a little beyond me. I mean. run right? But anyway, that’s definitely harder to film special effects wise so I guess that’s the reason? Anyway there are a few gruesome deaths and we as the audience know for sure that more will come.

We flash forward to 1984 where a group of campers comes along to try the camp out and perhaps purchase it. We get the obligatory townsfolk warning the campers off only to be completely ignored. But we are the audience and we are smart so we know that the fact that one of them doesn’t even want to go into the store where these locals are means she probably knows something more.

We see an older adult refer to a bunch of definitely not teenagers as kids over and over. We get to see a grown man air high five himself and say “Tad!” for no apparent reason. We get to see grown women contemplate religion and analyze, let’s just say parts of their anatomy. We watch as some of the guys try to hook up with some of the girls and other guys get to be the picked on overweight kid. It’s pretty obvious most of them are gonna die so I put my money on the one questioning religion as a definite survivor, the picked on “kid” as a fifty percent chance and the leader of the bible camp as likely to be the one to off the serial killer.

After quite a few silly jokes and comments in the woods (a smartly cheap place to make a film btw) it gets to be night and one of the adult counselors goes to get some beer. Then it is on, the killing spree begins. Twice in the movie the killer decapitates someone and then repositions the body so that the head falls off for the next victim and the killer catches them by surprise. Classic. Of course both times it’s kind of on the victim because they stay where they are once they see the killer rather than, say, duck, move or fight back in literally any way.

We also get to see the blood spurt in the fun old eighties style where there is no CGI just someone pumping that corn syrup or whatever they use out. One by one the campers are decimated once again but this time we get flashbacks to a little kid being verbally abused by a nun. It’s pretty clear that this kid is the killer and is in need of major therapy. The killer goes on, swatting down campers and reciting bible verses over and over.

Back in town we find out that one of the locals had survived the last incident like this, albeit with severe brain trauma as a result. His brother finds out that this guy has left in hopes of getting himself some revenge. So he goes out to try and save the day. He said that with so much conviction, I actually shifted my money onto him as a survivor.

In the camp we find out that the guy running the bible camp, wanting to buy it knew all along what had happened here seven years ago. We also find out that, yes indeed, the woman who wouldn’t go into the store had been there seven years ago. To which I thought, why in the world would you go back there? Especially knowing the killer had not been caught. Also, it seems like the killer camps near by so, wow, there are some bad detectives around the area. I could say that about a lot of slasher films though.

For a moment it seemed that I was wrong about the leader of the bible camp being the one to bring down the killer, who we start to learn is a man who dresses up as a nun with a devil mask. Never really explained why the devil mask is worn but, sure why not? But then this movie pulled a move I didn’t expect. There’s a cameo in here where an actor known for, uh… other kinds of movies… shows up as Jesus. It’s not as good of a cameo as Bill Murray in Zombieland but it’s close. Jesus gives the bible camp director a weirdly offensive message of acceptance and boom, he’s back up after having been slashed.

I was starting to think I was a decent gambler because he was still alive, the guy who warned the bible camper was still alive and so was the camper who questioned religion and even the picked on kid was still kickin’. But then Sister Mary Chopper (very decent killer name) shows up and stabs the the guy who warned the campers away in the neck. Then she drops a cinder block on the picked on kid. Now I want to call out this particular head destruction. They drop a cinder block on the guys head. I had to watch this twice because the editing here was seamless. You can’t tell when they moved the actual actor out of the way at all. Best death in the movie in my opinion. But now, I am losing half my bet.

Everyone kind of stands around watching as the killer does the last two murders I just described. Who would not run??? We also find out that the killer is a guy we saw in the store early on in the film. He had been walking around as what you might call a goth, I guess but I was pretty sure that was the killer to begin with. But confirmed here. Then the leader of the camp has his big battle with the Sister. It’s kind of played a little too much for laughs towards the end and I think the movie might have benefited from making that more serious but that’s a minor nitpick. However, he saves the day and all is good.

But wait! Post credit scene! We see that Sister Mary Chopper sits up again. And that one of the girls we thought was dead is not. She just comes on to make a joke though so I don’t know if we count that as true survival.

I really actually enjoyed this movie, even if most people probably wouldn’t. You have to have a sense of humor and a high tolerance for gore. But here’s the biggest compliment I can pay this. While I was watching it, I thought that it had actually been made in the eighties or nineties and that I had somehow missed it. It’s exactly the kind of movie my friends and I would have rented for a slumber party when I was a kid. Turns out this thing was made in 2011. I am so glad there are people still out there making stuff like this. Kudos to Reggie Bannister, Vito Trabucco and literally everyone else involved in this film. You have made a movie so bad it’s good and I loved it.

Next week, I am going to slog through an Academy Award winning actress’ almost finest work as I force my eyeballs to stay open for Halle Berry’s Catwoman

Bloodily Yours,

Slick Dungeon

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