Everybody Happy?

Hey out there to all you clowns not trapped in a dungeon watching terrible films! It’s Slick Dungeon here and I’m back with another very odd film review.

I get a lot of people asking me for particular types of movies. What film has the most innovative camerawork of all time? I would say, Touch of Evil or Rope or maybe even Inception. What film has the best space battle sequence of all time? Anything Star Wars. What might be the greatest film of all time? Again Star Wars but in serious contention would be Citizen Kane and Casablanca.

But Slick, what film has a resurrected clown scooping out someone’s brains with an ice cream scoop while a whole house party is singing (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight?

Can’t tell you how often I get asked that but if I had a penny for every time I was asked it, I would have a number of pennies. At any rate, the answer is Stitches.

This film is out and out bonkers, no two ways about it. I guess I could see how it might be kind of scary if you really were truly afraid of clowns. The film has about the only real excuse I have seen for having coulrophobia.

The main character, Tommy, is having his seventh birthday party. It’s pretty obvious from a quick look around at these kids that they are a bunch of messed up jerks, possibly Tommy excluded.

Stitches is a clown and from the first scene where he is smoking and engaged in uh… adult activities with a woman, it’s pretty clear he’s not a very good clown.

Stitches arrives to Tommy’s party and starts into his routine. The kids give him hell for it and Stitches is only half giving it a go anyway. It’s clear no one wants to be there. Well, needless to say, Stitches ends up falling onto a knife sticking up in an open dishwasher, which goes straight through his eye. He is somehow able to stand up, knife in his head and all, he pulls the thing out in front of Tommy and blood gushes all over the kid. Then Stitches tries to stab Tommy but because some of Tommy’s jerk friends had tied Stitches shoelaces together, the clown slips. Once the clown lands the knife flails through the air and lands exactly where it started, in Stitches eye.

I can’t tell you how many parties I have been to where that exact thing happened. Okay, to be fair, I won’t tell you. Also, who in their freaking right mind would ever put a knife into a dishwasher BLADE UP?! This whole movie is about Stitches coming after these kids six years later, but I have to wonder why he didn’t want to off Tommy’s mom. What kind of stupid idea was that?

Okay sorry, back to the summary. Right after the clown is buried in a graveyard that is conveniently close to Tommy’s house. Tommy can’t resist checking in on ol’ Stitches and he finds an evil cult of clowns performing a ritual. The head evil clown tells Tommy that a clown can never rest if he doesn’t finish his act and that the jokes are never as funny the second time round.

Fact check: True.

Tommy also finds out that there is an egg painted like Stitches’ make up.

Fast forward six years and Tommy is on major meds, has plenty of hallucinations and by the way all those kids who were at the party are also screwed up in one way or another.

Tommy’s mom is away for his birthday and so he decides to have a few friends over for the first time since that last party. It turns into your typical teenage party. I’ve seen enough horror films to know that being a teenager and going to a party just means tons of people are going to end up dead. We all see this coming right?

Yeah so Stitches is magically resurrected and goes through killing most of the kids in ways that they might have deserved if they hadn’t been, you know, little kids, at the time of the first party. Tommy figures out what is going on, no one believes him, and more people die.

Eventually people do believe Tommy, especially the one girl who was nice to him at his first party, Kate. Kate and Tommy have to elude the clown, find the egg and destroy it and poof, there goes Stitches.

Lots of gore happens first, including intestines pulled, decapitations, the aforementioned ice cream scooping, and a head inflated like a balloon until it pops. You know, the usual stuff you see at most parties.

In the end, Tommy and Kate do find the egg, cause Stitches to fall on it, it cracks and yokes go everywhere, then Stitches dies again.

You know what bugged me most about this whole entire movie? Like the one thing where I was like, no freaking way? The egg, when Stitches falls on it breaks as if it was just taken out of the refrigerator. Even if Stitches had made this egg on the day of Tommy’s party that would be six years ago. Why wouldn’t they have hard boiled it?! That makes no sense at all! But anyway it kills Stitches and Tommy and at leas two of his friends are safe.

Or are they? We get to see that cult clown gluing Stitches egg shells back together, so I guess sequel is coming?

Forget Rotten Tomatoes, this one was a rotten egg. I’ll spare you all my egg puns.

Stitches was a very bad clown and a worse movie but if you want to see some weird clown related gore, this is your go to film.

The only way to top a killer clown is a killer leprechaun. Next week I will be back to review the fifth film in the Leprecchaun 5: In the Hood. The title alone tells me this will be some amazing film making.

Coulrophobically yours,

Slick Dungeon

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