Hey all you lovely homo sapiens out there. It’s time once again for your old friend Slick Dungeon to take you through a mystical, magical, maze of wonderment at just how bad cinema can be. So you want to watch an Oscar contender instead? Pffft. Booooring. It’s the really bad movies that are interesting. Well most of them. Sometimes. Not this one though…
Last week I reviewed Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Why? Because it came up in a segment on James Cordon’s show. James immediately mentioned that he also was in a terrible movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers. So first, a word to the wise. If you are looking for this movie, it might be titled just Vampire Killers. Apparently the use of the word Lesbian in the title isn’t cool with all platforms so they removed it. However. don’t confuse it with the actual film, The Fearless Vampire Killers from 1967 directed by Roman Polanski. It’s not the same movie at all.
For James Cordon’s movie I had a lot of trouble prior to watching this, just because I wondered about the title. Are they Lesbian vampire killers? That is lesbians who are vampire killers. Or are they Lesbian vampire killers? That is, lesbian vampires who kill. Or are they Lesbian vampire killers? That is, killers who kill lesbian vampires. The answer? Mostly yes. There are no lesbians who are vampire killers in this movie. But there are lesbian vampires and there are killers who kill the lesbian vampires. Got all that? Good cause I am not going through it again.
This film is set in merry old England around 2009. At the beginning though, we get one of those cool narration scenes where there is a British guy talking and telling us about the horrible, horrible monster that was defeated centuries ago. In a lot of movies this can be pretty cool. In this one, it was pretty dull. There was a vampire and she seduced some baron’s wife and then he finds this sword and he kills her with it. But the vampire (Carmilla by name) gives a curse on this guy’s bloodline. It was very rambly and I think mostly a reason to show women posing in ridculously silly vampire poses while topless.
Forward to today and we get to meet our heroes of the film. These are Jimmy, played by Mathew Horne and Fletch played by the one and only, singing and dancing late night British television comedian who now lives in Los Angeles, James Cordon.
Jimmy and Fletch are best buddies. Jimmy is heartbroken because his on again off again girlfriend Judy has made it clear that she is ready for off again. Jimmy and Fletch drink the night away and try to think of an adventure to keep Jimmy distracted. They don’t have a lot of money and don’t know where to go so the obvious drunken solution is to toss a dart at a map and then go hiking to that destination.
Jimmy hits on the little town of Craigswitch. Lucky for us, this is the exact same town where Carmilla stalked her prey centuries before. So we know that one of these guys, probably Jimmy, because Fletch seems like the sidekick type, is the last of that baron guy’s bloodline and you know it’s gonna hit the fan when they get there.
They hike for about two whole minutes, Fletch carrying nothing but beer and condoms, and make it to their destination. This is a little creepy town that looks like it is stuck in the middle ages. Nevertheless, the people at the pub are very friendly to ol’ Jimmy and Fletch cause, well, we all know that there must be lesbian vampires around who want to suck some blood. And we all know that Jimmy and Fletch are probably just an appeasement to the vampires. (Checks notes: yep, that’s what they were) But of course these guys are our guys so we don’t want them to die.
Here’s what happens that night. First, a van full of vaguely Swedish hippies get stranded when their van breaks down. Guess what inn these women end up needing to go to? Yup, the same one that Fletch and Jimmy are staying at. Fletch is super interested in all the women and Jimmy is getting over heartbreak by finding some common ground with Lotte. She’s there because she knows all about the legend of Carmilla and wants to check this stuff out for herself.
So like any good horror film, there’s a party with beer and women and then one by one, the women leave, get picked off by lesbian vampires, turn into lesbian vampires and then come back to kill their friends. Okay, maybe not like any good horror film, just most of them.
Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte and the rest of the women who are not yet vampires agree this situation is not great. They do kill a couple of the vampires who after death seem to just ooze some kind of goo. Not blood, and it really looked like the film makers decided they just were gonna save on the cost of coloring the goo and use the rest of the money to, I dunno, pay more women to be topless in this movie?
Needless to say, all the non-essential characters get turned, leaving Jimmy, Fletch, Lotte and this Vicar who is from the town to strike down these vampires. And the only way to stop it for good? Mix Jimmy’s blood (because he is the last of that baron guy’s line) with Lotte’s blood (because she is a virgin) and this will bring Carmilla back, at which point, they can use a sword that is buried with the baron to kill Carmilla. You might ask, why that would work, as Fletch himself asks. The vicar’s answer? It just does. Fair enough.
They go through the night, fight the vampires, get the sword, Jimmy gets Lotte, Fletch gets to complain, the vicar gets dead, and at the end they decide to take the show on the road and permanently become, Lesbian Vampire Killers. Yay!
Yeah okay, so there are two jokes in this film that almost make it worth watching. First, at one point, Lotte tells Jimmy that the vampires who are outside the inn can’t get them because they have to be invited. To which Jimmy says, “It’s not like I am gonna say, come on in Lesbian vampires”. At which point, of course the vampires enter. Second, there is a point where the Vicar tells Fletch to stick with him because he knows a lot about vampire lore. Like that they need to be staked through the heart etc. And then Fletch is like, “Literally everybody knows that. It’s common knowledge, in books, film, television.” That made me laugh.
This is supposed to be a horror comedy. Does it succeed as a horror? Horribly bad maybe. Comedy? Not very funny. Most of James Cordon’s lines I can’t even repeat because they are just all about sex. And not like in an actually funny way.
At least James can acknowledge that this film is bad. And honestly, between the Bill Maher disaster of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and Lesbian Vampire Killers, I gotta go with the lesbian vampire killers. Dimension films, which made this thing has a long history of making some pretty bad decisions and this is right up there.
I do think James Cordon is right, over Bill Maher’s comments on fat shaming and I do think James’ bad movie is better than Bill’s movie. But they are both profoundly bad films. So if you are trying to decide who has better judgement here, the answer is, none of them. Not the people who gave the green light to these movies, not the people who were in them and definitely not the people who directed these abominations. And absolutely not the people who currently have late night talk shows.
Speaking of abominations, next week we begin my favorite fall pastime. Nope, not drinking pumpkin spice latte. Nope, not watching football on television. Nope, not raking leaves. Yep, I am talking about watching really, really bad horror films.
For all of next month, everything, and I mean everything, no exceptions, on Slick Dungeon’s blog is going to be horror or Halloween theme related (book reviews excepted).
Next Monday I am kicking off the month of horror with the how did anyone miss this 1986 film, Chopping Mall. Let the blood spilling begin!